other-ghost
rotting
- Apr 5, 2025
- 81
Long rant about my situation.
So I just graduated. Well, unofficially. But it doesn't even matter because i've fucked everything up so badly. I don't feel ready for this whole "adulthood" thing at all.
I'm supposed to be a design student, but I feel like I have zero creativity in me. I'm not passionate about art anymore. People call me an "artist," but i've never even made a proper illustration. I can't find any joy in it, and i can't solve basic design problems.
I spent 4 years in university and did a 1 year internship, and for what? My portfolio is shit. It's basically empty. Everyone else, all my friends, they are so much further ahead than me. I know people say "everyone has their own timeline" or whatever, but that's bullshit for me.
And the worst part is???? my family looks like they have money. Upper-middle class, can afford anything. But for me? It's financial abuse, always get blamed whenever i spent money on basic need. I try to make my own money selling art commissions, but that barely helps. Living in a third-world country is a joke, one of my drawings costs the same as a cheap snack here.
This is all because I got this stupid major depression. So what now? My future is just… gone. It's ruined.
And I have no one. My family is emotionally neglecting and financially abusive, and I'm pretty sure my friends are just tired of hearing about my problems. I'm stuck with this depression that's destroying my future, and i don't see a way out. I know i have to help myself and get treatment, but that costs money. It always comes back to money. It's just a stupid, endless loop.
it's tiring just writing this all down. It's probably tiring to read too, sorry. I feel like CTB is easier at this point. I always lie to myself that someday it'll get better. Said that to myself for 5 years and it didn't. Thought about CTB for so long, but it does feels like the year of 2025 is indeed the best year for me to do it.
I want to live, to be honest. I want to experience life to the fullest, if that's even an option for me. But it's not. The option is 1) live this hell on earth. 2) death. Sounds like the second one is easier when access to SN is easy here.
So I just graduated. Well, unofficially. But it doesn't even matter because i've fucked everything up so badly. I don't feel ready for this whole "adulthood" thing at all.
I'm supposed to be a design student, but I feel like I have zero creativity in me. I'm not passionate about art anymore. People call me an "artist," but i've never even made a proper illustration. I can't find any joy in it, and i can't solve basic design problems.
I spent 4 years in university and did a 1 year internship, and for what? My portfolio is shit. It's basically empty. Everyone else, all my friends, they are so much further ahead than me. I know people say "everyone has their own timeline" or whatever, but that's bullshit for me.
And the worst part is???? my family looks like they have money. Upper-middle class, can afford anything. But for me? It's financial abuse, always get blamed whenever i spent money on basic need. I try to make my own money selling art commissions, but that barely helps. Living in a third-world country is a joke, one of my drawings costs the same as a cheap snack here.
This is all because I got this stupid major depression. So what now? My future is just… gone. It's ruined.
And I have no one. My family is emotionally neglecting and financially abusive, and I'm pretty sure my friends are just tired of hearing about my problems. I'm stuck with this depression that's destroying my future, and i don't see a way out. I know i have to help myself and get treatment, but that costs money. It always comes back to money. It's just a stupid, endless loop.
it's tiring just writing this all down. It's probably tiring to read too, sorry. I feel like CTB is easier at this point. I always lie to myself that someday it'll get better. Said that to myself for 5 years and it didn't. Thought about CTB for so long, but it does feels like the year of 2025 is indeed the best year for me to do it.
I want to live, to be honest. I want to experience life to the fullest, if that's even an option for me. But it's not. The option is 1) live this hell on earth. 2) death. Sounds like the second one is easier when access to SN is easy here.
