Story started recovery but feeling conflicted

[discoelysiumplayer]

+discussion
hello, i initially made this account to ask for advice on how to commit, last night i had short attack that sent me into a mini spiral but after reading that amazing post by chemi i would like to hear other people's thoughts and personal stories.

i was admitted for a few days on a ward at the start of the year. i started having constant panic attacks around last year and a really bad one made my dad call 911, the doctors were very nice and professional and asked if i had any history regarding sh or suicidal thoughts, i was honest and they suggested hospitalization. i agreed.

since then i've been going to a psychologist every week, and a psychiatrist every month. i've been on clonazepam, risperidone and lamotrigine, so you can guess my diagnosis. now, i haven't had "episodes" like i used to have, which is good but i also haven't been feeling much at all. sure, things make me laugh or teary but i haven't been able to emote (is that the right word?) properly, and i have been feeling really unmotivated. i have a hard time waking up in the morning, not in the way i used to (cuz i didn't sleep the night before) but it's like sleep calls me and i don't know any better. i completely stopped drawing and playing video games, something that i used to do 24/7, feels like a chore more than something to enjoy. the only thing i "enjoy" is work, but only because i don't have time to think about anything else at all, it's like i'm back on autopilot.

i'm now planning to talk about this with both my psychologist and psychiatrist, but i would love to know if anyone feels the same way. i'm not dumb, i know recovery doesn't come from one day to the other, but it's got me feeling a little helpless.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

Thanks for sharing so honestly, and welcome! I'm a long-term MDD/PTSD sufferer who has been through the pharmacy merry-go-round more than a few times. I've been on both risperidone and clonazepam, and they've currently got me on the max dosage of sertraline (200mg q.d., which I have to split to 100mg b.i.d. to avoid the really bad side effects). Yes, psychotropics can 'plane you out' in a way that makes you feel numbed or, well, medicated. There used to be a big thing about the 'thorazine shuffle'. You can talk with your treatment team and let them know you're uncomfortable, and they may try to switch dosages or change meds, but the process can be both emotionally draining and physically dangerous, as many psychotropics have a chance of a bad reaction (i.e. they make things worse rather than better). If your current regimen is tolerable, you might just stick it out and see if the adverse effects lessen over time, but definitely communicate any and all mood changes (even the fact you feel like a zombie) to your prescribing psychiatrist.
Glad things are looking up, and hope you find that balance of good, bad and ugly.
p.s. forgot to mention, but yes, I feel the same way, but it's better than the hell I was in before. Good luck!