Something's holding me back from killing myself

[Marktheghost]

I spent about an hour or 2 yesterday on the (metaphorical) edge of the cliff yesterday, thinking about dying. And I still can't make a definite decision to do it, despite the fact that before I got my sodium nitrite I'd known for about 23 years that I want to kill myself. Something's holding me back. And I don't know what it is.

The only things I can think of that it might be are the very fact that I've done nothing with my life and I won't be remembered or anything, the possibility that I might make a new friend who I met back in the autumn, and apprehension about oblivion.

I don't see why oblivion seems so daunting. It'll just be like going to sleep and never waking up won't it?

Given that I've done nothing with my life before now, there's very little chance that I ever will, so isn't that all the more reason to die? And if I finally do something of note, won't that make me even less keen to die?

The potential friend is a 56 year old granny who lives down in the south of England. I might finally have met someone who really cares about me. I've never known anybody else that does. Surely 1 friend isn't enough reason to stay alive though?

How do I work out what it is that's holding me back, and why it's holding me back, and deal with it? Now I've finally got access to that button to press that will kill me (almost) instantly, I'm struggling to actually bring myself to press it!

 

[262653]

How do I work out what it is that's holding me back, and why it's holding me back, and deal with it? Now I've finally got access to that button to press that will kill me (almost) instantly, I'm struggling to actually bring myself to press it!

Yes, internal conflict. Much like civil war, where multiple parts of one country fight each other. Just like a parent might have a conflict with a child within a single family, so the single body is not devoid of contradiction, of multiple goals incompatible with each other. The thing that holds me back might very well to be the same thing that works the thyroid gland in the body I have, regulates body temperature, breathing, etc..

Emotions can help dealing with it. They don't seem to necessarily serve this, presumably more basic, survival side. Emotions like envy, fury, indignation, despair, can be so influential that even survival instinct won't be able to stop them.

 

[megafire]

don't you think that it would be worth exploring this friendship with this person who cares about you? you say that you've done nothing with your life, but perhaps you are measuring your life in a single metric- job/career or whatever it may be- and not opening your mind to other facets that may make life worth living.

I don't necessarily believe in fate or everything happening for a reason but it seems that this new friend came into your life at a very precise time. at the very least, nurture it and see where it goes. maybe it won't go anywhere, but at least give it a solid go. you can always kill yourself later.

wishing you the very best, friend

 

[Deleted member 94]

don't you think that it would be worth exploring this friendship with this person who cares about you? you say that you've done nothing with your life, but perhaps you are measuring your life in a single metric- job/career or whatever it may be- and not opening your mind to other facets that may make life worth living.

I don't necessarily believe in fate or everything happening for a reason but it seems that this new friend came into your life at a very precise time. at the very least, nurture it and see where it goes. maybe it won't go anywhere, but at least give it a solid go. you can always kill yourself later.

wishing you the very best, friend

Second this, the cliff isn't going anywhere it will still be there whenever you want it.

 

[WornOutLife]

About the part that you feel you'll be forgotten as "the guy who did nothing" let me tell you, most of us will be forgotten! Unless we're like Elon Musk lol.
My great-great-children/nephews/nieces won't even know I existed! (unless facebook still exists haha)

 

[signifying nothing]

I personally look forward to being forgotten.

But anyway, it sounds as though you still have some hope in your life that things might change for the better. Maybe you only need a few things to improve to be able to step away from thinking about suicide?

Or is life maybe mostly bearable for you - ie there isn't something significant constantly pushing you towards suicide, so the final act is then quite difficult to rationalise to yourself?

 

[gtrfvr]

don't see why oblivion seems so daunting. It'll just be like going to sleep and never waking up won't it?

doesnt come naturally to me either. but one way or another I'm determined to end.