Someone called the police on me.

[ella.gracep]

I can't believe this actually happened... I was outside lurking by the train tracks. i did not intend to step in front of the train, i was feeling kinda dissociated and calm and 'given up'. I went outside to collect myself, to get a grip bc i tried to hang myself (partial) just two hours earlier and that was the most horrible thing i have ever been through in my life. at home i was just sitting in the corner in the room crying and hyperventilating and rocking myself as a child would. the rope was still there and i alsmost did it. i don't want to go into it, i just felt it. i felt the passing out and i fought against it, failed, tried again etc pp. i had changed my mind but almost didn't make it out again. in full panic mode i decided to go outside and to just sit on the next free bench in the sun. yes i stood on the platform very still and moved up and back and YES i wanted to. but no train for me. at one point i heard sirens and that pulled me out of my trance and i decided to go home. as i was leaving the area i had seen police walking around on the platform but i srsly didn't think any of it. i kept walking and thought i'd heard footsteps behind me but was like "no" and then the "hey excuse me, pls wait" voice behind me. and then there were two officers in front of me. i'm in germany and young and female and skinny so nothing to fear really. they look at me and see no threat, which is a privilege i have and am grateful for. however i'm scared shit of the police bc we had been in contact (they had to break open my door a year ago and cut me down... cringe). as per protocol they had to call an ambulance and an emergency doctor. someone saw me and called the cops.. and i know how to talk myself out of it BUT there is a very clear mark around my neck from the rope and some blood vessels even burst and there was NO WAY i could talk myself out of that. the whole conversation or rather interrogation i was so so so scared someone would see. this was a fucking big scene. 6 police officers, 3 emt's and a doctor. also with all the squad cars... i am so ashamed but also sad. i wish so much i could have just said how i'm feeling and that i need help, that i'm afraid, that i'm hurt and how helpless und hopeless and alone i am. see, these people were genereally really nice and i wish so much that i could have told them, like just break down, FINALLY break down and tell a human person everything. but i was brushing it off. they were hesistant bc they "know" me (small town), they know that i'm in the outpatient setting of the psych ward, they obvs know about the incident last year. the doctor on call asked me what makes life living for me and i just sat there like ??? i literally almost died two hours earlier in that rope but ehm let me think of something real quick. i litereally said that tomorrow seems good and she wanted to know why. and i said i wanted to go to the gym and for a walk. and she wanted a third nice thing i can do tomorrow and i said reading. i felt like they ACTUALLY cared. i was glad when i was sent home but now i'm just so sad. i pretended that i was fine bc it was just so much pressure in this situation, but now i feel even worse. and guilty for causing this. also afraid that i will have to pay for the costs. i wish i would have been honest. i have no one to talk to and there i had the chance, i COULD HAVE, but i was a ciward. and now i feel like ctb, to finish what i started earlier. and i wonder if these transponders are gonna be the same ones to find me. would it be cringe if i left a note for them thanking them for being so kind and that i was just so afraid but i wished i was brave enough to ask for help?
i'm just so tired

 

[quickandeasy]

Op, I'm so sorry to hear that. Glad the medical personnel were so caring, not a lot of people are, they just make you feel like shit for even attempting. If it's not too personal, may I ask your reason for wanting to do this? If it's something that can be postponed and you can clear your mind regarding it, will you be able to do that?

 

[SomeoneHelpMe]

Hey, I am also from Germany and would love to talk! If thats ok, of course! :)
Having that happen is so scary! I cant even imagine the fear you must have gone through.

 

[ella.gracep]

Op, I'm so sorry to hear that. Glad the medical personnel were so caring, not a lot of people are, they just make you feel like shit for even attempting. If it's not too personal, may I ask your reason for wanting to do this? If it's something that can be postponed and you can clear your mind regarding it, will you be able to do that?

thank you for your kind words. i really am grateful for the way they treated me, hence i was thinking about leaving them a thank you.

the thing is that it is nothing to be postponed. my condition is chronic and treatment doesn't help. i have a range of diagnoses but they can't get treated properly bc they all interfere with each other and then i don't meet the requirements to get treatment for something specific. like for example i was on a wait list for two YEARS to get into an inpatient trauma therapy program. this program happens to be the only one that would take me in. so i tried my best to hold on for two years but another trauma happened and my ed got really bad and my body very sick. due to that they transferred me to another ward in their hospital. the idea was that i get a little fed up and then be able to take my ACTUAL spot that i waited for. well, the ED ward (and thus, the whole place) kicked me out after three weeks bc my trauma symptoms became too severe for them to help with, bc they were an "ed" ward. but trauma ward wouldnt take me. so yeah. i was sent home worse than before and my spot is just gone... puff. and thats the problem with my conditions: everything is so intertwined and mashed up that no one (even i) knows anymore where to start or what else to try. i did several rounds of different medds, had hospital stays, i have therapy twice a week, psychiatrist every other week, i have nutrition counselling. 6 years ago my life went from a dark place to a death place. i haven't been able to work or study since, i lost the few people i met in uni, my body is fucked up, my financials ruined, i live on disability rn which is nottttt a lot at all. and all this time, i've been doing my absolute best to at least prevent my suicide. the goal is to just not get worse rn. and that "right now" means the past 3 years. it's an ongoing crisis. i had to go to the ER so many times that they told me that i should be left to die so i won't come back. the ambulance crew knows my face. the police officer seemed familiar. and i'm ashamed of all of it. i'm 28 years old and had had so many attempts, that i stopped counting. the first attempt i had at five years old. i was used as a child, in many ways that i'm not gonna go into. locked in, starved etc, you name it. my base is completely fucked. i don't know how ANY therapy can fix it. no one can. i try so hard. so so hard. i force myself to get up every day, eat breakfast, write, go outside, read a little, go to the gym, do some gratitude work, go to therapy, take my meds, talk to my therapist but... at this point i feel like he is waiting for me to just do it. it must be so exhausting for him to work with me, and it IS. working with someone who is so suicidal and has to get treated for self inflicted injurys or broken into their house to be cut down or this today... it's exhausting. i started to wonder if he might actually want me to die, but just so that i can find peace or whatever. he knows that i have planned everything. hell, my psych adviced me to sign up for medically assisted suicide and she will put the paperwork in. lol.

