Still here but it's not a failed attempt

[CherryGirl675]

Hi y'all I'm still here. Went on a bender due to letting someone back into my life I should not have. I'm scared because now I'm doubting if it will work if I try my method, if it doesn't work I'm not sure what I would do I think I'd be so scared.

I'm not sure if I'll attempt tonight or tomorrow, I wanted to wait one more night but my mania is coming back and now I'm scared if I'll be able to do it right. So I guess this is a vent post of sorts.

I'm scared it won't work and I'll wake up tomorrow. I can't rot away in a psych ward or a rehab. But I'm also scared it will work, I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared to let go of this life because I had so many dreams and aspirations. That's the part that hurts. Being unable to live. Being unable to have my dreams. It's like holding onto believing in Santa, I know it's not real, I know I can't have it, but I want it to be real.

I want to hope that in whatever comes next I will get what I always wanted. Peace. Love. The strength to follow my passions. I wanted to be a veterinarian. I wanted to help people. I wanted to save animals and spread knowledge.

I cherish the moments of joy. Studying biology and animal behaviorism. Swimming. Singing at the top of my lungs. Meeting new people and sharing in the love of life. I have two siblings and two parents who have come a long way. I love to paint. I love to go to the beach. I love nature and the city. I loved when he would play with my hair and tell me that one day I would get past this.

I really did hope I would get past things. I hope in what comes next I can love fully and truly. I pray for a brighter future.

I just have to be ready to let go. I don't think I'll ever be fully ready. I'll always hope against better judgement. I just have to decide to do it and follow through

 

[hhtroc]

"I'm scared it won't work and I'll wake up tomorrow. I can't rot away in a psych ward or a rehab. But I'm also scared it will work, I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared to let go of this life because I had so many dreams and aspirations. That's the part that hurts. Being unable to live. Being unable to have my dreams. It's like holding onto believing in Santa, I know it's not real, I know I can't have it, but I want it to be real."

this. so many unmet needs. The urge to end this is not because i want to die, its because i am completely unable to have these needs met. I had such big dreams. i know its not gonna happen but what if there is a way. i know there isnt but what if? :/

 

[CherryGirl675]

Gonna get my setup ready and smoke some more grass, if I go then I go. If not I guess I'll be back tomorrow if you pray, pray I have the strength

 

[rozeske]

I'm sorry it's come to this for you. Letting go of the hope is not easy. Whatever you decide I hope you find love and peace. If you decide to hang on a little longer you are always welcome here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace from suffering you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[metothemoon]

"I'm scared it won't work and I'll wake up tomorrow. I can't rot away in a psych ward or a rehab. But I'm also scared it will work, I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared to let go of this life because I had so many dreams and aspirations. That's the part that hurts. Being unable to live. Being unable to have my dreams. It's like holding onto believing in Santa, I know it's not real, I know I can't have it, but I want it to be real."

this. so many unmet needs. The urge to end this is not because i want to die, its because i am completely unable to have these needs met. I had such big dreams. i know its not gonna happen but what if there is a way. i know there isnt but what if? :/

This hits the spot. It hits it hard