Help Struggles With Self Love

[R-7]

So as somebody who has had troubles with depression for like half my life and for a myriad of reasons that's likely empowered by having an incredible amount of self doubt.

Because of that I obviously looked up what to really do about depression and more often than not I see things encouraging to 'show the same kindness to yourself as you would to a close friend who is struggling' or something along those lines. However, being so deep into depression it is difficult to love yourself so as strange as it sounds I don't really feel like I know how?

I was wondering if anyone here might have some advice about this. Thanks for any help or suggestions insights you might have.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I struggle with self love but only because I can't find a partner and have never experienced love. The logical conclusion I take from that is if no one else sees me worthy of love then I'm either a failure or undeserving/unable to be loved, thus I should hate myself.

I don't really have any advice, but I guess I do understand a bit. I am a relatively "easy" fix of course, " all" I have to do is find a partner.

 

[Ruru-san]

I'm not too sure about it myself as i do have those days often but i find what makes it better is to literally do things with yourself, by yourself. Sometimes i take my self impulsively to the cinema and watch a movie by myself, i go get food by myself and i sometimes go on walks and trips by myself. Sometimes it works , sometimes it doesn't but i hope it may work for you!

 

[MapleS]

For me self love is being forgiving to myself. This is how it starts. Or making things that I know can make me feel better.
But it really helps if you are forgiving to yourself

 

[Hibiki]

I struggle with self love but only because I can't find a partner and have never experienced love. The logical conclusion I take from that is if no one else sees me worthy of love then I'm either a failure or undeserving/unable to be loved, thus I should hate myself.

I don't really have any advice, but I guess I do understand a bit. I am a relatively "easy" fix of course, " all" I have to do is find a partner.

i apologize if i am overstepping or jumping to conclusions, but i wanted to let you know that finding a partner may not be the solution you think it is. i thought the same as you; i thought i'd found the one who could save me, but it turns out that if you are incapable of loving yourself, you are also incapable of loving others, and incapable of accepting the love that others give you.
i have horrible self-destructive tendencies and push people away when they are too nice to me, because i don't believe i can be seen in a positive light or treated with kindness. i have ruined several relationships this way. if you are anything like me, your brain will prevent you from finding the love you seek.

none of this is to say that you shouldn't want a romantic connection with someone; i believe love is a wonderful thing, and it is one of the things that help me make it through each day. i would just advise you not to rely completely on it when it comes to your happiness. you deserve to love yourself just as much as your partner would love you.

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to op, i am also figuring out how to improve my self-esteem, so i'd like to share my experiences.
i don't know how many others do this; i might seem crazy or weird for it, but for some years now i've separated myself from my negative thoughts, if that makes sense...? i've created a distinct character in my head to represent the "mean voice" that makes me feel bad about myself. she looks similar to me and acts somewhat like a parasite. i've done the same for a potential "nice voice" and imagine myself being comforted by this nice character sometimes. she may be more of a guardian angel type of character. when i find myself spiraling into self-hatred, this nice character resists my words and says kind things to me. i think it works because i don't necessarily have to believe her words; i'm just imagining what a kind person would say to me in that moment. but because i'm imagining it, i'm essentially saying these things to myself. this might be how i've interpreted the advice you were given, to treat yourself like a close friend.

i feel as though i've grown a bit attached to this character and find myself wanting to recover for her sake... but in a way, this character is me, or a part of me hidden somewhere. it makes me feel as though i can become her one day.

apologies for formatting issues. i wanted to post these separately as i was replying to two different people, but i guess the forum doesn't work that way.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

i apologize if i am overstepping or jumping to conclusions, but i wanted to let you know that finding a partner may not be the solution you think it is. i thought the same as you; i thought i'd found the one who could save me, but it turns out that if you are incapable of loving yourself, you are also incapable of loving others, and incapable of accepting the love that others give you.
i have horrible self-destructive tendencies and push people away when they are too nice to me, because i don't believe i can be seen in a positive light or treated with kindness. i have ruined several relationships this way. if you are anything like me, your brain will prevent you from finding the love you seek.

none of this is to say that you shouldn't want a romantic connection with someone; i believe love is a wonderful thing, and it is one of the things that help me make it through each day. i would just advise you not to rely completely on it when it comes to your happiness. you deserve to love yourself just as much as your partner would love you.

No, it's nothing like that. I'm just a bit broken due to rejection and feeling completely invisible to women. I mostly liked myself quite a lot really until I put full effort into finding a partner and realised no one wanted me.

Of course there's a very small chance you're right, but only because I've never been loved romantically so there's absolutely no data as to how I might function in a relationship.

