Venting Steff1337's thread for venting and random thoughts

[ForgottenAgain]

I would like to use this thread to apologise for possibly shitty posts. Many times when I'm on this forum I'm either relatively high, tired or simply generally unwell, such as now while I'm writing this. I feel like my post count for those reasons should be much lower for the sake of quality and I think that I didn't deserve such a high reaction count. I'm sorry.
"I'm leaving, I'm leaving, from this planet I travel. I travel, I travel, the Moon I look forward to."

It's your thread, you can express how you feel. As long as it doesn't hurt others, there's no need to apologise. I appreciate reading your post, no matter the quality.
I wish you a pleasant day

 

[Steff1337]

It's your thread, you can express how you feel. As long as it doesn't hurt others, there's no need to apologise. I appreciate reading your post, no matter the quality.
I wish you a pleasant day

Thank you very much. Actually I wanted to apologise for low-quality posts on the forum in general, due to previously said reasons.

 

[Steff1337]

Okay, so it's official. If I'm lucky enough, I'm going to CTB on my birthday this year. But if I survive that long, the final CTB date is not beyond October/2nd next year.
Again, I might survive going thru my birthday this year, but hitting the age of 30 is my definite maximum. All in all, sometime in the next 411 days, I'm going to be gone.
Btw, the title of the thread says it, but feel free to leave comments if you so desire.

 

[Steff1337]

Damn, the suffering is barely tolerable. I'm still waiting for that little money, which btw, might be the last that I'll have to buy some apparently expensive SN, and if I can some H. Speaking of that, I would appreciate the advice on how much SN and H would be enough to be absolutely sure that I'll die, that is about 10 times the fatal dose. Thank you for reading the shit that I post.

 

[Steff1337]

I'll see my father tomorrow for the first time in months. We'll drink some rum and get wasted. My father loves me to the point that he would kill for me and finance my own death.
Unconditional love from my father and my mother as well.

 

[Steff1337]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

 

[grungy自殺]

I would like to use this thread to apologise for possibly shitty posts. Many times when I'm on this forum I'm either relatively high, tired or simply generally unwell, such as now while I'm writing this. I feel like my post count for those reasons should be much lower for the sake of quality and I think that I didn't deserve such a high reaction count. I'm sorry.
"I'm leaving, I'm leaving, from this planet I travel. I travel, I travel, the Moon I look forward to."

Hey dude, say what you gotta say, it's a pretty open space and i'm so sorry what you're going through rn.

I honesty think it's great you're expressing yourself because i know you want to be heard and we're here for you.

I wish you best of luck with whatever you're facing.

Continuing with one of my favourite Metallica songs to make things a little bit better:

I love this one.

"Look on the bright side is suicide. Lost eyesight I'm on your side."

Haha

Those are lines that i often love hearing

 

[dolemitedrums]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

Thanks for the recognition. It means something to feel someone is getting something out of what one has to offer on a site like this.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

Aw this is so sweet. Thank you for the shout out ❤
I hope you're having a pleasant day and that you feel more comfortable sharing your thoughts

 

[QueerMelancholy]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

I will admit I am more accustomed to being shouted at than I am to being shouted out.

So please feel free to shout at me as well to ease how I feel about being mentioned.

 

[sugarb]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

Hey, thanks for the shoutout dude
I hope you're well. :)

 

[annasplight]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

Hey! I appreciate you mentioning me. I do worry for you often, how about you shoot me a message so I can check on you more? :( Much love from Anna! <3

 

[tsykoais]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

thank uu, wishing u well

 

[Steff1337]

Sorry, this is gonna be very short... Yesterday had one of the worst experiences of my life. A shitload of pills with alcohol. Almost had to call an ambulance. Still hard to function.
Actually, if I died it wouldn't be that bad, but a fucking horrible death. I'm doing what's possible to get in a better condition. More elaborately about this when I can function better.

 

[sugarb]

Sorry, this is gonna be very short... Yesterday had one of the worst experiences of my life. A shitload of pills with alcohol. Almost had to call an ambulance. Still hard to function.
Actually, if I died it wouldn't be that bad, but a fucking horrible death. I'm doing what's possible to get in a better condition. More elaborately about this when I can function better.

Take care man.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Sorry, this is gonna be very short... Yesterday had one of the worst experiences of my life. A shitload of pills with alcohol. Almost had to call an ambulance. Still hard to function.
Actually, if I died it wouldn't be that bad, but a fucking horrible death. I'm doing what's possible to get in a better condition. More elaborately about this when I can function better.

that sounds so scary, I sorry you had to go through that. Take your time to rest and recover. I hope you feel a bit better soon

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Sorry, this is gonna be very short... Yesterday had one of the worst experiences of my life. A shitload of pills with alcohol. Almost had to call an ambulance. Still hard to function.
Actually, if I died it wouldn't be that bad, but a fucking horrible death. I'm doing what's possible to get in a better condition. More elaborately about this when I can function better.

I hope you recover quickly. Take care!!

