Discussion Strange/ silly question for females wanting to ctb...

[MeltingHeart]

Ok this is really dumb to even think about-but-bit of background first- since my breakdown (nearly one year ago) I have lost all pride in my appearance/fitness/health etc. I used to take a lot of care of all & was quite typically girlie- in the sense of using all different potions & lotions for face/ body, regular hair cuts etc. Now I look like crap, wash with cheap shit shower gel- even my face- don't bother to moisture etc.my hair is too long & knotty now. But for some reason I can't decide if I should get a leg wax before I ctb!! It's so stupid- like it really doesn't matter by then! But it must just be like an innate kind of thing. Anyone else care/ consider what they look like when they ctb? (Even knowing that honestly- it's ain't ever gonna be a pretty sight!)....it's weird I know

 

[exhausted]

Haha, I was thinking of shaving for the pathologist. Doesn't help that I know local pathologists and don't want to be seen naked by them (during post mortem)! I dunno, if you want to die on fleek, then do, lol

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I feel the same. I used to take great pride in my apperance and dress up, wear make up and fix my hair now I do absolutely nothing for my appearance. I just dont care anymore. Im kind of conflicted for when I ctb. On one hand I think i will be so filled with thoughts and prep that I wont even be thinking how I look but a big part of me wants to look nice one last time. Maybe ill put on something nice and do my make up. I know this sounds morbid as fuck but im hoping a picture will be taken of me and my ex will see it.. since what he did to me was the nail in the coffin for me.

 

[End Piece]

Oh shit, this is relatable. I'm not suicidal anymore, but when I was I wanted to lose weight so I could die a skinny legend lmao. I say go for the leg wax. Money will not matter in the afterlife, if that's where you're headed, and maybe it's nice to feel pretty. :)

 

[MeltingHeart]

Haha, I was thinking of shaving for the pathologist. Doesn't help that I know local pathologists and don't want to be seen naked by them! I dunno, if you want to die on fleek, then do, lol

What's on fleek? For some reason it does really plague my mind & freak me out that I will be seen naked. As if it matters! I wish I wouldn't over think things like this ffs!

 

[UninformedLover]

It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels the same way. I was thinking of really going all out makeup, hair and a very nice outfit. I know in the end how I look probably doesn't matter but i don't want the paramedics to judge me lolol.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I feel the same. I used to take great pride in my apperance and dress up, wear make up and fix my hair now I do absolutely nothing for my appearance. I just dont care anymore. Im kind of conflicted for when I ctb. On one hand I think i will be so filled with thoughts and prep that I wont even be thinking how I look but a big part of me wants to look nice one last time. Maybe ill put on something nice and do my make up. I know this sounds morbid as fuck but im hoping a picture will be taken of me and my ex will see it.. since what he did to me was the nail in the coffin for me.

Yeah I feel so gross how I've become. Used to love picking outfits for occasions and things- not I look like crap everyday, it's like I've lost my whole identity or something! - also a lot of which was caused by my Ex who would surreptitiously critisise me on so so many little things- it just chipped away at me over time- made me question everything about myself :(

 

[Final Escape]

Yea guess I want to be presentable when they find me. I will get adult diaper I think so my poop and pee isn't all over the place lol! But mostly I don't care that much I'm going to be dead. I mean I'll be clean but I may not be found right away so I might end up stinky and disgusting by the time anyone finds me anyway.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I feel the same. I used to take great pride in my apperance and dress up, wear make up and fix my hair now I do absolutely nothing for my appearance. I just dont care anymore. Im kind of conflicted for when I ctb. On one hand I think i will be so filled with thoughts and prep that I wont even be thinking how I look but a big part of me wants to look nice one last time. Maybe ill put on something nice and do my make up. I know this sounds morbid as fuck but im hoping a picture will be taken of me and my ex will see it.. since what he did to me was the nail in the coffin for me.

Marilyn Monroe still looked so good in her coffin- im sure I read that she had told her make up person that if she ever died- for them to do her make-up (for the funeral)-maybe it was just in case- or she kinda knew what she might do one day...

Yea guess I want to be presentable when they find me. I will get adult diaper I think so my poop and pee isn't all over the place lol! But mostly I don't care that much I'm going to be dead. I mean I'll be clean but I may not be found right away so I might end up stinky and disgusting by the time anyone finds me anyway.

