Venting Stupid decision-Waiting to see what comes of it

[willitpass]

I've engaged in severe self-harm for years and years now. Above 4 years ago I got an idea in my head to cut myself and rub something fowl like feces into it to induce an infection and hope it turns septic and kills me. I've put off the idea for years, but today I just want to die. Unfortunately, the trauma caused by surviving my 3 major attempts in the past has me unable to overcome the SI required to actively CTB, so I've resorted to passive suicide methods like daily overdoses of OTC meds, chronic starvation, chronic dehydration, etc. Today the urge became too much. I cut myself on the part of the skin believed to harbor the highest amount of bacteria, rubbed an unspeakably disgusting substance into it, and taped it shut so the bacteria can't escape. Now only time will tell if it turns septic. If I see signs that I am going septic, I will not tell anyone. I will stay home and let myself fall into shock until I die. If it doesn't turn septic, then well I've just engaged in the most disgusting thing I've ever done in my life and I'll have to carry on.

Before anyone starts to lecture me, I work in healthcare. I am well aware of the process of developing an infection, the stages of sepsis, the symptoms, etc. I've been septic before due to a medical condition. I've cared for many patients with sepsis before and am aware of the implications of going into shock and surviving with permanent damage. I know this is an awful idea. And I also no longer care. I am tired of living but am unable to pull the trigger for an immediate and more guaranteed suicide despite having the means to do so thanks to the PTSD. If this goes wrong, I am aware of the risks, I am aware of how stupid this is, and I simply do not care anymore.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I am aware of how stupid this is

No argument here. Don't know what your health condition is, but, usually, for someone relatively healthy, your immune system will successfully defend against such invaders.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

No argument here. Don't know what your health condition is, but, usually, for someone relatively healthy, your immune system will successfully defend against such invaders.

Dude, did you read the whole post? They literally mentioned the fact that they work in healthcare so they know what the fuck they are talking about.

 

[appleguy420]

that's fucking metal. Good luck in getting whatever outcome you desire <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

I am curious really. Do you ever regret doing these things to yourself? I'd say I hope that you don't suffer but it seems as if you want to suffer?

I guess I wish you didn't feel this way towards yourself. Working in healthcare, I imagine you do just that- care a lot about others. Do you wish you felt differently towards yourself or, do you feel comfortable?

I probably do have some self destructive behaviours that I feel more comfortable with rather than trying to fight them- mostly being a recluse and living in squalor. It's not as severe as physically hurting myself most of the time.

Sorry if I'm being too intrusive. You can ignore it of course. I'm just curious I guess- whether you constantly feel like this and want to feel like this, or whether sometines you end up regretting certain actions? I don't really know what to say or hope for you. Whatever you hope for yourself I guess. I'm sorry you're suffering so much though.

 

[willitpass]

I am curious really. Do you ever regret doing these things to yourself? I'd say I hope that you don't suffer but it seems as if you want to suffer?

I guess I wish you didn't feel this way towards yourself. Working in healthcare, I imagine you do just that- care a lot about others. Do you wish you felt differently towards yourself or, do you feel comfortable?

I probably do have some self destructive behaviours that I feel more comfortable with rather than trying to fight them- mostly being a recluse and living in squalor. It's not as severe as physically hurting myself most of the time.

Sorry if I'm being too intrusive. You can ignore it of course. I'm just curious I guess- whether you constantly feel like this and want to feel like this, or whether sometines you end up regretting certain actions? I don't really know what to say or hope for you. Whatever you hope for yourself I guess. I'm sorry you're suffering so much though.

I don't enjoy it, but I feel I deserve it. I have no sense of self worth and believe I deserve to be in pain. I see being comfortable and well as taking too good of care of myself and something that must be sabotaged. I get deeply uncomfortable at the thought of caring for myself. Which is the exact opposite of how I see other people. Working in healthcare, caring for other people is my passion. I just can't seem to ever do it for myself for very long.

 

[willitpass]

Went ahead and reopened the cut and added more disgusting shit to it and covered it back up. I wish I hadn't been so traumatized with my past attempts so I could just pull the fucking trigger. But I've tried so many times and I can't. So painfully slow it will have to be.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't enjoy it, but I feel I deserve it. I have no sense of self worth and believe I deserve to be in pain. I see being comfortable and well as taking too good of care of myself and something that must be sabotaged. I get deeply uncomfortable at the thought of caring for myself. Which is the exact opposite of how I see other people. Working in healthcare, caring for other people is my passion. I just can't seem to ever do it for myself for very long.

It really breaks my heart that you feel this way towards yourself. Really that anyone feels like they deserve to suffer. I'm sure you or they don't. I imagine it's some sort of past trauma that's been internalised although, I'm no expert. It just makes me angry to wonder what someone has been through to feel like this. I wish you didn't have this.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Dude, did you read the whole post? They literally mentioned the fact that they work in healthcare so they know what the fuck they are talking about.

Just bc someone works in a field doesn't mean they know everything about everything. Nor did they say in what "capacity" they work in "healthcare" - DUDE!

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Just bc someone works in a field doesn't mean they know everything about everything. Nor did they say in what "capacity" they work in "healthcare" - DUDE!

Well I mean, she would know more about this stuff than you.

 

[willitpass]

Just bc someone works in a field doesn't mean they know everything about everything. Nor did they say in what "capacity" they work in "healthcare" - DUDE!