so... i don't know if it makes sense when i say that i wish something acute is the cause bc then you can do something about something specific. but this way its just .... EVERXTHING. life is so not worht living and i am tired, i am so tired. i tried my best, really. i never gave up and still, it all gets worse

 

[ella.gracep]

Hey, I am also from Germany and would love to talk! If thats ok, of course! :)
Having that happen is so scary! I cant even imagine the fear you must have gone through.

hi! thanks for your reply. this is my first post here and didn't really think anyone would reply. if you're curious, read my reply to the other comment.

i just have so many issues from years and years and years that i can't start anywhere. rn i'm sitting here, had some microwave popcorn, my diary is next to me in which i apologise to the police (they'll read it). my phone is charged, i put my hair in a bun and am just "chilling" before i might just go outside tonight and hang myself on the one specific tree. what happened today was inside my appartemtn and this place is horrible for me, many bad things happened here. i kinda hope that i'm more likely to suffer less, when outside? i don't know. since you're also german you know it's almost dark.
i honestly don't want to go through this again, that felt so horrible, emotionally more than physically. i just don't know ANYTHING to lessen the pain. and also... if i make it through the night, what then? it's all gonna be the same tomorrow. i just want a hug

 

[Spit On My Grave]

Who called the police on you and why?

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I can't believe this actually happened... I was outside lurking by the train tracks. i did not intend to step in front of the train, i was feeling kinda dissociated and calm and 'given up'. I went outside to collect myself, to get a grip bc i tried to hang myself (partial) just two hours earlier and that was the most horrible thing i have ever been through in my life. at home i was just sitting in the corner in the room crying and hyperventilating and rocking myself as a child would. the rope was still there and i alsmost did it. i don't want to go into it, i just felt it. i felt the passing out and i fought against it, failed, tried again etc pp. i had changed my mind but almost didn't make it out again. in full panic mode i decided to go outside and to just sit on the next free bench in the sun. yes i stood on the platform very still and moved up and back and YES i wanted to. but no train for me. at one point i heard sirens and that pulled me out of my trance and i decided to go home. as i was leaving the area i had seen police walking around on the platform but i srsly didn't think any of it. i kept walking and thought i'd heard footsteps behind me but was like "no" and then the "hey excuse me, pls wait" voice behind me. and then there were two officers in front of me. i'm in germany and young and female and skinny so nothing to fear really. they look at me and see no threat, which is a privilege i have and am grateful for. however i'm scared shit of the police bc we had been in contact (they had to break open my door a year ago and cut me down... cringe). as per protocol they had to call an ambulance and an emergency doctor. someone saw me and called the cops.. and i know how to talk myself out of it BUT there is a very clear mark around my neck from the rope and some blood vessels even burst and there was NO WAY i could talk myself out of that. the whole conversation or rather interrogation i was so so so scared someone would see. this was a fucking big scene. 6 police officers, 3 emt's and a doctor. also with all the squad cars... i am so ashamed but also sad. i wish so much i could have just said how i'm feeling and that i need help, that i'm afraid, that i'm hurt and how helpless und hopeless and alone i am. see, these people were genereally really nice and i wish so much that i could have told them, like just break down, FINALLY break down and tell a human person everything. but i was brushing it off. they were hesistant bc they "know" me (small town), they know that i'm in the outpatient setting of the psych ward, they obvs know about the incident last year. the doctor on call asked me what makes life living for me and i just sat there like ??? i literally almost died two hours earlier in that rope but ehm let me think of something real quick. i litereally said that tomorrow seems good and she wanted to know why. and i said i wanted to go to the gym and for a walk. and she wanted a third nice thing i can do tomorrow and i said reading. i felt like they ACTUALLY cared. i was glad when i was sent home but now i'm just so sad. i pretended that i was fine bc it was just so much pressure in this situation, but now i feel even worse. and guilty for causing this. also afraid that i will have to pay for the costs. i wish i would have been honest. i have no one to talk to and there i had the chance, i COULD HAVE, but i was a ciward. and now i feel like ctb, to finish what i started earlier. and i wonder if these transponders are gonna be the same ones to find me. would it be cringe if i left a note for them thanking them for being so kind and that i was just so afraid but i wished i was brave enough to ask for help?
i'm just so tired

Hi, I can somewhat relate, I also had a few episodes of some asshole calling the authorities on me (I am the asshole, well kinda, cause I only called the prevention line to talk and they decided to call them without my knowledge). Difference is I am a big ass dude so they sent extra cops, I even told them I am not a threat and they assured me that it is just protocol. Likewise, the EMT and the cops were super nice and chill, especially the EMT lady was very caring and I also really wanted to talk to her and open up, I even did to a small extent but not fully. I am also in a small town so yeah.

I also regret not opening up but there is just this damn feeling inside me that won't let me open up, I can't even say what it is, its just instinct. I would tell you that it would be a good idea for you to open up to them if you want to but I am the last person to say that to anyone.

Also I think leaving them a note would be pretty sweet and they would appreciate it, public employees don't get much appreciation.

It is not fair to experience the pain you are experiencing and I wish it would have been different for all of us, I hope it gets better.

 

[ella.gracep]

Hi, I can somewhat relate, I also had a few episodes of some asshole calling the authorities on me (I am the asshole, well kinda, cause I only called the prevention line to talk and they decided to call them without my knowledge). Difference is I am a big ass dude so they sent extra cops, I even told them I am not a threat and they assured me that it is just protocol. Likewise, the EMT and the cops were super nice and chill, especially the EMT lady was very caring and I also really wanted to talk to her and open up, I even did to a small extent but not fully. I am also in a small town so yeah.

I also regret not opening up but there is just this damn feeling inside me that won't let me open up, I can't even say what it is, its just instinct. I would tell you that it would be a good idea for you to open up to them if you want to but I am the last person to say that to anyone.

Also I think leaving them a note would be pretty sweet and they would appreciate it, public employees don't get much appreciation.

It is not fair to experience the pain you are experiencing and I wish it would have been different for all of us, I hope it gets better.

