Venting Some realizations.

[Busridin'26]

I am a coward so I don't kno/think I'll be able to order drugs to ctb.

Same goes for hanging.


So I figured... drastic times call for drastic measures.


I considered jumping off a bridge for a long time. I just didn't like how.... final it is. I always wanted a method where if needed I could bow out and like... well I am only human. Even if I want death, it's still pretty scary. So.


But at this point I have come to realize that jumping off a bridge may be my only way that I can execute.

I guess I'd get really faded with a mix of alcohol & marijuana before I jump?

I dunno but the reality of living is becoming more and more too much. I have no hope. I am in sooo much emotional pain. I'm becoming less and less able to do things.

How am I supposed to keep going like this and how the fuck can I manage to make things better.

I should be glad to have support. I am but it makes me feel inadequate. All my life I've been alone and gotten through it mostly alone.

So having support is a very uncomfortable, weird feeling and unreal feeling reality. I wish I could just accept it but... I'm instead just shaming myself for how badly I need help and how much I've lost the ability to do it alone.


Anyway, this weekend or next week I'm going to start scouting bridges. Check them out in person and see what I can do.


It's winter so I'm worried about jumping and jumping on to ice? Not sure if that increases my chance of death or lowers it


I am comfortable with the reality of death but not very comfortable with the process but somehow I will figure it out.

I'm going to keep seeing my therapist, support workers and talking a lil to my friends but my life is over.


If I can change things enough to live again I will try but I'm pretty sure I can't anymore.

Living is so painful. Thinking of my death and dying almost makes me feel joyous.....

Soooo.... yeah.

 

[FuneralCry]

Jumping sounds like a terrifying way to ctb to me, but I do admire those with the courage for it. I just really hate how there is no straightforward way to finally leave this world, it's true that existing in this world really is so painful and I understand why you would feel so relieved at the thought of being gone, in fact at least to me death really is the only relief from suffering. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[Busridin'26]

Jumping sounds like a terrifying way to ctb to me, but I do admire those with the courage for it. I just really hate how there is no straightforward way to finally leave this world, it's true that existing in this world really is so painful and I understand why you would feel so relieved at the thought of being gone, in fact at least to me death really is the only relief from suffering. But anyway, I wish you the best.

It is really terrifying tbh but compared to other methods where there's too much fear attached (like ordering drugs and getting legal involvement or trying to hang, doing it wrong and fucking up....


Jumping is very final and not a lot of ways to mess up but I'll keep thinking on it.