Something is really wrong with my brain

[porfin1234]

Hi
I finally did it. Put my self in really bad situation. Any other time I had suicidal ideation was a joke.
I think I am extremely stupid too stupid to live. i was living in my dream home with lake (granted some roommate drama) and at a school I loved so much. Mountains. City had it all. I even said once I couldn't imagine not living there.
Yet I "fell in love" with bigger city nearby and convinced myself I would find more people "like me" artsy hippie blah blah. I not only quit school I love but took a paycut.
I move start school then realize it's way more work than I'm used to. Walk out of class. End up in hospital twice. "It's too much". Quit that job. Find new job in original city at an rough school. Quit it. Ask for job back. Paying two rents. I can not believe how stupid I am. I've realized I've been so delusional and not living in reality all my life. I'm a Child in a woman's body.
I don't want to live anymore.
I wish I were brave and smart enough to do it. Maybe SN. But. I don't know.
I am in utter disbelief of how stupid and irresponsible I am. Stupid. Finally last year I was doing well. Although I got involved with a man I shouldn't have and that was extremely taxing emotionally. I think I wasn't thinking straight becauseof it.
I can't believe what I've done. I loved my old home and school. I feel like someone has died.
now I'm terrified of being alone. Now I want someone to just hold me and tell me it'll be ok.
I'm such a pathetic child.

 

[Moonicide]

Hey, love. I am sorry to hear you're struggling to find your way in life. It doesn't make you stupid that you wanted to branch out and see what life had to offer... We go through so many doors in our lifetime, and sometimes we wish we would have kept a few of them closed. Life is a mess and life can be downright painful, and so cruel. Do you have anything that still brings you joy or keeps you here? The reason I ask is because if you have any what ifs, or feel like it may be possible to get out of the rough spot you're in, then try to wait on ctbing. It will always be available for you, but please give it much thought and do it when you're absolutely ready.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are here for you and we are listening.
Sending you all of my love and support.

 

[porfin1234]

Hey, love. I am sorry to hear you're struggling to find your way in life. It doesn't make you stupid that you wanted to branch out and see what life had to offer... We go through so many doors in our lifetime, and sometimes we wish we would have kept a few of them closed. Life is a mess and life can be downright painful, and so cruel. Do you have anything that still brings you joy or keeps you here? The reason I ask is because if you have any what ifs, or feel like it may be possible to get out of the rough spot you're in, then try to wait on ctbing. It will always be available for you, but please give it much thought and do it when you're absolutely ready.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are here for you and we are listening.
Sending you all of my love and support.

Hello. I meant to thank you for this message!
I appreciate it.

 

[Soul]

How are you, @porfin1234? (((Hug)))

When you mention school ... you're a teacher, yes? What subject?

 

[porfin1234]

I am not great heh.
i teach foreign language
Although I haven't been doing a good job at it

Ive been disassociating from reality and doing and saying things I shouldn't losing it with kids etc
Obsessing over being at my old job
Two kids were excited they'd be moving to my old school... that hurt so bad... that school is much better than the one I ended up at....

I never thought I could hate myself more than I do now. Never. Worst thing I could've done to myself was leave my dream home and school and then go batshit crazy so Iend up with bills and legal trouble.

wanna dig a hole and die in it

thanks for asking haha
how are you?