Nice of you to say this and also kinda glad you can relate to a situation like mine today. I'm still kinda spooked. I feel so guilty and ashamed that now I feel even more pressured to do it. What's wrong with me ahhhh

Did it get better for you? What happened after the situation you had with the authorities?

Who called the police on you and why?

I don't know who called but it must have been some person waiting in the train station seeing me, even tho I was on the very very far end, where the platform ends. So idk who could have seen me there? The train station was mostly empty anyways, small town, Sunday afternoon.

And they called bc I guess they were worried I was gonna step in front of a train

 

[Phobia_DLW]

Nice of you to say this and also kinda glad you can relate to a situation like mine today. I'm still kinda spooked. I feel so guilty and ashamed that now I feel even more pressured to do it. What's wrong with me ahhhh

Did it get better for you? What happened after the situation you had with the authorities?

I don't know who called but it must have been some person waiting in the train station seeing me, even tho I was on the very very far end, where the platform ends. So idk who could have seen me there? The train station was mostly empty anyways, small town, Sunday afternoon.

And they called bc I guess they were worried I was gonna step in front of a train

Could the pressure be due to the "genie being out the bottle" and, well, feeling like it is inevitable so might as well get it done with ASAP?

Nah, I wish it would have gotten better but I am deeply hurt and struggle with my own past so much, I am not sure if it can get better tbh.

Basically what happened was I had to see a psychiatrist, I lied about how I feel and convinced her I was fine and was let go.

Do you see yourself attempting again?

 

[Forveleth]

I really wish cities/countries would set up mental health teams to respond to situations like this instead of the police. I always think how much better things would go if you were not being approached by the same people who haul away murders and shoot people. It creates such an intimidating atmosphere.

I am sorry OP. That sounds like a very not helpful situation.

 

[ella.gracep]

Could the pressure be due to the "genie being out the bottle" and, well, feeling like it is inevitable so might as well get it done with ASAP?

Nah, I wish it would have gotten better but I am deeply hurt and struggle with my own past so much, I am not sure if it can get better tbh.

Basically what happened was I had to see a psychiatrist, I lied about how I feel and convinced her I was fine and was let go.

Do you see yourself attempting again?

I'm in treatment but for the past at least 5 months I have not felt like being taken seriously. I was being told " but you're still alive tho. If you really wanted to die, you'd be dead by now."
That's just one example. Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I told her about my preparations, like the letters I wrote, that I cleaned out my entire attic and appartment, written down all my passwords and where I want to be buried for my family etc. I told my psych that. A doctor. You know what she said? She was still in her cheerful mood and recommended me to sign myself up for medically assisted death and that she'll set up a paper I can send in with my application. Like wtf?
These people there in the outpatient hospital, they do not take me srsly. And that kills me. Might sound dramatic but suffering is one thing. Suffering in silence is another thing but I used to be someone who speaks up in therapy. I do a lot of self reflection and can articulate myself clearly (English is not my first language, so might not seem like it here lol). But even if I share things like I just said.. it's worth NOTHING. Not only do I feel ignored in my suffering, I feel humiliated in a way and I feel pushed to suicide. Someone told me "you're one of the people who make the world a worse place, just kill yourself already"

I've been invalidated so much in my "suicidal pain", that u have issues believing myself that it's true. Sometimes I feel like I have to take my own life to prove to myself that I Didn't make it all up. I mean I know I don't but if you're being treated like you are, at some point you might start doubting yourself.

I written a letter to my therapist and therefore also to the outpatient Clinic there. He will get it when I'm dead. It states that I took my life bc I can't take it anymore feeling so humiliated and that I don't understand why they didn't believe me when I expressed suicidal thoughts? But I also asked him for the favor to believe my words now.
I'm supposed to have an appointment there Tuesday morning and I truly hope that I'll be dead by then. And now with the police incident, yes I feel even more pressured. But yeah in general I feel driven to do it.
It's almost 1am where I live (Berlin Time Zone) and I considering going out in the forest to hang myself there tonight but am afraid that it's too Late already. There's a bank holiday here tmr (Monday) so people are probably out drinking and might stumble by to take a shortcut home.
I still have to get to the spot with my bike, which I will have to push for a fair bit. I will need 2h at least and then it's 3am.. I don't wanna risk being interrupted

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I'm in treatment but for the past at least 5 months I have not felt like being taken seriously. I was being told " but you're still alive tho. If you really wanted to die, you'd be dead by now."
That's just one example. Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I told her about my preparations, like the letters I wrote, that I cleaned out my entire attic and appartment, written down all my passwords and where I want to be buried for my family etc. I told my psych that. A doctor. You know what she said? She was still in her cheerful mood and recommended me to sign myself up for medically assisted death and that she'll set up a paper I can send in with my application. Like wtf?
These people there in the outpatient hospital, they do not take me srsly. And that kills me. Might sound dramatic but suffering is one thing. Suffering in silence is another thing but I used to be someone who speaks up in therapy. I do a lot of self reflection and can articulate myself clearly (English is not my first language, so might not seem like it here lol). But even if I share things like I just said.. it's worth NOTHING. Not only do I feel ignored in my suffering, I feel humiliated in a way and I feel pushed to suicide. Someone told me "you're one of the people who make the world a worse place, just kill yourself already"

I've been invalidated so much in my "suicidal pain", that u have issues believing myself that it's true. Sometimes I feel like I have to take my own life to prove to myself that I Didn't make it all up. I mean I know I don't but if you're being treated like you are, at some point you might start doubting yourself.

I written a letter to my therapist and therefore also to the outpatient Clinic there. He will get it when I'm dead. It states that I took my life bc I can't take it anymore feeling so humiliated and that I don't understand why they didn't believe me when I expressed suicidal thoughts? But I also asked him for the favor to believe my words now.
I'm supposed to have an appointment there Tuesday morning and I truly hope that I'll be dead by then. And now with the police incident, yes I feel even more pressured. But yeah in general I feel driven to do it.
It's almost 1am where I live (Berlin Time Zone) and I considering going out in the forest to hang myself there tonight but am afraid that it's too Late already. There's a bank holiday here tmr (Monday) so people are probably out drinking and might stumble by to take a shortcut home.
I still have to get to the spot with my bike, which I will have to push for a fair bit. I will need 2h at least and then it's 3am.. I don't wanna risk being interrupted

This reminds of of this one nurse who was a total dickhead when I was taken to a hospital, he was being really weird towards me so I asked him "it seems like you don't like me being here" and he replied with "Yea I don't like drunk people showing up here"...I wasn't there cause I was drunk you asshole...Do these people not receieve adequate training??

