Hello everyone! My name is DiceRoller90 (my parents were very creative) and I have been suicidal for years. During this time I have tried to seek help and one big thing that everyone I ever reached out to said to me is something like "That can't be right, you are such a happy kid/man?" and other such classics like "Its obviously just a phase, just wait it out."
Now I am a nihilist. Not in the gloom and doom stereotype from the Big Lebowski (I am old), but I believe that nothing can ever be truly known because we can only understand the world remotely through ourselves. A human being is nothing more than a hacked together, fleshy, computer. Evolution doesn't care (to anthropomorphize a processes) about ensuring we can perfectly understand reality, only that we are lucid enough to know that a Saber Tooth Tiger isn't a pet long enough to have kids.
Due to this belief, I am inherently distrustful of my recollection. My memory is tainted, and the brain selectively recalls things. So in order to make sure I have as much information in front of me as possible I have been writing down my moods throughout the day for going on five years now and it has been... enlightening. First off I learnt that I do truly have good days. Not good as in tolerable, but actual happiness. They are few and far between, but knowing I experienced them and thus have the physical capacity to feel happiness has kept me rolling the dice on tomorrow. I have also learnt that my average mood on a 1-10 scale (1 being physically harming myself, 10 being the best days of my life) that my average mood is a 4.8 (between "Meh" and "So-So") which is a point higher than I thought it would be. I can also graph my moods and see whether my life is getting better or worse. Currently I am on a downhill mathematically (which is why I am here), but funny enough between July-September I was on a uphill with an average mood of 5.3.
Deciding whether to "Catch the Bus" (not a fan of euphemisms, but when in Rome I will act Roman) is the biggest choice anyone can make. Now I cannot speak for everyone here, but I don't like to make a choice unless I have all the information in front of me. Keeping a Mood Journal helps in that regard and I recommend everyone here keeps one too. When we are in the pits its hard to remember ever knowing we saw light.
I use an application called Mood Journal on my phone, but if you want to save the $3, you can always use iNotes on your phone. Mood Journal just lets you do all these cool things like tagging certain triggers like Family, Work, and the lot, and seeing a 1-10 mood score on how each of those make you feel.
Now I am a nihilist. Not in the gloom and doom stereotype from the Big Lebowski (I am old), but I believe that nothing can ever be truly known because we can only understand the world remotely through ourselves. A human being is nothing more than a hacked together, fleshy, computer. Evolution doesn't care (to anthropomorphize a processes) about ensuring we can perfectly understand reality, only that we are lucid enough to know that a Saber Tooth Tiger isn't a pet long enough to have kids.
Due to this belief, I am inherently distrustful of my recollection. My memory is tainted, and the brain selectively recalls things. So in order to make sure I have as much information in front of me as possible I have been writing down my moods throughout the day for going on five years now and it has been... enlightening. First off I learnt that I do truly have good days. Not good as in tolerable, but actual happiness. They are few and far between, but knowing I experienced them and thus have the physical capacity to feel happiness has kept me rolling the dice on tomorrow. I have also learnt that my average mood on a 1-10 scale (1 being physically harming myself, 10 being the best days of my life) that my average mood is a 4.8 (between "Meh" and "So-So") which is a point higher than I thought it would be. I can also graph my moods and see whether my life is getting better or worse. Currently I am on a downhill mathematically (which is why I am here), but funny enough between July-September I was on a uphill with an average mood of 5.3.
Deciding whether to "Catch the Bus" (not a fan of euphemisms, but when in Rome I will act Roman) is the biggest choice anyone can make. Now I cannot speak for everyone here, but I don't like to make a choice unless I have all the information in front of me. Keeping a Mood Journal helps in that regard and I recommend everyone here keeps one too. When we are in the pits its hard to remember ever knowing we saw light.
I use an application called Mood Journal on my phone, but if you want to save the $3, you can always use iNotes on your phone. Mood Journal just lets you do all these cool things like tagging certain triggers like Family, Work, and the lot, and seeing a 1-10 mood score on how each of those make you feel.
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