Still Here, Until I'm Calm With The Method

[CaptainT]

Just a quickie to say that I'm not CTB this Sunday/Monday, not because I've had a 'come to Jesus' moment or my problems have suddenly vanished. It's actually the opposite...

I'm feeling panicked, rushed and unsure of my SN choice. I don't want my last 48 hours on earth to be like this. I'm not 'at peace' with the method. When I tried with the carbon monoxide two weeks ago I felt strong, prepared and the day itself was almost zen. But for the last few days I'm feeling darker, more afraid, because I'm not committed to the method.

I'm worried about the wrong antiemetic, the wrong antacid, regime or no regime etc. Looking at all the people on here who've used SN successfully I guess that just makes me a coward for the ingestion/poison exit route but that's that. I've practised with normal table salt in water, I've tested the antiemetic, but something still feels off.

I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from SN. Far from it. I'm just saying to be at peace and be calm with whatever method you're going for. CTB is the most profound experience a human can have so that feeling of being ok with it is vital. Back to the CO planning for me.

Anyways, just wanted to put that out as some very kind souls on here were writing to check up on my SN departure plans for today and tomorrow. I've not suddenly become pro-life, just a scared guy who wants to calm down and feel content with the method of my end. Perhaps I'll get that with SN in the coming days/weeks, it's still good to know the kit is all there.

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

Good choice! I think we will all agree that you've made the right decision.

I hope if you are still around that my goodbye thread and updates can be of some help to you!m

Thanks Captain.

 

[CaptainT]

Good choice! I think we will all agree that you've made the right decision.

I hope if you are still around that my goodbye thread and updates can be of some help to you!m

Thanks Captain.

Cheers @AnxiouslyDepressed, remind me, are you planning to CTB soon? Hope you're feeling strong brother and things are ok as they can be

 

[AnxiouslyDepressed]

Cheers @AnxiouslyDepressed, remind me, are you planning to CTB soon? Hope you're feeling strong brother and things are ok as they can be

Yes Captain! 29th Nov. You are one of the ones I will be thanking in my post so I'm sure you will see it before I go!

I will be documenting up until the point where i'm nearing black out so i can sign out and delete autofill cookies etc

 

[JimFord99]

Just stay calm, CaptainT, and think things through. Nothing worse than a rushed wrong decission ....

 

[awfullife]

All good Captain T. I really appreciate all your detailed notes about CO method. I wish you well in your decision brother.

 

[charlie_z]

Just a quickie to say that I'm not CTB this Sunday/Monday, not because I've had a 'come to Jesus' moment or my problems have suddenly vanished. It's actually the opposite...

I'm feeling panicked, rushed and unsure of my SN choice. I don't want my last 48 hours on earth to be like this. I'm not 'at peace' with the method. When I tried with the carbon monoxide two weeks ago I felt strong, prepared and the day itself was almost zen. But for the last few days I'm feeling darker, more afraid, because I'm not committed to the method.

I'm worried about the wrong antiemetic, the wrong antacid, regime or no regime etc. Looking at all the people on here who've used SN successfully I guess that just makes me a coward for the ingestion/poison exit route but that's that. I've practised with normal table salt in water, I've tested the antiemetic, but something still feels off.

I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from SN. Far from it. I'm just saying to be at peace and be calm with whatever method you're going for. CTB is the most profound experience a human can have so that feeling of being ok with it is vital. Back to the CO planning for me.

Anyways, just wanted to put that out as some very kind souls on here were writing to check up on my SN departure plans for today and tomorrow. I've not suddenly become pro-life, just a scared guy who wants to calm down and feel content with the method of my end. Perhaps I'll get that with SN in the coming days/weeks, it's still good to know the kit is all there.

That is a really nice post with some very nice responses from folks. Thank you for sharing Captain.

 

[Wreck-it-Riley]

This is valuable for people to see. We think this through. This isnt an impulse. Thank you for sharing. I believe that when my day comes i will be zen. and if its not something that makes me feel better, im not sure i will be able to do it ether.

 

[Mrnobody2019]

I feel the opposite way tbh. Me wanting to ctb isn't impulsive but each day That I'm waiting for my SN to arrive the more I wish it was here so I could just take it now. I don't feel calm at all, infact im breaking down pretty much every waking second of each day, because of how much my life has turned upside down. Pretty much torture how perfect my life would be atm if everything stayed how I wanted it to stay (and it would have been so easy to prevent this happening). But I feel like I've already gone past the point of no return, I don't want this life and The sooner i CTB the better, I can't enjoy anything at all anymore.

I guess for me I'm stuck between the pain of knowing I have to CTB, but also knowing how easily it all could have been prevented months ago. I shouldn't have had to do this

 

[morningdew]

Just a quickie to say that I'm not CTB this Sunday/Monday, not because I've had a 'come to Jesus' moment or my problems have suddenly vanished. It's actually the opposite...

