Venting Sometimes it’s okay, other times not so much

[nomoredolor]

Some days I do okay. I am not in too much pain, I am productive and enjoying life's connections, learning and experiences.

Other days I am in so much mental and physical pain. Brain fog and exhaustion. Constant nightmares when I sleep. Every breath feels like a chore and every sigh communicates my wish for death.

I'm just so tired of the struggle. I've wanted to die for nearly 20 years. Shouldn't I just put myself out of my misery? But then I feel like I will certainly not have opportunity for anything to get better. Or to have certain experiences before I die. But staying is consenting to more pain and suffering and uncertainty. Are the few good times worth the many bad? I don't know, that's the question.

The thought of ending my existence is so damn attractive. But other times I think I can stay and fight and just delay offing myself awhile longer.

Anna

 

[Sutter]

Stand.

Have heaving moments myself, times when it just cant be carried. The moment a deer steps lightly to the side of the road, the tenseness of the stance. Time slows as you cam see the intent and first movement. Not enough stopping distance, there will be no maneuvering, death is coming for the deer and your the chauffeur. I am aware I have not even felt the full brunt of what is to come, that in many ways it is an event and destination I do not want to see.

I knew a chosen persons love for a time. Some blissful moments there. They were worth the suffering for me. Now, but for the love my daughters have for me, I would pass on by. I owe though, I owe that love. No matter the thick pungent darkness gathering, I owe my daughters some time.

So yes I can see the struggle as I weakly stand with a defeated and defiant heart and trudge in to the darkness to pay what I owe to the souls that placed love on me. Defiant, defeated, stubborn, willing, stoic, crying, all those, wearily every day, but I stand knowing some day I wont have to, as the last whisper of a life lived comes to us all.

Stand, fall, struggle, change? Well it may, your not wrong for thinking it, it also may not have something in store for you, for us all. What there is, is a darkness gathering and either you will stand or fall to your own accord, another day or a last day. Can be sure you are not the only one.

Time for me to go stand a bit as Ive some swearing to do about love.

Evening Anna, pretty name by the way.