nintendo64
mr. kill myself
- Dec 19, 2025
- 3
I've always been told it gets better. I've had depression for my entire life, my first memory as a small child is looking down at my little hands and just thinking that I was never meant to be here and I don't want to exist. Every year I'm alive it only gets worse and worse, dipping to new lows I didn't even think possible. I am so, so tired of hearing that lie. It never got better, it's been decades. I've been unemployed for nearly 4 years, despite applying to probably thousands of jobs. Rejected from McDonalds and every other conceivable place that there is. I see a friend once every maybe two months. They're too busy with their jobs and partners to hang out with their pathetic depressed bum friend. I've tried meds, therapy, nothing worked. Blow didn't make me feel happy either. Nothing does. I've never been happy without that gnawing feeling deep in the pit of my stomach trying to claw its way out. I've been abused in every way, honestly to an almost comical extent. I've been molested, raped by everyone i've ever slept with, groped, stalked, kidnapped, harrassed, groomed, verbally abused, beaten. I can never even come close to trusting someone ever again. Whenever someone touches me it makes me want to vomit. Nobody ever respects that, and I'm a spineless weasel who just freezes when someone ignores my protests. I never fought back.
I stopped trying to make new friends after a girl developed an obsession with me, she would send me walls of text every day, drew portraits of me, randomly biked to my house in the middle of the night drunk in the pouring rain for 5 hours then hugged me even though I asked her not to and she refused to let go. It just made me feel like its happening all over again, sending me spiraling. I don't know why I always attract such bizarre people. My ex of four years started dating me when I was 16 and he was 21. He force fed me until I gained 100 pounds for his fetish, I lost all the weight and I'm anorexic and my body looks weird now. Every time I look in the mirror it's a reminder I chose to stay with him for four years despite his rampant cheating and abuse and I just feel pathetic.
My life is irrepirably fucked in every aspect, I could go on for hours. I just see no way out of this living nightmare other than to CTB. I wish more people could see death for what it can be, a mercy, instead of lying and saying it gets better. For some people, it just doesn't. There is really nothing more I can do. I'm just so tired, and I've always been tired. Nothing else could possibly fix this.
I stopped trying to make new friends after a girl developed an obsession with me, she would send me walls of text every day, drew portraits of me, randomly biked to my house in the middle of the night drunk in the pouring rain for 5 hours then hugged me even though I asked her not to and she refused to let go. It just made me feel like its happening all over again, sending me spiraling. I don't know why I always attract such bizarre people. My ex of four years started dating me when I was 16 and he was 21. He force fed me until I gained 100 pounds for his fetish, I lost all the weight and I'm anorexic and my body looks weird now. Every time I look in the mirror it's a reminder I chose to stay with him for four years despite his rampant cheating and abuse and I just feel pathetic.
My life is irrepirably fucked in every aspect, I could go on for hours. I just see no way out of this living nightmare other than to CTB. I wish more people could see death for what it can be, a mercy, instead of lying and saying it gets better. For some people, it just doesn't. There is really nothing more I can do. I'm just so tired, and I've always been tired. Nothing else could possibly fix this.