Weird to think about isn't it. Kinda wish I hadn't but can't help it. I've always over thought things. Which does not help at all in this situation!

 

[exhausted]

What's on fleek? For some reason it does really plague my mind & freak me out that I will be seen naked. As if it matters! I wish I wouldn't over think things like this ffs!

Oh, "on fleek" is a phrase basically meaning beautiful and well-kempt or something. It's slang, it really doesn't suit me to use it but I thought I would chuck it in there in a jarring context for my own amusement. I am a bit odd sometimes!

 

[MeltingHeart]

Oh, "on fleek" is a phrase basically meaning beautiful and well-kempt or something. It's slang, it really doesn't suit me to use it but I thought I would chuck it in there in a jarring context for my own amusement. I am a bit odd sometimes!

I like it! I used to be a bit I guess- now I am the opposite of that- whatever that would be according to the kids/ urban dictionary. Butters maybe? (God I feel old)

 

[Moonicide]

Oh no, it isn't silly at all. I was actually thinking about putting makeup on and wearing my favorite clothes as I ctb.
But other than that, I've always struggled with taking care of myself as my mental health deteriorated.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Oh no, it isn't silly at all. I was actually thinking about putting makeup on and wearing my favorite clothes as I ctb.
But other than that, I've always struggled with taking care of myself as my mental health deteriorated.

It's sad isn't it as it so representative of declining mental health- especially for girls- like even if yr not super girlie- it's so intrinsically linked to either feeling good OR wanting to feel good, taking care of yourself & a little pride in you appearance. It's like an actual visual indication of someone whose mental health has gone way down hill- you can see it! :(

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yeah I feel so gross how I've become. Used to love picking outfits for occasions and things- not I look like crap everyday, it's like I've lost my whole identity or something! - also a lot of which was caused by my Ex who would surreptitiously critisise me on so so many little things- it just chipped away at me over time- made me question everything about myself :(

I feel exactly the same! I really feel like I have lost my identity too. I had an abusive ex who would critisize me too and I started to question averything about the way I looked. People tell me I am pretty but it means nothing to me now. Sometimes I look at myself and I dont even know who I am anymore...especially old pictures of me. I look at old pics of me and mourn the death of that woman because she died a long time ago.

 

[exhausted]

I like it! I used to be a bit I guess- now I am the opposite of that- whatever that would be according to the kids/ urban dictionary. Butters maybe? (God I feel old)

Yes! Butters is another one I try to crowbar into conversations when I can. I remember when that word was invented! And when "buff" meant fashionable. Weirdly nostalgic.

 

[MeltingHeart]

@Raven Moon ...So so the same! It feels almost unreal. It's astounding what words (I wasn't physically hurt by this person) & subtly manipulation/ control can do! It wasn't entirely his fault- as I was vunerable anyway- but then again he damn well knew that! Just out of interest did u have a bad relation to yr dad? I can't help but feel that why I graviated towards the wrong man- the exact opposite of what I needed! Just a huge mistake.

 

[noctiva]

I just loved all your posts in the thread because this is so relatable, that it hurts. I haven't epilated or shaved in 8 weeks, since he left. Why should I to be honest?
I was thinking, if I have the energy, I will do it 2 days before I ctb, just to.. you know, not embarrass myself or him in front of the pathologist. Here, 99.5% of suicides do get a full autopsy, so somehow, I think I won't be with the lucky ones in the 0.5% group.
I will also wear an adult diaper aaaaand I will document exactly what I take, how much and at what time on a damn postit note and shove it in my bra for the pathologist. Maybe there will be a useful case report that people from the forum can find and then develop my method further.

I have this week started to put lotion on my face again, and though I don't feel girly or beautiful and never have felt this way, at least it feels like a minimal amount of normalcy. I can highly recommend it! You deserve to feel beautiful, ladies, you are worthy of love and care, especially from yourselves.
We should do a time of the day where we all gather at home in front of the pc/ tablet/ phone and just apply goddamn lotion together to feel good about ourselves. F*ck it, I will do it right now. Now putting on my face: regeneration oil pomegranate. Let me know if you join in, I will cheer for all of you!
My heart goes out to all of you, love and hugs!