It must be worse in your case since it wasn't a nurse but a psychiatrist who told you that. Sorry about that mate, you (and all of us) deserve better.

It takes so much guts and courage to talk about these things and for it to simply get dismissed is awful. Silence is my only friend nowadays haha.

If it makes any difference, you are not making the world a worse place for me (and I am sure for everyone else here).

I wonder if the invalidation is some sort of sick twisted tactic that they use and think works?

Regarding your letter, is it to simply prove a point? If so, how effective would that be?

If you are not sure about CTB, I would ask you not to do it, it is also late here, 12:21 AM currently.

Do you think a different MH team might be useful? Or is it just simply too late?

Also, if I may ask, what is pushing you towards CTB?

 

[ella.gracep]

This reminds of of this one nurse who was a total dickhead when I was taken to a hospital, he was being really weird towards me so I asked him "it seems like you don't like me being here" and he replied with "Yea I don't like drunk people showing up here"...I wasn't there cause I was drunk you asshole...Do these people not receieve adequate training??

It must be worse in your case since it wasn't a nurse but a psychiatrist who told you that. Sorry about that mate, you (and all of us) deserve better.

It takes so much guts and courage to talk about these things and for it to simply get dismissed is awful. Silence is my only friend nowadays haha.

If it makes any difference, you are not making the world a worse place for me (and I am sure for everyone else here).

I wonder if the invalidation is some sort of sick twisted tactic that they use and think works?

Regarding your letter, is it to simply prove a point? If so, how effective would that be?

If you are not sure about CTB, I would ask you not to do it, it is also late here, 12:21 AM currently.

Do you think a different MH team might be useful? Or is it just simply too late?

Also, if I may ask, what is pushing you towards CTB?

why is everyone so nice here? seriously, thank you. you guys make me feel less alone <3

i sometimes think that some staff knows that they're legally pretty safe if something happens and they see "people like us" like punchbags or something. the nurse in the psych hospital talked about me once when i was waiting in the hallway right out front. she specifically told me to sit there so she KNEW i was listening when she said "she should be left to die, so she wont come back here." and guess what... i never went back there. i feel so ashamed and unwanted, like everywhere. i'm even a burden for the people that are literally being paid to deal with me. i'm sorry you had an experience like this as well. i generally don't understand why ANYONE would say things like these BUT in a WARD???? as if they have so much anger and hatred and whatnot inside them and prob makes them feel better to hurt people with it.

about the letter: i explained that the way they treated me during all this time i just wanted help made me feel so ashamed, isolated and humiliated. i tried to explain how much this hurt me. my therapist was someone i really trusted and that took a lot for me to do, we worked together over 4.5 years. that he made me feel so worthless does feel kinda personal. bc he knows me. he is no stranger and if there is one person who should believe my words, it would be him and he used to do it! my pain is one thing that is unbearable to handle. but that's why i was reaching out and the rejection and shame makes a joke out of my pain and THAT hurts even more.
I know what death would mean. This is nothing impulsive. I know that i will never be able to go outside again, i will never wake up again or experience summer. but mostly, i KNOW that i will never experience it if things somehow DID get better sometime, even tho i can't imagine it now. And part of me is sad about me dying, i'm scared of it, i know what it will feel like. It will never get better once i'm gone BUT i also will never get better if i stay bc of the situation in this system. I need help and i tried everything i could to help myself and reach out. i did my best to stay. so it is "pick your poison". and i have thought about it for a longer time and the pain of experiencing this situation and this treatment of me as a PERSON is bigger than my fear to leave. I explained that in the letter and i said that i feel pushed into suicide the way they went with me. also, i know that i will never get my answer but i asked him why. why he was so different towards me when he was always the one to believe me. i ended the letter with saying that i don't hate him, that i'm sure there must be a reason for his behavior but it hurt me nevertheless and i asked him for a favor. i said that i didn't do it to prove something, my life is too precious for that and also i would be dead anyways???. but that i did it bc i can't deal with the pain of the way i was dealt with anymore and asked him to at least now believe me. that THAT alone would make my death worth it. and yeah... to maybe believe the next person.

i will be dead and i don't know if anyone there is like "oh shit, she was actually for real". i want to ctb bc my pain is so complex, nothing has ever helped in years of treatment and my own efforts and the hopelessness and isolation is too much. i do need help from the outside to get through this but yeah, that's not happening. there is NO indication, no reason why anything might even improve just the tiniest little bit if it hasn't by now. i'm tired. i suffered enough. and i do know that no one cares about me. i know that it will be days bf someone finds me and only the smell is giving me away. i don't have friends or family. i don't know anyone in this city anymore.
my family gets a letter to and i know i'm the disappointment for the family (they make sure i'll never forget). and in that i only apologize, tell them about my preparations, where my money is, where i want to be buried, that i want a headstone not a cross and to PLEASE let me rest in peace and not talk shit about me. just cross out that i ever existed, but PLS don't go around calling me ungrateful, weak etc.
that's all i want from the people: someone who believes me and people not calling me weak.

and no, i didn't go out last night. it's midday now and as badly as i want to die outside and not rot in this crappy apartment, i'm a little afraid someone might interrupt me outside.

man, i'm so fucking sad :)
i got up this morning after 3 hours of sleep, took a very long shower, put on fresh clothes, ate my breakfast, sat outside for 10 min and went to the gym, even did some smalltalk with one guy there. and like ... i still have the mark on my neck and i wonder why it looks like this? it's not a mark from the rope but it looks like the little bruise you can get after getting blood drawn, does that make sense? but why? does anyone know?
but funny how you never know whats going on in someones head. i swear to you, no one i do smalltalk with would EVER believe this. i make my funny comments, i look people in the eyes, i laugh and i go back to my exercise prob seeming like i'm comfortable in general. i'm 28f and look younger, my style is kinda "office vibes" or i just keep my workout clothes on lol. no one in that gym would ever look at that mark on my neck and think anything of it. isn't that weird? like how SO MANY people seem fine but just suffer on the inside? i makes me so sad.
oh and.. i did all this stuff this AM hoping i would feel a little better or change my mind but i'm just so set on trying again. idk

