something is wrong with me

[FakeSmileGuy]

So I just don't know. I really don't know. I wish I was normal, I can have a happy life if I want to, but I never get it, I hurt myself each time I get the chance. I hurt other people. I hurt myself. I don't even know what I am anymore. I don't know. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just don't think I'm normal, why can't I be happy and why can't I do what's good for me ive had a thousand opportunities but I've chosen to hurt myself every time. I've tried to kill myself a few times, I've harmed myself a lot, I like to pass out, to stop breathing until I wake up on the floor, I use a belt sometimes. Earlier today I was having a normal day, it was pretty good and I even did a good thing at work, I went home and relaxed for a while and when I got in the shower I couldn't stop myself from just shaking. I was shaking just because of the agony and hate I feel against myself, I fell to the floor and just shook and felt the water fall on me, and I was fully conscious the whole time, I could stop any time I wanted to. I could stand up, and put up the facade of being okay, but I decided to keep going, I was just raw, and alone and I felt like pure agony and hurt, and it was my fault. I think that's what I feel like all the time, but I just let it out in the shower. I was laughing, like laughing at myself for being so pathetic, I was crying for my family, and I was screaming without letting a sound out. I just couldn't stop twitching. There has to be something wrong with me. I have to be sick or something. This just doesn't make sense. Holy shit, I need to kill myself.

Okay sorry to whoever decides to read this bs i just needed to put it somewhere, and I figured this would be an okay place. I know I don't make any sense. No one has to reply, because what do you even say to this sorry, I'm just venting . Sorry.