too many things to consider, but also not. it feels straightforward and obvious, but not at the same time.
18th has to be the day. some part of me wants to wait till i graduate (in may) so i haven't left without a single accomplishment, but that makes it so that i have to go through all the things i'm avoiding. i'll have to apply for jobs and have one ready bcs i can't say oh i'm gonna kms after i graduate so i don't need a job ready. it's also gonna be such a random time and that just feels so stupid. part of me wants it to be on my 23rd birthday (in april) so i can end things on the same day i was born, but again that leaves w with the whole job thing. i also feel like i should wait until i graduate so i have a couple months between now and then where i can act like everything is okay, so my mom feels "better" about me not having gone while i was going through a hard time. that's just not something i can give her unfortunately. it's so funny that i'm taking her into consideration so much. it doesn't help me in any way. i have more online friends than actual physical friends to have notes written for. i have all my notes ready. they've been ready for years, i just had to edit some shit out from certain ones bcs the love i had for some people isn't even there anymore
they've become my reasons for ending it so oops? i'm just trying to make up my mind. i need to go check out the spot to check where exactly i'll land. and then decide which building in the apartment i want to do it.
one thing i'm scared of is if i survive, i'll have survived without finishing uni. if i'm a vegetable, that's different ofc. but i mean surviving in a way that allows me to actual live a semi normal life. even if i'm paralysed or anything of the sort. also trying to figure out some weird specifics - do i leave my phone at the bottom, incase i end up just really hurt and need to get help? could i end up really hurt and alive, and somehow still die if i don't get help in time? either way, i think i'd wanna have my phone at the end of it all, but of. i'm not gonna jump with it on me. i have 2 whole days left, i need to decide. gonna make a proper pros and cons list now cuz i keep forgetting them. and i'll go from there i guess. i'm also scared i'm forgetting something, but theres just no way. i have nothing coming up, nothing that would make it solid for me to not do this.
18th has to be the day. some part of me wants to wait till i graduate (in may) so i haven't left without a single accomplishment, but that makes it so that i have to go through all the things i'm avoiding. i'll have to apply for jobs and have one ready bcs i can't say oh i'm gonna kms after i graduate so i don't need a job ready. it's also gonna be such a random time and that just feels so stupid. part of me wants it to be on my 23rd birthday (in april) so i can end things on the same day i was born, but again that leaves w with the whole job thing. i also feel like i should wait until i graduate so i have a couple months between now and then where i can act like everything is okay, so my mom feels "better" about me not having gone while i was going through a hard time. that's just not something i can give her unfortunately. it's so funny that i'm taking her into consideration so much. it doesn't help me in any way. i have more online friends than actual physical friends to have notes written for. i have all my notes ready. they've been ready for years, i just had to edit some shit out from certain ones bcs the love i had for some people isn't even there anymore
they've become my reasons for ending it so oops? i'm just trying to make up my mind. i need to go check out the spot to check where exactly i'll land. and then decide which building in the apartment i want to do it. one thing i'm scared of is if i survive, i'll have survived without finishing uni. if i'm a vegetable, that's different ofc. but i mean surviving in a way that allows me to actual live a semi normal life. even if i'm paralysed or anything of the sort. also trying to figure out some weird specifics - do i leave my phone at the bottom, incase i end up just really hurt and need to get help? could i end up really hurt and alive, and somehow still die if i don't get help in time? either way, i think i'd wanna have my phone at the end of it all, but of. i'm not gonna jump with it on me. i have 2 whole days left, i need to decide. gonna make a proper pros and cons list now cuz i keep forgetting them. and i'll go from there i guess. i'm also scared i'm forgetting something, but theres just no way. i have nothing coming up, nothing that would make it solid for me to not do this.