 

[Phobia_DLW]

why is everyone so nice here? seriously, thank you. you guys make me feel less alone <3

i sometimes think that some staff knows that they're legally pretty safe if something happens and they see "people like us" like punchbags or something. the nurse in the psych hospital talked about me once when i was waiting in the hallway right out front. she specifically told me to sit there so she KNEW i was listening when she said "she should be left to die, so she wont come back here." and guess what... i never went back there. i feel so ashamed and unwanted, like everywhere. i'm even a burden for the people that are literally being paid to deal with me. i'm sorry you had an experience like this as well. i generally don't understand why ANYONE would say things like these BUT in a WARD???? as if they have so much anger and hatred and whatnot inside them and prob makes them feel better to hurt people with it.

about the letter: i explained that the way they treated me during all this time i just wanted help made me feel so ashamed, isolated and humiliated. i tried to explain how much this hurt me. my therapist was someone i really trusted and that took a lot for me to do, we worked together over 4.5 years. that he made me feel so worthless does feel kinda personal. bc he knows me. he is no stranger and if there is one person who should believe my words, it would be him and he used to do it! my pain is one thing that is unbearable to handle. but that's why i was reaching out and the rejection and shame makes a joke out of my pain and THAT hurts even more.
I know what death would mean. This is nothing impulsive. I know that i will never be able to go outside again, i will never wake up again or experience summer. but mostly, i KNOW that i will never experience it if things somehow DID get better sometime, even tho i can't imagine it now. And part of me is sad about me dying, i'm scared of it, i know what it will feel like. It will never get better once i'm gone BUT i also will never get better if i stay bc of the situation in this system. I need help and i tried everything i could to help myself and reach out. i did my best to stay. so it is "pick your poison". and i have thought about it for a longer time and the pain of experiencing this situation and this treatment of me as a PERSON is bigger than my fear to leave. I explained that in the letter and i said that i feel pushed into suicide the way they went with me. also, i know that i will never get my answer but i asked him why. why he was so different towards me when he was always the one to believe me. i ended the letter with saying that i don't hate him, that i'm sure there must be a reason for his behavior but it hurt me nevertheless and i asked him for a favor. i said that i didn't do it to prove something, my life is too precious for that and also i would be dead anyways???. but that i did it bc i can't deal with the pain of the way i was dealt with anymore and asked him to at least now believe me. that THAT alone would make my death worth it. and yeah... to maybe believe the next person.

i will be dead and i don't know if anyone there is like "oh shit, she was actually for real". i want to ctb bc my pain is so complex, nothing has ever helped in years of treatment and my own efforts and the hopelessness and isolation is too much. i do need help from the outside to get through this but yeah, that's not happening. there is NO indication, no reason why anything might even improve just the tiniest little bit if it hasn't by now. i'm tired. i suffered enough. and i do know that no one cares about me. i know that it will be days bf someone finds me and only the smell is giving me away. i don't have friends or family. i don't know anyone in this city anymore.
my family gets a letter to and i know i'm the disappointment for the family (they make sure i'll never forget). and in that i only apologize, tell them about my preparations, where my money is, where i want to be buried, that i want a headstone not a cross and to PLEASE let me rest in peace and not talk shit about me. just cross out that i ever existed, but PLS don't go around calling me ungrateful, weak etc.
that's all i want from the people: someone who believes me and people not calling me weak.

and no, i didn't go out last night. it's midday now and as badly as i want to die outside and not rot in this crappy apartment, i'm a little afraid someone might interrupt me outside.

man, i'm so fucking sad :)
i got up this morning after 3 hours of sleep, took a very long shower, put on fresh clothes, ate my breakfast, sat outside for 10 min and went to the gym, even did some smalltalk with one guy there. and like ... i still have the mark on my neck and i wonder why it looks like this? it's not a mark from the rope but it looks like the little bruise you can get after getting blood drawn, does that make sense? but why? does anyone know?
but funny how you never know whats going on in someones head. i swear to you, no one i do smalltalk with would EVER believe this. i make my funny comments, i look people in the eyes, i laugh and i go back to my exercise prob seeming like i'm comfortable in general. i'm 28f and look younger, my style is kinda "office vibes" or i just keep my workout clothes on lol. no one in that gym would ever look at that mark on my neck and think anything of it. isn't that weird? like how SO MANY people seem fine but just suffer on the inside? i makes me so sad.
oh and.. i did all this stuff this AM hoping i would feel a little better or change my mind but i'm just so set on trying again. idk

That is a pretty awful nurse who should be changing careers…and more importantly change the person she is.

Whoa…trusting someone for 4.5 years with your most intimate torturous thoughts, someone who is supposed to be a professional and he ends up doing that? Wtf?

I am also scared and very sad to find myself in the state that I am. But like you said, life feels unbearable and the future feels hopeless. I personally don't even ask why someone hurt me, I did it once and regret asking it cause the person gave me a bullshit answer so nowadays I just cut contact. It's not that I don't want to know, it's that I don't want a disappointing answer that's just gonna make me feel worse.

Its really kind of you to not want that to happen to anyone else and try to be the reason that maybe it won't happen again.

Do you find some kind of a weird comfort in isolation? I know it sucks but I've been isolating myself for so long that there is a strange level of comfort in it.

The exhaustion and being tired is the worst part, because deep inside I have always had some level of hope but disappointment after disappointment combined with a terrible childhood that I am only now starting to process (which makes me even more sad) just kills that hope and it sucks.

Are you leaving things for your family even though it seems like they treat you poorly? That's pretty kind.

You're also not a fan of religion huh?

I don't think being able to withstand 28 years of inner demons and fighting to this day is weak, rather the opposite.

Yea I find myself in the same situation, no one would even guess this about me…well…what is the point of saying anything or showing any signs? More negative judgement? More bullshit? Being treated like a weirdo or an outcast?

Well, when the negative emotions are and have been overwhelming for so long, what can one day even change?

 

[ella.gracep]

That is a pretty awful nurse who should be changing careers…and more importantly change the person she is.