EDIT: I just realized this might be to motivational for SS, my apologies.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I just loved all your posts in the thread because this is so relatable, that it hurts. I haven't epilated or shaved in 8 weeks, since he left. Why should I to be honest?
I was thinking, if I have the energy, I will do it 2 days before I ctb, just to.. you know, not embarrass myself or him in front of the pathologist. Here, 99.5% of suicides do get a full autopsy, so somehow, I think I won't be with the 0.5% lucky ones.
I will also wear an adult diaper aaaaand I will document exactly what I take when and at what time on a damn postit note and shove it in my bra for the pathologist. Maybe there will be a useful case report that people from the forum can find and then develop my method further.

I have this week started to put lotion on my face again, and though I don't feel girly or beautiful and never have felt this way, at least it feels like a minimal amount of normalcy. I can highly recommend it! You deserve to feel beautiful, ladies, you yourselves are worth of love and care, especially from yourselves.
We should do a time of the day where we all gather at home in front of the pc/ tablet/ phone and just apply goddamn lotion together to feel good about ourselves. F*ck it, I will do it right now. Now putting on my face: regeneration oil pomegranate. Let me know if you join in, I will cheer for all of you!
My heart goes out to all of you, love and hugs!

EDIT: I just realized this might be to motivational for SS, my apologies.

pomegranate oil sounds nice-reminds me of the old me that loved products with natural/organic extracts.Oh this is making me miss my old self&hanging out with girlfriends (not been able to really see since breakdown) thankyou ladies

 

[noctiva]

pomegranate oil sounds nice-reminds me of the old me that loved products with natural/organic extracts.Oh this is making me miss my old self&hanging out with girlfriends (not been able to really see since breakdown) thankyou ladies

Oh, MeltingHeart, you're not alone, we're here with you! I love oils on my face, I was never big on water based lotions, which also has to do with living in a cold country and water based lotions combined with negative temperatures outside is a big no-no. I can recommend the pomegranate oil, it's very rich and makes the skin supple but oily looking, I've just put it now before I got to bed (at 5:30 am..).

 

[exhausted]

I have this week started to put lotion on my face again, and though I don't feel girly or beautiful and never have felt this way, at least it feels like a minimal amount of normalcy. I can highly recommend it! You deserve to feel beautiful, ladies, you yourselves are worthy of love and care, especially from yourselves.
We should do a time of the day where we all gather at home in front of the pc/ tablet/ phone and just apply goddamn lotion together to feel good about ourselves. F*ck it, I will do it right now. Now putting on my face: regeneration oil pomegranate. Let me know if you join in, I will cheer for all of you!
My heart goes out to all of you, love and hugs!

EDIT: I just realized this might be to motivational for SS, my apologies.

It's face mask time! I have an avocado and wheatgrass one I have denied using thrice this week because I felt too depressed to. I was like "My skin is nasty...give up", but now I will! Also...I think it's ok to be motivational :)

 

[wendydong1]

Earlier in the year, when I was "in love", I moisturized, scrubbed, face masked, bought a helmet for hair growth (since I have really sparse hair on my head), even booked appointment to get my small Asian eyes fixed.

Now, I sometimes don't shower for 2,3 days. My hair is long and I have been losing a lot of hair due to stress. I barely moisturize, and my pores are clogged often. But I don't care. I don't even look up when I am in the bathroom. Just stare down

 

[noctiva]

It's face mask time! I have an avocado and wheatgrass one I have denied using thrice this week because I felt too depressed to. I was like "My skin is nasty...give up", but now I will! Also...I think it's ok to be motivational :)

Oh, awesome, I haven't done a face mask in a long time, I will join you tomorrow @exhausted and put a face mask on after I've had some sleep. I have a sheet face mask with collagen I wanted for some time now.
I hope you're feeling great, avocado wheatgrass sounds amazing.

 

[exhausted]

Oh, awesome, I haven't done a face mask in a long time, I will join you tomorrow @exhausted and put a face mask on after I've had some sleep. I have a sheet face mask with collagen I wanted for some time now.
I hope you're feeling great, avocado wheatgrass sounds amazing.

It's from Poundland, ha, but worth every penny. Smells so nice and great consistency. Yes, join me tomorrow for a dewy glow!

 

[wendydong1]

It's from Poundland, ha, but worth every penny. Smells so nice and great consistency. Yes, join me tomorrow for a dewy glow!

