Stuck between recovery and relapse

[BaconCheeseburger]

I *should* be happy now that I've got a stable job, moved in with my boyfriend and away from my pushy family...

...but I'm anxious and freaking out over the smallest things. Putting the bins out. Making sure the kitchen is clean. Have we done X, Y, Z?

I haven't lived away from home since university and I'm struggling to adapt to this sudden change where I feel I need control. It's having a huge impact on my mood and the dark feelings are creeping back.

Part of me just wants to off myself despite the fact that I'm doing so well externally. I don't feel like I'm good at my job even though I get regular praise and the managers think I'm great. Because I don't have 100% control over my work I'm freaking out. I really am a control freak and the fact that I can't manage every single task is bothering me.

I feel low and pent up on anxious energy and I hate it. I know my mind is pre wired to feel down and I wonder if it's just worth putting myself out of another 50 years of misery.

 

[heartless_95]

How long have you been in this position? It sounds like you aren't used to this level of stability and positive progress and it's freaking you out a little is all. Seems like you want to do anything possible to keep out whatever instability brought you here in the first place.

Which isn't a bad thing... At all! You're doing really well for yourself it sounds like. Are you feeling happy when you're not stressed over your own perceived performance? Do you like your job and your home situation? If so, and you're still feeling this way, might be a good time to see someone love ❤

 

[puppy9]

Any update on the therapist forum discussion you've posted in the past, if you don't mind sharing.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

Any update on the therapist forum discussion you've posted in the past, if you don't mind sharing.

She's turned out to not be the right fit for me - I've had 4 sessions and every week I feel like I'm just repeating the same problems and she's not contributing anything helpful or advisory. Nothing came out of me telling her that I use sites like this. Currently looking for another counsellor :(

 

[puppy9]

She's turned out to not be the right fit for me - I've had 4 sessions and every week I feel like I'm just repeating the same problems and she's not contributing anything helpful or advisory. Nothing came out of me telling her that I use sites like this. Currently looking for another counsellor :(

Yeah I've tried many of em, it's all futile for me.They just meander around the same thing; no solutions. I'm sorry you need to go through that. I hope you'll find the right one, one day.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I *should* be happy now that I've got a stable job, moved in with my boyfriend and away from my pushy family...

...but I'm anxious and freaking out over the smallest things. Putting the bins out. Making sure the kitchen is clean. Have we done X, Y, Z?

I haven't lived away from home since university and I'm struggling to adapt to this sudden change where I feel I need control. It's having a huge impact on my mood and the dark feelings are creeping back.

Part of me just wants to off myself despite the fact that I'm doing so well externally. I don't feel like I'm good at my job even though I get regular praise and the managers think I'm great. Because I don't have 100% control over my work I'm freaking out. I really am a control freak and the fact that I can't manage every single task is bothering me.

I feel low and pent up on anxious energy and I hate it. I know my mind is pre wired to feel down and I wonder if it's just worth putting myself out of another 50 years of misery.

Have you ever been diagnosed with OCD? I have that and when I was 15-17 I went through a really awful period. No one took my problem seriously at first until they really saw it start to change my life. I wanted to die. But I got a great therapist who gave me so many tools to deal with the anxiety and obsessive thinking. And I conquered that particular problem. Don't get me wrong I still have OCD which is made worse by the stress and anxiety due to my physical illness. But I was just wondering if you thought maybe OCD could be your problem?