Whoa…trusting someone for 4.5 years with your most intimate torturous thoughts, someone who is supposed to be a professional and he ends up doing that? Wtf?

I am also scared and very sad to find myself in the state that I am. But like you said, life feels unbearable and the future feels hopeless. I personally don't even ask why someone hurt me, I did it once and regret asking it cause the person gave me a bullshit answer so nowadays I just cut contact. It's not that I don't want to know, it's that I don't want a disappointing answer that's just gonna make me feel worse.

Its really kind of you to not want that to happen to anyone else and try to be the reason that maybe it won't happen again.

Do you find some kind of a weird comfort in isolation? I know it sucks but I've been isolating myself for so long that there is a strange level of comfort in it.

The exhaustion and being tired is the worst part, because deep inside I have always had some level of hope but disappointment after disappointment combined with a terrible childhood that I am only now starting to process (which makes me even more sad) just kills that hope and it sucks.

Are you leaving things for your family even though it seems like they treat you poorly? That's pretty kind.

You're also not a fan of religion huh?

I don't think being able to withstand 28 years of inner demons and fighting to this day is weak, rather the opposite.

Yea I find myself in the same situation, no one would even guess this about me…well…what is the point of saying anything or showing any signs? More negative judgement? More bullshit? Being treated like a weirdo or an outcast?

Well, when the negative emotions are and have been overwhelming for so long, what can one day even change?

Isolation.. I don't find comfort in it. But I've experienced so many times that no one understands me or just hurts me and I never felt connected to someone. I feel so alone, that it hurts. At this point I can't even think about what it might be like to not be alone/isolated. I wonder what it's like to just talk to someone or have someone listen.

What about you?

 

[serenitydream]

It's not your fault for the failures of the "support" systems. If they think you're "too complicated" to be able to help or wish you to just die so they don't have to be "inconvenienced" or "exhausted" by your existence or suggest you to have assisted suicide because they can't be bothered enough and decide to give up on you, it's a reflection of a cold society void of love. You seem like a kind and lovely person and I wish the world was different for you. I wish you didn't experience such loneliness.

I imagine what the world would be like if people cared enough to truly do anything to save someone or at least be there for them throughout their pain no matter what, never giving up on them out of love. Instead caring for someone in need is seen as a job, something to clock out of literally and emotionally, feeling "exhausted" or giving up if someone needs support beyond the artificial and rudimentary limits of the system. I've had similar experiences so I think I understand to some level, and I've given up on trusting or relying on any system. But what hurt me most was the emptiness of everyone I encountered and the feeling of ultimate loneliness it gave me; why does someone need to be paid to care for me or help me in the first place? Why even then, is there a limit or a point at which they can't care for or love us enough as people to not give up on us or do anything they can (as a person beyond a "professional") to help us?

 

[Phobia_DLW]

Isolation.. I don't find comfort in it. But I've experienced so many times that no one understands me or just hurts me and I never felt connected to someone. I feel so alone, that it hurts. At this point I can't even think about what it might be like to not be alone/isolated. I wonder what it's like to just talk to someone or have someone listen.

What about you?

Comfort was not the correct word to use there, I guess what i meant to say was that it is my brain trying to find a "silver lining" in isolation, at least with isolation I don't feel like I am going to be judged, looked down on, hurt or simply not understood and dismissed. When it comes to the matter of this deep profound sadness that I feel and being hurt over past events, I have never felt understood or connected to anyone. I grew up in a broken home while everyone around me had the family I wish I had, I used to be so jealous and angry about this and just bottled up all my emotions. After 29 years of no one around me having experienced anything even remotely similar to what I experienced, I also cant imagine what it would be like to not be alone in my experience. Even after opening up years ago to a friend of mine about my past, and even though he was trying his best to be supportive, I felt and he confirmed that he simply cant understand it as he never had experienced it so yea I also wonder what it would be like if someone can truly understand me.

Btw, did you attend your appointment today? If so, how did it go?

 

[ella.gracep]

It's not your fault for the failures of the "support" systems. If they think you're "too complicated" to be able to help or wish you to just die so they don't have to be "inconvenienced" or "exhausted" by your existence or suggest you to have assisted suicide because they can't be bothered enough and decide to give up on you, it's a reflection of a cold society void of love. You seem like a kind and lovely person and I wish the world was different for you. I wish you didn't experience such loneliness.

I imagine what the world would be like if people cared enough to truly do anything to save someone or at least be there for them throughout their pain no matter what, never giving up on them out of love. Instead caring for someone in need is seen as a job, something to clock out of literally and emotionally, feeling "exhausted" or giving up if someone needs support beyond the artificial and rudimentary limits of the system. I've had similar experiences so I think I understand to some level, and I've given up on trusting or relying on any system. But what hurt me most was the emptiness of everyone I encountered and the feeling of ultimate loneliness it gave me; why does someone need to be paid to care for me or help me in the first place? Why even then, is there a limit or a point at which they can't care for or love us enough as people to not give up on us or do anything they can (as a person beyond a "professional") to help us?

thanks for your kind words and i'm sorry you can relate.

your last two sentences really get to me... i never thought about it like this. that there have to be people to be paid to help. it's sad but then again, mental illnesses can be very complex and the average joe has no idea what to do or say and a professional is distanced enough to be more rational about what's going on in your hand and granted this person has some expertise, can guide you a little.


i just wish that professionals would be allowed to be more emotionally involved. let's just say you have a client that you genuinely like a lot, why can't you befriend that person? why are you not allowed to make this relationship more two sided?
i don't know if it's true but in media i came across therapists that do in-home therapy? like the clients go to their house and i'm ????
i'm from germany and our general etiquette is that you use the last name to address strangers, but if i naturally, accidentally, use the informal pronoun in therapy, with someone who is NOT a stranger, i apologize bc it is seen as overstepping a boundary.

