My mother used to force me to keep the bathroom door open as a child so she could prove I wasn't masturbating, which she was EXTREMELY concerned about. Now I'm stuck in the world's shittiest hotel room with a door that literally does NOT close, with my best friend, torturing her with my issues. This trip was supposed to be fun but all the other hotels are sold out or too expensive. I've considered throwing myself off one of these tall ass buildings. Might still. Idk yet. I know I only have 5 or so months to live and it's just so sad. Because for a while I was getting better. I got a taste of it. But it's never coming back, is it?
The whole point of this trip was to look at places to move to. I need to move. But this city is my only option, and every time I'm here I have some kind of fucking crisis. I know there's nothing I can do about it- I CANNOT be homeless again, I won't live like that again. I'll kill myself first. Only now it's looking like I'm going to have to do it sooner rather than later. There are still things I wanted to do. But I also know I'm not capable of enjoying things, so what's the point? I also don't have any money.
The only other option would be cutting contact with everyone and using the last of my money to buy a shitty RV. Or I could go live in a crack house in some shitty place like Louisiana or something. But idk if I'm going to be able to handle that.
The whole point of this trip was to look at places to move to. I need to move. But this city is my only option, and every time I'm here I have some kind of fucking crisis. I know there's nothing I can do about it- I CANNOT be homeless again, I won't live like that again. I'll kill myself first. Only now it's looking like I'm going to have to do it sooner rather than later. There are still things I wanted to do. But I also know I'm not capable of enjoying things, so what's the point? I also don't have any money.
The only other option would be cutting contact with everyone and using the last of my money to buy a shitty RV. Or I could go live in a crack house in some shitty place like Louisiana or something. But idk if I'm going to be able to handle that.
