So... suffering is the only reason we want to ctb?

[R_N]

I can't see anything other than that.

People feel bad->people want to die.
People feel good->people love life.

Is it really this simple for everyone?

 

[Lady black]

If you talk about physical and mental suffering, then yes

 

[R_N]

If you talk about physical and mental suffering, then yes

Yeah but it is weird to me how simple it is. Everything else seems more complex.

 

[Astral316]

One reason I want to ctb is because death is the final frontier... a great mystery that I want to indulge in asap. This reason may have been acquired through suffering but it's not predicated on it.

 

[R_N]

One reason I want to ctb is because death is the final frontier... a great mystery that I want to indulge in asap. This reason may have been acquired through suffering but it's not predicated on it.

That is interesting. I hope you won't be dissapointed.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

There can be many reasons someone would want to ctb but it mainly revolves around suffering or pain or some sort of realization about existence and life in general.

 

[TowerUpright]

For me, it's just I'm not dealing well with my poor life choices. I have, on occasion, get bouts of severe depression. That also flares up my desire to leave.

 

[Soul]

Curiosity. Suffering. Revenge. Fear. Faith.

 

[Peeb]

When you dont see any other relief in life, when pain and suffering is without meaning. You can suffer through hell and back if there is a point to it or goal with it. But living with the feeling(real or presumed) that the suffering is for no point and permanent. Just the thought of looking at the calender and think " well, its only x amount of years before i die of natural causes...ill guess i hang on"...nah...f*ck that.. being in control of your life in any small amount even if the option is ctb, is still a feeling of being in control...

 

[MeltingHeart]

I can't see anything other than that.

People feel bad->people want to die.
People feel good->people love life.

Is it really this simple for everyone?

Yes I think so! In very basic terms. Seems like a good enough reason to me.

 

[BipolarExpat]

I've mainly observed these issues (in no particular order) singularly and combined or mixed:

• Guilt
• Regret and/or Shame
• Physical illnesses/injury/disease/chronic pain
• Botched surgeries/intrusive medical procedures gone wrong
• Mental illnesses/depression, etc.
• Loss of loved one(s)
• Financial woes
• Dysphoria (gender and otherwise)
• Trauma(s)
• Addiction(s)
• Psych meds' ill effects
• Misdiagnosis
• Loneliness, despair
• Anhedonia
• Apathy
• An overriding feeling of not belonging.

I'm sorry if I forgot yours. It wasn't intentional. There are certainly other reasons.

 

[LMLN]

I've mainly observed these issues (in no particular order) singularly and combined or mixed:

• Guilt
• Regret and/or Shame
• Physical illnesses/injury/disease/chronic pain
• Botched surgeries/intrusive medical procedures gone wrong
• Mental illnesses/depression, etc.
• Loss of loved one(s)
• Financial woes
• Dysphoria (gender and otherwise)
• Trauma(s)
• Addiction(s)
• Psych meds' ill effects
• Misdiagnosis
• Loneliness, despair
• Anhedonia
• Apathy
• An overriding feeling of not belonging.

I'm sorry if I forgot yours. It wasn't intentional. There are certainly other reasons.

Oh dear. I have 5 from the list! :(

 

[WhyIsLife56]

When you dont see any other relief in life, when pain and suffering is without meaning. You can suffer through hell and back if there is a point to it or goal with it. But living with the feeling(real or presumed) that the suffering is for no point and permanent. Just the thought of looking at the calender and think " well, its only x amount of years before i die of natural causes...ill guess i hang on"...nah...f*ck that.. being in control of your life in any small amount even if the option is ctb, is still a feeling of being in control...

It's like
"I can't wait to die of old age... Wait a second,,, why wait when I can do that myself "

 

[BipolarExpat]

Oh dear. I have 5 from the list! :(

I'm about double that...

 

[purplemoon]

Exactly. It would be like if you were lost in the desert, surrounded by snakes frequently, Thirsty, tired, hungry, sunburned, but every once in a while there is a pretty bird that flew by for a moment you forgot all that, but then after it flies away and you're back to reality, do you really want to just keep staying in the desert for the occasional bird flying by?!?

Plus someone else mentioned, we're all going to go anyway, why not go on our own terms? Why do we have to wait and be tortured for so many years first and then go? For what? So other people don't have to deal with the loss of us being around? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stay suffering and tortured inside a giant nightmare, just so someone else doesn't have to have a sad feeling sometimes... And that goes for the little family I have left too.
I love them and no, I don't want them to be sad, but do they really expect me to stay tortured like this? If i say i can't take it anymore, they should believe me. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do the same for them. Even though I would miss them and I would initially be sad, I would rather they be free from immense suffering...that's the loving thing to do.

