biboro
Member
- Jul 8, 2025
- 16
I'm depressed (duh), autistic, BPD, bipolar, and (questioning) schizophrenic. I was and am super afraid that someone will recognize my life from this post, but after seeing a lot of other stories, I decided to go for it. My sweet mother got me Chipotle without me asking. A golden light in my room emanates from a lit candle in an orange-lacquered pottery box gifted to me. There are hearts made of light on the walls.
I have a perfect family, the type of family one would tearingly write a suicide note spanning chapters of apologetics. I was born to immigrants. My dad came to the US with 50 bucks in his pocket, and my mom with only 20. They came from nothing, and I was very aware of this fact my entire life. However, my parents are incredibly bright, went to university, and could come to the US on an H1B visa. My dad, especially, is a literal genius. He is able to do insane mental math and now works at a high-high-end engineering job. He is the personification of the phrase, "Jack of all trades", but "expert in most". As a result, he is overconfident in many areas, but acts humbly. My mother is afraid. She worries and thinks and plans and all of that. She is cursed with incredible empathy. She does not watch films with violence. In some scenes during Marvel movies, she shuts her eyes. When I got a lip piercing, she did not speak or look at me for four days, and I could hear her crying in various rooms in the dark throughout that time. This example is small, inconsequential, and meaningless to me. I just used it to give people an idea of her personality. She also works a high-end engineering job.
I was blessed and cursed with my parents' genetics. My father gave me a percentage of his brain, which was real nice as a kid. I skipped grades, took gifted classes, etc. I also inherited chronic pain conditions that made me suicidal all on their own, but that is irrelevant nowadays. I slowly withdrew from academics. I don't know why. There is no merit or honor I give to them.
I have been cutting since I was 7 years old. It's not because I feel sad or empty or want attention. I don't know why I do it. My body is disgusting and covered in scars, but completely hidden from everyone else. (I don't cut on my arms or legs). I am completely detached from my body. I feel pain, but am able to overcome it quite easily. When I was 14, I cut off a portion of my ear with kitchen scissors and was hospitalized. Last October, I chopped off one of my fingers with a cleaver and was sent to various psych wards and residential treatments against my will for 3-4 months. I have been on many, many cocktails of medication, and none of them have had a significant effect on me.
Recently, I've been seeing and hearing things that do not exist. I know my paternal family has a history of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and my maternal family has a history of depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I do not think life is worth living like this, but I cannot accurately describe why. I can make connections with others. Sometimes, they are even strong connections. In the end, it doesn't really matter. Due to a strange and Lovecraftian force that resides in me, no human speech can convey to others the true nature of my thoughts. I am not special. Perhaps this is the case for all humans and I am the only one who has an issue with it.
I love you
I have a perfect family, the type of family one would tearingly write a suicide note spanning chapters of apologetics. I was born to immigrants. My dad came to the US with 50 bucks in his pocket, and my mom with only 20. They came from nothing, and I was very aware of this fact my entire life. However, my parents are incredibly bright, went to university, and could come to the US on an H1B visa. My dad, especially, is a literal genius. He is able to do insane mental math and now works at a high-high-end engineering job. He is the personification of the phrase, "Jack of all trades", but "expert in most". As a result, he is overconfident in many areas, but acts humbly. My mother is afraid. She worries and thinks and plans and all of that. She is cursed with incredible empathy. She does not watch films with violence. In some scenes during Marvel movies, she shuts her eyes. When I got a lip piercing, she did not speak or look at me for four days, and I could hear her crying in various rooms in the dark throughout that time. This example is small, inconsequential, and meaningless to me. I just used it to give people an idea of her personality. She also works a high-end engineering job.
I was blessed and cursed with my parents' genetics. My father gave me a percentage of his brain, which was real nice as a kid. I skipped grades, took gifted classes, etc. I also inherited chronic pain conditions that made me suicidal all on their own, but that is irrelevant nowadays. I slowly withdrew from academics. I don't know why. There is no merit or honor I give to them.
I have been cutting since I was 7 years old. It's not because I feel sad or empty or want attention. I don't know why I do it. My body is disgusting and covered in scars, but completely hidden from everyone else. (I don't cut on my arms or legs). I am completely detached from my body. I feel pain, but am able to overcome it quite easily. When I was 14, I cut off a portion of my ear with kitchen scissors and was hospitalized. Last October, I chopped off one of my fingers with a cleaver and was sent to various psych wards and residential treatments against my will for 3-4 months. I have been on many, many cocktails of medication, and none of them have had a significant effect on me.
Recently, I've been seeing and hearing things that do not exist. I know my paternal family has a history of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and my maternal family has a history of depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I do not think life is worth living like this, but I cannot accurately describe why. I can make connections with others. Sometimes, they are even strong connections. In the end, it doesn't really matter. Due to a strange and Lovecraftian force that resides in me, no human speech can convey to others the true nature of my thoughts. I am not special. Perhaps this is the case for all humans and I am the only one who has an issue with it.
I love you