Well I mean, she would know more about this stuff than you.

I keep my position in healthcare vague for privacy reasons, but I can assure I know plenty about what I am doing. The odds of it ever working, the consequences of failure, signs and symptoms that it is working, treatments at various stages if it somehow came down to it, etc. I work bedside. I am very knowledgeable about this, and I simply have given up and don't care about anything anymore. Regardless of all of that, I don't think arguing with each other is necessary. I do not feel the need for anyone to defend me on anything about this. I did not think the original remark was offensive, and I would rather not have my threads turn into a reason for people to bite back and forth.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I hope it is not too painful. I have seen cases of Munchausens (by proxy and not) make this move. Sepsis isn't quick though, if I recall right. :/

 

[willitpass]

I hope it is not too painful. I have seen cases of Munchausens (by proxy and not) make this move. Sepsis isn't quick though, if I recall right. :/

I have heard about Munchausens patients doing this. I do worry if I somehow end up in the hospital that is what they will think it is. I'm not sure which is worse: them thinking it's Munchausens or them knowing it was actually a suicide attempt and shipping me off to a psych ward again. I have had sepsis before. Not quite to the point of shock, but plain old sepsis is not pleasant. If it's what it takes to make a means to an end then at this point so be it. If it becomes unbearable I do have true methods up my sleeve to make a quick exit that SI has been preventing me from being able to use.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

May I ask what the methods are? I have my own battle with SI. I brought up Munch bc I'm a childhood survivor by proxy, the abuser never went that far. I think if you're aware enough in hospital to be able to say, this is not Munch, this was an attempt via sepsis, they would just pass you onto a psych evaluation which will further determine you don't have it UNLESS you have past behavior like this, it could get dicey. I understand the choice in the heat of the moment but I just feel like even with the most basic methods, it doesn't take near as long or have the potential to leave you alive and perma fucked. But I hear you on SI too. Here if you wanna chat.

 

[willitpass]

May I ask what the methods are? I have my own battle with SI. I brought up Munch bc I'm a childhood survivor by proxy, the abuser never went that far. I think if you're aware enough in hospital to be able to say, this is not Munch, this was an attempt via sepsis, they would just pass you onto a psych evaluation which will further determine you don't have it UNLESS you have past behavior like this, it could get dicey. I understand the choice in the heat of the moment but I just feel like even with the most basic methods, it doesn't take near as long or have the potential to leave you alive and perma fucked. But I hear you on SI too. Here if you wanna chat.

I have an extensive psych history including self harm and multiple suicide attempts. I think if I said it was a suicide attempt they would believe me. But I would rather do anything in the world than EVER end up back in the psych ward. Those places have traumatized me more than my previous attempts themselves and it's the fear of failure and ending up back in the psych ward that has me unable to overcome SI. I have prescription medications with high success rates of suicide with them as well as a rope for partial. I've tried to do it but have been unable to overcome SI.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Well I mean, she would know more about this stuff than you.

Not saying I do, or don't, but how could you possibly know wtf I do, or what I know?¿

I keep my position in healthcare vague for privacy reasons, but I can assure I know plenty about what I am doing. The odds of it ever working, the consequences of failure, signs and symptoms that it is working, treatments at various stages if it somehow came down to it, etc. I work bedside. I am very knowledgeable about this, and I simply have given up and don't care about anything anymore. Regardless of all of that, I don't think arguing with each other is necessary. I do not feel the need for anyone to defend me on anything about this. I did not think the original remark was offensive, and I would rather not have my threads turn into a reason for people to bite back and forth.

You can place as much feces as you want on your open wound, but if you have a healthy immune system, you have extremely low odds of developing sepsis from it. And you know that. If it were that easy to get sepsis, we'd all develop it all the time. Frankly, you're fooling yourself with this so-called "method". And I won't say anymore about it, so don't worry about that, just in order to keep the peace. So, do as you will. It's pretty damn bad when people don't even want to hear truth, anymore.

 

[willitpass]

Not saying I do, or don't, but how could you possibly know wtf I do, or what I know?¿

You can place as much feces as you want on your open wound, but if you have a healthy immune system, you have extremely low odds of developing sepsis from it. And you know that. If it were that easy to get sepsis, we'd all develop it all the time. Frankly, you're fooling yourself with this so-called "method". And I won't say anymore about it, so don't worry about that, just in order to keep the peace. So, do as you will. It's pretty damn bad when people don't even want to hear truth, anymore.

I don't have a healthy immune system or I wouldn't have had sepsis before. I have a lot of chronic health problems. I am not a healthy person. And if it doesn't work it doesn't work. I already stated that in the original post. I am not stupid. I have stated multiple times that I have full knowledge of the odds of this working as well as the risks if it doesn't. I also stated that this was originally a self harm method as I have a very long standing history of severe self harm, so I still get a fucked up psychological urge to do it even if I know the odds of it working for suicide are low. I am not going to continue arguing with you about "the truth I don't want to hear" when I have already stated everything against your argument that I supposedly don't want to hear it. Have a good day.

 

[willitpass]

This evenings bandage change uncovered a putrid fishy smell, dusky red surrounding the cut, inflammation, and questionable pockets of potential puss. So it seems I've already earned myself some sort of localized infection. I rinsed and repeated all of the steps again, so only time will tell what it looks like in the mornings.