StevieNixs
Specialist
- Jul 22, 2021
- 316
So I have been posting on here for a couple of weeks as I have been suicidal for some time now, exacerbated by the sudden death of my sister in her bed in her home. I had been planning to CTB before this happened and now I have been prescribed Valium just to be able to function enough to help her only daughter.
My sister lived in a house where she had accumulated a lot of things over the years. I am now (in my still present fragmented state of mind) being traumatised on a twice weekly basis by having to travel to her house with my pensioner mother and niece in order to pack up her house. The reason this cannot be done by an independent company is primarily because my niece has to go through all of her things and work out which to put in storage, which to keep, which to throw away and which to donate to charity. We have been to her house about six times in the last three weeks (I do not live near my niece) and spend between 6 to 8 hours each time undertaking this very arduous and painful task - coming across old calendars, diaries, notes, letters, cards, etc. Going into her bedroom with my family to clear out her belongings, see the bed where she died... it made me want to come home and CTB immediately. I have not done so because I need in the short term to be there for my niece to support her. My sister had a long standing autoimmune disease which left her housebound - but this did not actually lead to her death. That was something else - but her daughter has the exact same condition and it has become worse since her mother's death. So - despite struggling and my mental health becoming so bad, I am helping my niece with the clearance of her house and trying to offer emotional and practical support. It is awful - truly, truly awful. I hate going into my sister's house, I hate going into her road. I hate the pain of being there. It is emotionally harming me - and despite having issues (I know you could say well it would cause these sort of emotional issues for me given how I feel anyway) - it is causing pain to my mother and my niece as well and my mother is not suicidal and my niece has no existing mental health issues.
Following my sister's death, I started to slowly engage in the process of packing up my own home - not so obviously that if my family turned up it would be empty, but simply throwing away irrelevant things, donating others and boxing and labelling everything which I do not need in the next few months to be placed in storage. I do not want to put my family through the pain of having to pack up my possessions because I have seen what they are going through and how it is impacting me. It is a dreadful thing. I just decided that I needed to make my final exit as painless as it can possibly be. Of course, they will be upset, but at least this upset will not be a perpetual open wound. Due to what has happened, I am seriously considering CTB in a place that is not my home - in fact somewhere where I may not be found as my niece found her mother an hour after she died and cannot get the image out of her head of how she found her and what she looked like. It left her suicidal and she has no pre-existing mental health issues. She is trying to dampen her suicide ideation as she has three young children - but still has flashbacks about how she saw her mother.
My sister lived in a house where she had accumulated a lot of things over the years. I am now (in my still present fragmented state of mind) being traumatised on a twice weekly basis by having to travel to her house with my pensioner mother and niece in order to pack up her house. The reason this cannot be done by an independent company is primarily because my niece has to go through all of her things and work out which to put in storage, which to keep, which to throw away and which to donate to charity. We have been to her house about six times in the last three weeks (I do not live near my niece) and spend between 6 to 8 hours each time undertaking this very arduous and painful task - coming across old calendars, diaries, notes, letters, cards, etc. Going into her bedroom with my family to clear out her belongings, see the bed where she died... it made me want to come home and CTB immediately. I have not done so because I need in the short term to be there for my niece to support her. My sister had a long standing autoimmune disease which left her housebound - but this did not actually lead to her death. That was something else - but her daughter has the exact same condition and it has become worse since her mother's death. So - despite struggling and my mental health becoming so bad, I am helping my niece with the clearance of her house and trying to offer emotional and practical support. It is awful - truly, truly awful. I hate going into my sister's house, I hate going into her road. I hate the pain of being there. It is emotionally harming me - and despite having issues (I know you could say well it would cause these sort of emotional issues for me given how I feel anyway) - it is causing pain to my mother and my niece as well and my mother is not suicidal and my niece has no existing mental health issues.
Following my sister's death, I started to slowly engage in the process of packing up my own home - not so obviously that if my family turned up it would be empty, but simply throwing away irrelevant things, donating others and boxing and labelling everything which I do not need in the next few months to be placed in storage. I do not want to put my family through the pain of having to pack up my possessions because I have seen what they are going through and how it is impacting me. It is a dreadful thing. I just decided that I needed to make my final exit as painless as it can possibly be. Of course, they will be upset, but at least this upset will not be a perpetual open wound. Due to what has happened, I am seriously considering CTB in a place that is not my home - in fact somewhere where I may not be found as my niece found her mother an hour after she died and cannot get the image out of her head of how she found her and what she looked like. It left her suicidal and she has no pre-existing mental health issues. She is trying to dampen her suicide ideation as she has three young children - but still has flashbacks about how she saw her mother.
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