I used two good for school? Something like that , egg cream face mask. Really loved the moisture

 

[exhausted]

I used two good for school? Something like that , egg cream face mask. Really loved the moisture

Not heard of that one, but then again I have only ever used one face mask and it is this one from Poundland. Onwards and upwards.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

@Raven Moon ...So so the same! It feels almost unreal. It's astounding what words (I wasn't physically hurt by this person) & subtly manipulation/ control can do! It wasn't entirely his fault- as I was vunerable anyway- but then again he damn well knew that! Just out of interest did u have a bad relation to yr dad? I can't help but feel that why I graviated towards the wrong man- the exact opposite of what I needed! Just a huge mistake.

Yes actually I do not have a very good relationship with my dad. My dad was very emotionally absent and never really showed me much affection or interest in me growing up. He was never ever physically abusive but he was very critical of me and my mother and he used yell a lot and fight with my mom. I'm sure that's definitely a factor in why I have been in relationships with people who were no good for me. I seem to be drawn to the narcissistic type sadly and it has not ended well for me (1 both physically, mentally, sexually abusive and another mentally abusive relationship) I think I never saw what a proper relationship was like growing up so I don't really even know what a healthy relationship is and how to behave in one.

 

[noctiva]

@exhausted, how was your face mask? Did it feel good? Skin happier today?

Quick catch up on the pomegranate oil from yesterday: It made my skin during the night very supple, very hydrated. It's lovely though it is very very rich, I would not recommend using it as a day oil, because you will get a whole lot of shine. But perfect for the night!

Okay, keeping my promise now, doing a sheet face mask. I have changed my mind on which one though, I found a lovely red packaging from Lululun Precious Red (and otherwise giving me a whole lot of Japanese, not surprising I brought it back from Japan..) all I understand from the packaging is that it will give me '132% UP!' which does sound amazing and tempting. So here goes nothing!

Anyone out there with me in my attempt to get some self care going?

 

[MeltingHeart]

@exhausted, how was your face mask? Did it feel good? Skin happier today?

Quick catch up on the pomegranate oil from yesterday: It made my skin during the night very supple, very hydrated. It's lovely though it is very very rich, I would not recommend using it as a day oil, because you will get a whole lot of shine. But perfect for the night!

Okay, keeping my promise now, doing a sheet face mask. I have changed my mind on which one though, I found a lovely red packaging from Lululun Precious Red (and otherwise giving me a whole lot of Japanese, not surprising I brought it back from Japan..) all I understand from the packaging is that it will give me '132% UP!' which does sound amazing and tempting. So here goes nothing!

Anyone out there with me in my attempt to get some self care going?

I wish I could- I just don't know if I have it in me and more, I always used to love nice skin care oils & essential oils too. Guess I don't see the point anymore. Such a horrible feeling :( , good for you though! If those little things helps - it's good to keep them up for sure!

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Anyone out there with me in my attempt to get some self care going?

I might join you on that. Sometimes I feel like me just giving up on my self care and appearance is making me more depressed. I have so much apathy I can't hardly do anything but I really miss making my hair look nice. I was considering buying a skin care device recently so maybe I'll just do it and hopefully feel better.

 

[noctiva]

I wish I could- I just don't know if I have it in me and more, I always used to love nice skin care oils & essential oils too. Guess I don't see the point anymore. Such a horrible feeling :( , good for you though! If those little things helps - it's good to keep them up for sure!

Don't worry @MeltingHeart, I didn't take care of myself for 2 months now already. I thought maybe I can get myself to do one thing for myself per day, just to feel a minimal amount of not completely letting go of myself. It's not great, but if someone here will go along with me, I will try to be there and support. I hope he will come back to me, so I don't want to give up on myself completely yet. Plus, as you addressed in your very first post, forgive me for paraphrasing, try to be an at least okay looking corpse. Smurf-blue, but nice skin and silky smooth.

I might join you on that. Sometimes I feel like me just giving up on my self care and appearance is making me more depressed. I have so much apathy I can't hardly do anything but I really miss making my hair look nice. I was considering buying a skin care device recently so maybe I'll just do it and hopefully feel better.

Oh @Raven Moon, what were you thinking about getting? I have a foreo, and I love it to bits. I used it yesterday to actually massage the pomegranate oil in (I know, you're not supposed to use the silicone with the oil, but it survived for quite a while now with my oil regimen) after I mushed it all over the place with my fingers. Felt really good to be honest, and I didn't need to do so much except move the foreo around!
What did you used to do for your hair?