Venting Stuck in limbo

[newlifeimmigration]

I can't do anything anymore. Everything I loved or enjoyed is just a ptsd trigger for me now. I don't feel any pleasure from being alive. I hate being alive. I can only stand being alive when I can make myself forget that I'm alive. I'm broken and I'm not going to be able to recover. I've tried to recover. Every time I seek help something comically bad happens to punish me. Or worse I beg for help any nobody even cares. Everybody is going to keep violating me until I die and there will never be any consequences for hurting someone as worthless as me. People can tell by looking at me that I'm easy to take advantage of. I think about ctb every moment of my life. I really don't think I'm supposed to be here in this world and yet I still haven't left yet.

I wish everything would get so bad so I could just do it but it's all so banal and drawn out. I'm scared I'm never going to ctb and I'm going to spend my life completely miserable and stupid. I have SN + meto + propranolol+ weed so really I could attempt at any moment. Part of me wants to try to get benzos before I attempt but am I just making excuses to wait longer? I want to be dead but I'm afraid of the process of dying and I have horrible indecision. I know nobody can tell me how to get over my own SI but I just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere because there's nobody I can talk to about this. It feels so horrible to be marked for death and still be too much of a coward to die

 

[yowai]

You can always do it if you already have your method, no need to rush. I'm so sorry about your ptsd, I went through that too and it made me start abusing drugs like a fiend just to not get the flashbacks or feel like myself. It felt like being an animal that got cornered and has to act aggressive to protect itself, but all the time even when there's no real danger