I'm feeling panicked, rushed and unsure of my SN choice. I don't want my last 48 hours on earth to be like this. I'm not 'at peace' with the method. When I tried with the carbon monoxide two weeks ago I felt strong, prepared and the day itself was almost zen. But for the last few days I'm feeling darker, more afraid, because I'm not committed to the method.

I'm worried about the wrong antiemetic, the wrong antacid, regime or no regime etc. Looking at all the people on here who've used SN successfully I guess that just makes me a coward for the ingestion/poison exit route but that's that. I've practised with normal table salt in water, I've tested the antiemetic, but something still feels off.

I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from SN. Far from it. I'm just saying to be at peace and be calm with whatever method you're going for. CTB is the most profound experience a human can have so that feeling of being ok with it is vital. Back to the CO planning for me.

Anyways, just wanted to put that out as some very kind souls on here were writing to check up on my SN departure plans for today and tomorrow. I've not suddenly become pro-life, just a scared guy who wants to calm down and feel content with the method of my end. Perhaps I'll get that with SN in the coming days/weeks, it's still good to know the kit is all there.

nothing wrong with waiting. I feel the same way about SN. I was poison by doctors so it's hard for me to come to terms with poising myself and I fear I could have a bad reaction to the required meds. At the same time, I respect those that choose the SN method as it seem to be reliable.

 

[Hank]

Just a quickie to say that I'm not CTB this Sunday/Monday, not because I've had a 'come to Jesus' moment or my problems have suddenly vanished. It's actually the opposite...

I'm feeling panicked, rushed and unsure of my SN choice. I don't want my last 48 hours on earth to be like this. I'm not 'at peace' with the method. When I tried with the carbon monoxide two weeks ago I felt strong, prepared and the day itself was almost zen. But for the last few days I'm feeling darker, more afraid, because I'm not committed to the method.

I'm worried about the wrong antiemetic, the wrong antacid, regime or no regime etc. Looking at all the people on here who've used SN successfully I guess that just makes me a coward for the ingestion/poison exit route but that's that. I've practised with normal table salt in water, I've tested the antiemetic, but something still feels off.

I'm not trying to dissuade anyone from SN. Far from it. I'm just saying to be at peace and be calm with whatever method you're going for. CTB is the most profound experience a human can have so that feeling of being ok with it is vital. Back to the CO planning for me.

Anyways, just wanted to put that out as some very kind souls on here were writing to check up on my SN departure plans for today and tomorrow. I've not suddenly become pro-life, just a scared guy who wants to calm down and feel content with the method of my end. Perhaps I'll get that with SN in the coming days/weeks, it's still good to know the kit is all there.

If the mind isn't ready then you are not ready. I don't think that anyone will be waiting for your death ;) And those who are, are just evil people.

I myself am still in doubt as well. The when, how and where part are still undecided. Especially since I have a wife, and family. But it's good to have the stuff available for when you need it. I only know I have to within 3 months, so I did a lot of investigation, and I have ordered SN. But the method you mentioned, nl the CO poisoning sounds a lot better to me. Perhaps after new year after I truly gave everything a try, and I am completely out of options. Something like that will help to give that push.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think you made the right choice. Glad you are sticking around at least for a while.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Hi captain. I practised today with table salt (25g) and I felt the need to throw it up. Didnt take antiemetics. So I think I'll take 15g as it says in the PPH 2019.

 

[Meant2Die]

@TimeToBiteTheDust how did you practice? Just took a small gulp of it?

Captain, you're not a coward. If it feels off that could be what's causing some of the panic. I don't know if there's a way to feel at peace with the method we choose, considering what we are doing, but if some can get that to place then more power to them. Thank you for updating us on the situation.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

@TimeToBiteTheDust how did you practice? Just took a small gulp of it?

Captain, you're not a coward. If it feels off that could be what's causing some of the panic. I don't know if there's a way to feel at peace with the method we choose, considering what we are doing, but if some can get that to place then more power to them. Thank you for updating us on the situation.

I took 25g of table salt without antiemetics. And felt the need of throw it up. Tried with 15g and it was OK. Just felt a little dizzy.

 

[deathbyginger]

I totally respect your decision. You couldn't have said it better, it's best that you feel right in your mind about the method and the time.
I think it's really important to note that on this forum right now, SN is mainstream, but that doesn't mean by any means that it's the right method for everyone. It's always a great idea to read through all the resources this site has to offer before making a final decision (and I'm sure you have).
I hope you can feel relieved now that you have decided to hold it off. And I wish you peace at mind as the next date approaches. I hope that your next attempt with CO proves successful. The one main thing I would change about your next attempt would be to decrease the amount of benzos and alcohol you consume.That way you know for sure that the CO is the one knocking you out, and not just the drugs.
I'm finding myself anxious just waiting for my SN. I wish I could at least have the comfort of having a backup.
Keep in touch, @CaptainT
I'm always here to talk :)