Venting Struggling with leaving people behind

[ScaredOfMachines]

My dad is the only person I have left, and I've been thinking over the past few days about how my death will affect him. I don't want to hurt him, but it seems inevitable if I make this choice. I'm his only child, and he never really recovered after my mom left. I know he has close friends and a family that cares about him, so he won't truly be alone if I leave him. But I know it would damage him a lot more, and I'm not sure if it's something he could recover from. I know that he's better off without me even if he doesn't realize it, and that he really only cares about me because I'm his flesh and blood. But it still stings to think about.
A spiteful part of me wants to say that it's equivalent exchange, that since he made my life worse by refusing me to let me transition and generally just being transphobic, among somewhat neglecting me during childhood. But I'm horrified about that thought as well. Everyone says that to truly make it somewhere, you have to be selfish occasionally. I wonder if it applies to this as well.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry OP. I'm in a similar position to you. It's only my Dad I'm holding on for too. I also have some unpleasant, resentful thoughts towards him, which feel bad but also, justified at times. For me, it's more that I feel like he knowingly exposed me to a narcissist and continued to put his needs above mine. Maybe that's fair enough but, I hope I'd be more the mummy bear type if I had kids.

Do you think you can hang on? I always felt so determined that I would. I probably still will. I'm just struggling a lot at the moment. Do you live with him still may I ask? My parents live hundreds of miles away. But, I still think it would devastate him if I did it. I hate feeling so trapped.

 

[avalokitesvara]

This is really hard. Whatever your parents have or haven't done, they're still your parents, and for a parent to lose a child is an existential-level devastation. I change my mind about this concerning my own situation all the time, but I think overall staying alive just to save someone's feelings is a very hard road. In an ideal world I would like to think that if the people who care about me knew about my suffering, they would rather I was at peace than continued suffering for their sake. I know other people feel differently. For some death is the worst thing they feel life is worth almost any suffering. Good luck to you in your situation.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

I'm so sorry OP. I'm in a similar position to you. It's only my Dad I'm holding on for too. I also have some unpleasant, resentful thoughts towards him, which feel bad but also, justified at times. For me, it's more that I feel like he knowingly exposed me to a narcissist and continued to put his needs above mine. Maybe that's fair enough but, I hope I'd be more the mummy bear type if I had kids.

Do you think you can hang on? I always felt so determined that I would. I probably still will. I'm just struggling a lot at the moment. Do you live with him still may I ask? My parents live hundreds of miles away. But, I still think it would devastate him if I did it. I hate feeling so trapped.

I still live with him. I'm hoping to be able to get into a hotel so he at least doesn't discover my body, but it would still devastate him a lot if I did that. I think I'll go through with it anyway, but I feel a bit trapped as well.