Comfort was not the correct word to use there, I guess what i meant to say was that it is my brain trying to find a "silver lining" in isolation, at least with isolation I don't feel like I am going to be judged, looked down on, hurt or simply not understood and dismissed. When it comes to the matter of this deep profound sadness that I feel and being hurt over past events, I have never felt understood or connected to anyone. I grew up in a broken home while everyone around me had the family I wish I had, I used to be so jealous and angry about this and just bottled up all my emotions. After 29 years of no one around me having experienced anything even remotely similar to what I experienced, I also cant imagine what it would be like to not be alone in my experience. Even after opening up years ago to a friend of mine about my past, and even though he was trying his best to be supportive, I felt and he confirmed that he simply cant understand it as he never had experienced it so yea I also wonder what it would be like if someone can truly understand me.

Btw, did you attend your appointment today? If so, how did it go?

wow. i had the EXACT same thoughts yesterday when i was at the park trying to enjoy nature (without reading your comment!) and hence i did talk about this in therapy today. i saw people on the lawn, sitting with friends i suppose? they were talking and showing emotions like joy? they laughed and listened to each other and nodded or just seemed serious. i mostly wondered what they talked about? when your mental state took everything from you, what do you talk to normal people about? i wouldn'z know. do they talk about work? about a show they watched? gossip they've heard? what they did on the weekend?
a year ago i signed up at uni again but like a "sit in", so no exams for me and not officially a student. i wanted to try if i felt like i could officially go back to finish my degree. (nope, i managed three weeks lol). in this swedish language learning class we were supposed to talk about our weekend, like what we did, what we ate, our hobbies etc. just to practice speaking. and i just had to make up things. i couldn't really share any "suicidal activity" (NO BRAINERS), that i didn't eat but just walked around to burn calories and do my obsesdsive eating disorder behaviours or banged my head against the wall and then was just laying in a dark room the next day bc of the headache. i mean, come on??? others were sharing things like going out with friends, driving home to see family, going out for dinner, ordering pizza, sleeping, relaxing, being in the park etc. it baffled me, like srsly. i CANNOT imagine a life like that? like... you just ... EAT? just like that? you call friends or make plans and you sit in the park? back to the park ... WHAT DO YOU TALK ABOUT???

i also saw a dad with his young daughter and at first it made me smile bc this little girl (maybe 3?) would just climb up the stairs to use the slide and her face was pure joy when she arrived at the ground after sliding. she got up and ran to the stairs to repeat this. like four, five times. and the dad was watching her and he seemed really happy seeing her. and then i wonder... what is it like to be able to have your own family... it requires a partner (which well... requires to have social contact- where do you get people from?), requires connection (ideally with love? LOVE?? COME ON NOW), ideally financial means and a big enough flat to raise a child. it requires you to live.

i went to the park to feel better but after like 15 mins i started crying and left. it makes me so sad. i can relate to you so much. i'm so used to being isolated (i mean ISOLATED, i don't have any contact to people except well here and my therapist and cashiers lol) and thus a deep, deep loneliness, that i simply cannot imagine anything different. and i wonder ... if i had the chance to switch places with one of these people on the lawn for one day, would i do it? i think i wouldn't honeslty. i'm afraid that it makes the contrast to my life even worse. rationally i know that this will never change if i don't FIND people, but i can't relate to anyone, just like you said. i never had positive experiences. see, i'm autistic and social interactions are very hard for me. they ususally involve a lot of conflicts (unwantingly) or me feeling shit bc well... i'm once again reminded that i'm an alien. the nicest thing someone has ever said to me and that i see as a compliment is "i really hated you in the beginning but you're actually not that bad" - that was at school, after three years with this person as my friend. i told my therapist about this compliment and he looked at me and said this is really horrible, like someone saying this but also that THIS is the nicest thing and the most positive experience i have had. idk. made me think.

i don't even know if i would want to have friends bc of everything that happened and my social problems - well have a social phobia on top, sigh... also, i think i would need someone who can relate to mental illness, bc i can't with people that make you feel even worse when you have to leave early or you... welll... seem sad. "just cheer up! life is beautiful!" - goodbye :)

how about you?

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I'm so sorry this happened to you... Being stopped by a horde of cops, medics and an ambulance would definitely make me stressed beyond any recognition. Your stress/panic must've been so high it's understandable you would freeze and try to walk out of there, but I understand how you feel and I feel sorry. Sending hugs

 

[serenitydream]

thanks for your kind words and i'm sorry you can relate.

your last two sentences really get to me... i never thought about it like this. that there have to be people to be paid to help. it's sad but then again, mental illnesses can be very complex and the average joe has no idea what to do or say and a professional is distanced enough to be more rational about what's going on in your hand and granted this person has some expertise, can guide you a little.


i just wish that professionals would be allowed to be more emotionally involved. let's just say you have a client that you genuinely like a lot, why can't you befriend that person? why are you not allowed to make this relationship more two sided?
i don't know if it's true but in media i came across therapists that do in-home therapy? like the clients go to their house and i'm ????
i'm from germany and our general etiquette is that you use the last name to address strangers, but if i naturally, accidentally, use the informal pronoun in therapy, with someone who is NOT a stranger, i apologize bc it is seen as overstepping a boundary.

You're welcome. <3 I'm sorry for you too, I feel like I relate to so much you say.

I wish it was like that too. It's why I gave up on the system because it's deeply confusing and difficult for me to interact in such a dynamic. And even when I was putting so much effort into trying anyway, none of the professionals cared deeply enough to put in the same or more effort to figure out how to help me through my complexities and communication difficulties. Really they all seemed to care less as time went on; after multiple sessions of her not knowing what to do with me, one therapist told me directly that there's no point for me to keep coming, no recommendations or referral to someone else or anything.

I've never heard of in-home therapy before. That seems strange and aligns with a thought I've had that it seems like so many therapists even directly blur the lines of that distanced professionalism limit themselves or at least set an environment right on the edge of it, but then you naturally do something like not referring to them with their last name then your overstepping the boundary...

 

[ella.gracep]

You're welcome. <3 I'm sorry for you too, I feel like I relate to so much you say.

I wish it was like that too. It's why I gave up on the system because it's deeply confusing and difficult for me to interact in such a dynamic. And even when I was putting so much effort into trying anyway, none of the professionals cared deeply enough to put in the same or more effort to figure out how to help me through my complexities and communication difficulties. Really they all seemed to care less as time went on; after multiple sessions of her not knowing what to do with me, one therapist told me directly that there's no point for me to keep coming, no recommendations or referral to someone else or anything.

