Venting Stuck

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Hey everyone.
So I was planning to CTB on Friday 13th December. I have everything prepared. But I just feel stuck and I don't know what to do. Everyone says if you are hesitant then wait until you feel sure. I am sure I want to die. Just I don't know if Christmas is a good idea or wait. But if I wait, i'm just prolonging the inevitable. I have no reasons left, my best friend died by suicide and he was always there for me when ever I felt low, he was a father figure to me and a huge rolemodel. I nearly got expelled fron my Autism college and one more mistake and i'm out, My mental health is the worst it's been (I have complex mental health including, PTSD, psychotic depression, anxiety, alcohol dependancy) and Autism and other comorbid conditions. I'm losing my Autism support, I have no friends in person as Autism makes it real difficult, i'm struggling with my trauma from past abuse but no one belives me. If I don't CTB now, and do it in a few months time, then it's just extra weeks of pain. There is just so much pain and no one notices. I can't talk to my therapist about my thoughts as she would just call an ambulence and get me hospitalised. I don't know why I feel bad for my parents, I don't care about them due to past experainces but I don't want to ruin their christmas. My thoughts are just so intense. My therapist knows something is wrong as i'm a terrible liar so I have agreed to have an appointment early Friday afternoon. Just fed up of waking up day in, day out. Just wish I could die in an accident so then it would get it over with. Gah just not sure what to do. Wait till Christmas and birthdays are over and be miserable or CTB on Friday/weekend and be happy but ruin everyone else's christmas's. I don't even know how to deal with grief, I haven't dealt with the death of my friend.
Sorry for such a long rant.
Just feel stuck.

 

[WallsClosingInn]

i understand you perfectly i have tendency to overthink even the simpliest thing,what to say about deciding when to cbt.its not easy,but you have my support what ever you decide or if you just wanna vent out:)

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

i understand you perfectly i have tendency to overthink even the simpliest thing,what to say about deciding when to cbt.its not easy,but you have my support what ever you decide or if you just wanna vent out:)

Thanks I appreciate the response

 

[LittleJem]

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. No answers, but just wanted you to know I read your post

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. No answers, but just wanted you to know I read your post

Thanks :)

 

[EmptyArms]

Maybe talk to your therapist about all the things that are bothering you and how hopeless and stuck you are feeling, and dont mention your suicidal thoughts. That way you can discuss feeling so stuck without her needing to activate drastic measures.
I understand that you are missing your friend, that must be very hard for you. I think you can make a new friend in time, but it can be hard to imagine that will happen when you are in the middle of a crisis. The best advice I was given was the simplest, just wait. Sometimes when you wait things can change. How did you meet your friend?

 

[RealLostSoul]

I can relate to your post. I am a lot like you. No college anymore. No social life. Many mental diseases. Stuck without someone to hold onto.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Maybe talk to your therapist about all the things that are bothering you and how hopeless and stuck you are feeling, and dont mention your suicidal thoughts. That way you can discuss feeling so stuck without her needing to activate drastic measures.
I understand that you are missing your friend, that must be very hard for you. I think you can make a new friend in time, but it can be hard to imagine that will happen when you are in the middle of a crisis. The best advice I was given was the simplest, just wait. Sometimes when you wait things can change. How did you meet your friend?

I met my friend through college but he had good autism knowledge. Thanks for your advice. Life has just gone to shit.

I can relate to your post. I am a lot like you. No college anymore. No social life. Many mental diseases. Stuck without someone to hold onto.

It's rather tiring!