 

[Jeav]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

Thank you sometimes people need to get some attention, love and care that's kind coming from you, as a majority here struggle with self-esteem :)

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

Thank you for your kindness. This warms my heart :)

 

[DrearyAsh348]

Shout out to the following people:
@ropearoundatree
@Jeav
@Circles
@DrearyAsh348
@tsykoais
@dolemitedrums
@Praestat_Mori
@ForgottenAgain
@sugarb
@QueerMelancholy
@GoatHerder
@divinemistress36
@WhatPowerIs
@annasplight
@Mojo's mama
I'm very sorry if I have left out somebody.

This is so nice. I appreciate it so much

Shy ppl represent, 10/10 very wholesome

 

[Steff1337]

This thread has now over 1k views, so I'll give shout outs to all the people I didn't include. Btw, elaborate explanation about what happened 2 days ago coming tonight (CET).
Also elaborate talk about my general condition. If I didn't tag somebody here, I honestly apologise. Brain is not working properly now.
@needthebus
@grungy自殺
Simply, thanks a bunch to all the people who took the time to read at least one post in this thread.

 

[Steff1337]

A few days ago I invited my father whom I haven't seen in months to possibly meet for the last time irl. I've asked him to buy a litter of rum because I prefer that drink although he doesn't much. It was very difficult hearing him talk about very negative things almost exclusively. So we drank a few shots of rum. I've taken a handful of meds soon before that. Pretty quickly I became unwell, and told my father to leave. After that I was feeling just worse and worse until I laid in bed being overall very unwell and in panic. The next day I felt better physically but was in panic for most of the time. I was able to get out of that state of mind the next day. Overall I haven't ever had such an experience before. Now I've learned my lesson and will never allow that to happen again. Today was a pretty good day compared to those couple ones. But still I continue to feel unwell as usual due to my serious mental illness. I will do my best to share my thoughts with you and keep this thread alive until the day I die.
"When the time comes that you're not able to care for yourself, and furthermore need a doctor, you know that it's time to leave."

 

[Steff1337]

My dear Christina, I can't believe that I've lost you. You brought such joy to my life. Your tragic death is by far the worst thing that ever happened in my life.
I hoped that I would not live long enough to see you die. I would CTB right now, without thinking about it for a second if that would again bring you to life.
I'm looking forward to my death, and really hope we'll meet in Heaven. Rest in peace, you'll always exist in my heart and soul until the day I die, and forever after.
I know that despite every other one of my problems, your passing is something worst that I've experienced in my life. I would CTB just for you, even if I had no other issues in my life.
Rest in peace, one of the most beautiful beings in the Universe. I have known you for a decade, and you were one of the reasons for which I exist. c. Sep/2013 - 14/Nov/2023 - forever
This world is beyond a cruel place. Something that just needs to disappear forever. All the fairly good people would go to Heaven and the rest would just cease to exist.
This world anyways contains about 90% of idiotic scum who don't deserve it. They just need to stop existing forever and hopefully experience pain. Fuck everything. (To be continued)

 

[maniac116]

Thank you to all the people who take their time to go thru this thread of mine. Your comments and reactions are highly appreciated. <3



Sorry, you have to be logged on to YouTube to watch this.

One inaccuracy of this video:
Just because a person dies by their own hand doesn't mean it was intended as suicide ie an unintentional overdose

 

[Steff1337]

If I'm able to get SN by my birthday this year, I might CTB than. If not, the deadline is definitely my 30th birthday.
I can't suffer anymore, every day is a nightmare. I just want to go to Heaven or simply stop existing. I don't care what will happen.
As for my loved ones, I know it will be hard for them, but I hope they'll understand why I had to leave. Fuck this life.

 

[Steff1337]

Unfortunately, there's no way for me to get SN by my 29th birthday. I'm forced to postpone CTB, sometime by by my 30th birthday. The "blood, sweat and tears" continue.

A song which I can't relate to much because my whole life was pain and suffering, but I like it anyways:



Also, someone please PM me, I'm a really lonely person.

 

[Steff1337]

No sentimentality... I hope electric guitar and metal fans will appreciate this:

 

[Steff1337]

RAGE!!! I actually like this song lol:

 

[Steff1337]

When it comes to my miserable financial situation, I have been allowed a social services aid of 120 euros per month. The first time I'll get any money is on 20/Sep.
Due to the fact that I've applied quite some time ago, it might hopefully be that I'll receive an amount of 6 months worth of aid, so totalling 720 euros.
How much I really need for my CTB plan is in the range of 150-600 euros, but the larger amount would cover expenses for possibly being tricked for SN.
I already have all the rest needed for the SN method such as several painkillers, an antacid, antiemetic and a large quantity of psych meds (due to my mental illness).
Only thing missing there is actually the most important one: SN. When it comes to that, I have multiple possible sources, and I hope that at least one of them works.
I could save up 200 euros right now, but that would unfortunately mean that I wouldn't have the money for the most basic things, such as food, meds, and bills.
The suffering of not having a reliable and effective method continues. Having to wait for almost a month just to order SN is very difficult, due to my daily struggles.

 

[Steff1337]

How I usually feel: depressed, miserable, sad, unhappy, awful, desperate, dying, doom, anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, pathetic, dysfunctional, disabled, tortured, disbelief, stressed, nightmare, crying, suffering, devastated, scared, scarred, sorry, lonely, terrible, horrible, sickening, sorrowful, debilitated, painful, ridiculous, disappointed, upset, frightened, destroyed...
I probably forgot something...