I've never heard of in-home therapy before. That seems strange and aligns with a thought I've had that it seems like so many therapists even directly blur the lines of that distanced professionalism limit themselves or at least set an environment right on the edge of it, but then you naturally do something like not referring to them with their last name then your overstepping the boundary...

Can you imagine ever trying to get another therapist again? Do you get any treatment at all? :(

 

[serenitydream]

Can you imagine ever trying to get another therapist again? Do you get any treatment at all? :(

No, I feel more comfortable when I can just save my energy. I need help, I think what I'm experiencing could be worsening ASD catatonia, but it feels hopeless that I'd be able to find what seems like such specialized treatment at this point and with only government insurance.

Also about what you wrote about being lonely do you think interactions get increasingly hard on top of the difficulties already there just due to the isolation itself?

 

[Phobia_DLW]

thanks for your kind words and i'm sorry you can relate.

your last two sentences really get to me... i never thought about it like this. that there have to be people to be paid to help. it's sad but then again, mental illnesses can be very complex and the average joe has no idea what to do or say and a professional is distanced enough to be more rational about what's going on in your hand and granted this person has some expertise, can guide you a little.


i just wish that professionals would be allowed to be more emotionally involved. let's just say you have a client that you genuinely like a lot, why can't you befriend that person? why are you not allowed to make this relationship more two sided?
i don't know if it's true but in media i came across therapists that do in-home therapy? like the clients go to their house and i'm ????
i'm from germany and our general etiquette is that you use the last name to address strangers, but if i naturally, accidentally, use the informal pronoun in therapy, with someone who is NOT a stranger, i apologize bc it is seen as overstepping a boundary.


wow. i had the EXACT same thoughts yesterday when i was at the park trying to enjoy nature (without reading your comment!) and hence i did talk about this in therapy today. i saw people on the lawn, sitting with friends i suppose? they were talking and showing emotions like joy? they laughed and listened to each other and nodded or just seemed serious. i mostly wondered what they talked about? when your mental state took everything from you, what do you talk to normal people about? i wouldn'z know. do they talk about work? about a show they watched? gossip they've heard? what they did on the weekend?
a year ago i signed up at uni again but like a "sit in", so no exams for me and not officially a student. i wanted to try if i felt like i could officially go back to finish my degree. (nope, i managed three weeks lol). in this swedish language learning class we were supposed to talk about our weekend, like what we did, what we ate, our hobbies etc. just to practice speaking. and i just had to make up things. i couldn't really share any "suicidal activity" (NO BRAINERS), that i didn't eat but just walked around to burn calories and do my obsesdsive eating disorder behaviours or banged my head against the wall and then was just laying in a dark room the next day bc of the headache. i mean, come on??? others were sharing things like going out with friends, driving home to see family, going out for dinner, ordering pizza, sleeping, relaxing, being in the park etc. it baffled me, like srsly. i CANNOT imagine a life like that? like... you just ... EAT? just like that? you call friends or make plans and you sit in the park? back to the park ... WHAT DO YOU TALK ABOUT???

i also saw a dad with his young daughter and at first it made me smile bc this little girl (maybe 3?) would just climb up the stairs to use the slide and her face was pure joy when she arrived at the ground after sliding. she got up and ran to the stairs to repeat this. like four, five times. and the dad was watching her and he seemed really happy seeing her. and then i wonder... what is it like to be able to have your own family... it requires a partner (which well... requires to have social contact- where do you get people from?), requires connection (ideally with love? LOVE?? COME ON NOW), ideally financial means and a big enough flat to raise a child. it requires you to live.

i went to the park to feel better but after like 15 mins i started crying and left. it makes me so sad. i can relate to you so much. i'm so used to being isolated (i mean ISOLATED, i don't have any contact to people except well here and my therapist and cashiers lol) and thus a deep, deep loneliness, that i simply cannot imagine anything different. and i wonder ... if i had the chance to switch places with one of these people on the lawn for one day, would i do it? i think i wouldn't honeslty. i'm afraid that it makes the contrast to my life even worse. rationally i know that this will never change if i don't FIND people, but i can't relate to anyone, just like you said. i never had positive experiences. see, i'm autistic and social interactions are very hard for me. they ususally involve a lot of conflicts (unwantingly) or me feeling shit bc well... i'm once again reminded that i'm an alien. the nicest thing someone has ever said to me and that i see as a compliment is "i really hated you in the beginning but you're actually not that bad" - that was at school, after three years with this person as my friend. i told my therapist about this compliment and he looked at me and said this is really horrible, like someone saying this but also that THIS is the nicest thing and the most positive experience i have had. idk. made me think.

i don't even know if i would want to have friends bc of everything that happened and my social problems - well have a social phobia on top, sigh... also, i think i would need someone who can relate to mental illness, bc i can't with people that make you feel even worse when you have to leave early or you... welll... seem sad. "just cheer up! life is beautiful!" - goodbye :)

how about you?

Hi, I tried to send you a private message, could you let me know if you have received it?

 

[ella.gracep]

No, I feel more comfortable when I can just save my energy. I need help, I think what I'm experiencing could be worsening ASD catatonia, but it feels hopeless that I'd be able to find what seems like such specialized treatment at this point and with only government insurance.

Also about what you wrote about being lonely do you think interactions get increasingly hard on top of the difficulties already there just due to the isolation itself?

i completely understand. i really hope it get's a little better for you <3

oh yes, i totally think that. the longer i'm isolated for, the less i know how to deal with people. i find people draining as well. i'm gonna meet up with someone who knows of my financial situation and gives me money sometimes. met him online (I KNOWWWWWW). and i generally don't want to go. doesn't make me feel less isolated, just more exhausted. idk. very often i actually feel grateful to be alone and not have friends bc this way no one wants something from me. i can just be by myself and do whatever i want, whenever i want. having friends and meeting up sounds nice in theory but in reality... bruhhh idk if i want to pay that price haha

Hi, I tried to send you a private message, could you let me know if you have received it?

hi! i got the notification but for some reason the website is blank when i click on it. but i have this problem here on the whole page for some reason. i contacted members and the same blank website was there when i used the "chat" option. i can only access messages through the "conversation" option, idk why.