 

[Hibiki]

No, it's nothing like that. I'm just a bit broken due to rejection and feeling completely invisible to women. I mostly liked myself quite a lot really until I put full effort into finding a partner and realised no one wanted me.

Of course there's a very small chance you're right, but only because I've never been loved romantically so there's absolutely no data as to how I might function in a relationship.

i understand now. i don't mean to offend you at all, but if your results with women managed to alter your self-perception so easily, had you been shaping yourself to appeal to them? i promise you that you don't need to do that. i also believe you should be able to find happiness and goodness within yourself regardless of how compatible you are with women. is it that you think your value comes from how successful you are at landing a woman and starting a family? i don't believe that is the case. or do you just need to know that someone other than you likes you for who you are? i am the same, but it isn't healthy nor reliable to leave it up to others to determine your worth.

i hope i'm not asking too many questions.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

i understand now. i don't mean to offend you at all, but if your results with women managed to alter your self-perception so easily, had you been shaping yourself to appeal to them? i promise you that you don't need to do that. i also believe you should be able to find happiness and goodness within yourself regardless of how compatible you are with women. is it that you think your value comes from how successful you are at landing a woman and starting a family? i don't believe that is the case. or do you just need to know that someone other than you likes you for who you are? i am the same, but it isn't healthy nor reliable to leave it up to others to determine your worth.

i hope i'm not asking too many questions.

I'm just very lonely I guess and I'd like to experience love at least once in my life. Like if a woman just said "yes" once then that would probably make me happy for a year or two, even if things didn't work out.

 

[vitbar]

For me I had to force it, fake it even, and cringe until I got more comfortable. Recognising when you are engaging in negative self talk is a good start. I kind of make a character out of it as if it's my depression talking "hello depression, I see you". I also try and challenge the horrible things I say to myself, even if just disparaging it by rolling my eyes or calling it a miserable bastard.

Imagine a friend being so critical of themselves. Think about how you would act or feel about it. Try and treat yourself how you'd treat your friend. Would you pile on more criticisms? Would you be kind?

One scenario that helped with this is imagining you could see a parent with their young child at a restaurant. The child is clearly upset and crying, the parent is insulting the child for being upset. Does being insulting to yourself when already sad make you any less unhappy? Instead I try and offer soothing words: "you will be okay" and similar.

Also in moments where you are at all pleased with yourself, or a nice moment, monopolise on it. Give yourself a pat on the back. Say "I like/love this", "yeahhh check me out getting things done". It will feel cringe, but in time that shifted for me.

 

[Hibiki]

I'm just very lonely I guess and I'd like to experience love at least once in my life. Like if a woman just said "yes" once then that would probably make me happy for a year or two, even if things didn't work out.

only for a year or two? what would happen after that; would you go back to hating yourself?

 

[Aloneandinpain]

only for a year or two? what would happen after that; would you go back to hating yourself?

Well the happiness would maybe fade, but I'd still be completely immune from ever getting this depressed and I'd be encouraged to try harder too. When all you hear is "no" then there's simply no point in trying.

 

[Hibiki]

Well the happiness would maybe fade, but I'd still be completely immune from ever getting this depressed and I'd be encouraged to try harder too. When all you hear is "no" then there's simply no point in trying.

understood. i appreciate you sharing how you feel; i think i can relate to some bits of it. i won't ask further about your experiences trying to find love, but i do encourage you to continue searching if that's where you'll find happiness, even temporarily, and also to consider learning to appreciate yourself even when it feels like no one else does. something like developing a new hobby or interest may be fulfilling for yourself and, as a bonus, attract others to you.

when all you hear is "no" maybe it's an incentive to show them what they missed out on...?

 

[R-7]

For me I had to force it, fake it even, and cringe until I got more comfortable. Recognising when you are engaging in negative self talk is a good start. I kind of make a character out of it as if it's my depression talking "hello depression, I see you". I also try and challenge the horrible things I say to myself, even if just disparaging it by rolling my eyes or calling it a miserable bastard.

Imagine a friend being so critical of themselves. Think about how you would act or feel about it. Try and treat yourself how you'd treat your friend. Would you pile on more criticisms? Would you be kind?

One scenario that helped with this is imagining you could see a parent with their young child at a restaurant. The child is clearly upset and crying, the parent is insulting the child for being upset. Does being insulting to yourself when already sad make you any less unhappy? Instead I try and offer soothing words: "you will be okay" and similar.

Also in moments where you are at all pleased with yourself, or a nice moment, monopolise on it. Give yourself a pat on the back. Say "I like/love this", "yeahhh check me out getting things done". It will feel cringe, but in time that shifted for me.

I will endeavor to take this advice to heart. Thank you :)