It's much easier for someone to gradually accept someone passing on, it's a whole hell of a lot harder for me to stay tortured like this for years and years.

Who has it easier?
The person begging for relief via death? Or the person who will miss them being around?

Not me.
Not us apparently.

 

[ARW3N]

Suffering like the term depression has a bland tonality about it which doesn't fully convey its meaning. This is not an exhaustive definition but it's been variously called angst, dread or psychache, an unbearable psychological pain - hurt, anguish, soreness, and aching. One suicidologist even goes so far as to claim that in almost every case of suicide, unresolved psychache is the cause.

 

[Rushon]

I have about half of those on the list. But I will say that I do have physical pain (cancer) but loneliness and hopelessness causes some of the most intense pain I have ever gone through.

 

[porfin1234]

I've had suicidal ideation since I could remember. Not sure why but I've had self loathing since I was a teen- self mutilated, isolated myself, etc etc. Then turns out I was always irritable and miserable to live with. Also kind of never had much motivation to do much, and hated myself for it. Then last year I was kicking ass, got really involved in a lot of hobbies, enjoying life and nature, but made a dumbass impulsive decision to leave dream home and great job for some delusion I had. Turns out I've been delusional most of my life, when it came to people, situations, either idealize too much etc - in short, I am the poster child for BPD. That monster you read about on Quora. Even when I've tried being a decent human being, I manage to just mess it all up. I'm just kinda done with chasing my own tail, and finally did a bunch of things that really impacted me negatively , and knowing f that last year was my peak and probably downhill from here... maybe it is selfish. Maybe I'll pay for it in hell. There's a lot in life I love but, I'm just tired of constantly having to fight extreme emotions and wondering if I'm delusional or can't even trust myself with common sense things. I'm no good for anyone so. Let others enjoy life they deserve.

note: I do not think that people with BPD in general are monsters... but in my case, I have very much behaved like the worst case of BPD people constantly talk about staying away from...

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

I have to go because I can't work, didn't get disability and won't before the lease is up in a year, and will make us homeless if I stay alive. If I die, my section 8 goes to another person in the house who does have disability. That'll enable the other (also disabled but without SSI) person to survive. The apartment complex has a rule that each person must make a certain amount, and my third wheel throws it.

Technically that's still pain and suffering avoidance, because it'd hurt to make everyone else homeless and I don't want to suffer and die on the streets.

I don't have healthcare and can't re-prove disabilities again. (If you fail a hearing, you have to regroup and start from scratch and pretend your prior documents don't exist). I had a judge who picked on me (made fun of me) from the stand and was asking questions that had nothing to do with disability. He started out yelling about my ID card (which is legal and fine). He wanted to know why the address was changed (I had to change it to keep safe from an ex- it's a program put on by the attorney general's office). Now that information is on official court records, which negates everything I've tried to do to keep myself safe.

SO reason #2 is knowing I can never be safe from the ex.

Reason #3 My eyesight is really screwed up (I do wear glasses, but neurologically there's something wrong. Once I went blind for a month. NO offense if anyone here is blind, but when you can't see it's the worst sort of boredom and terror. When I finally went to a doctor about it, nothing was done. She said, "You look like you can see"... which is asinine because I couldn't leave the house when I couldn't see. I couldn't even work a telephone. Most likely a side effect of one of the seizure drugs I used to be on that no one will admit is a real side effect.

Symptoms of my PTSD are sometimes unbearable and unpleasant for others. I have fugue states and temporal lobe seizures (the seizures are from a fractured skull when I was little that were made worse later from big pharma). Who wants to live with that? Sometimes I don't remember what year it is, or what words are and I get angry at the people I live with when it's not their fault I can't talk... which I worry is untreated, undiagnosed dimensia.

Lastly, sure... suffering. It hurts to move. It hurts to sit. Exercise causes my stomach to sometimes swell until I can't breathe. I keep gaining weight and not from over-eating. It's changed my entire face. I'm over twice the size that until now I'd always been.

I have so many reasons, but I don't know if I'd do it if it weren't for being forced into it because I'd rather go this way than make everyone homeless and be homeless myself. Homelessness is societal homicide. If they're going to kill people with lack of aid, why not let us have access to things that'd ease the passage out? Easy cheap access to nitrogen, unadulterated helium, morphine?

It's going to hurt to die. A lot. And I don't believe in an afterlife, so the last moments of my waking life will be me in agony because so far the only ways I can get out without anyone noticing and on my budget are painful. There's no existence after that. So if it were just pain, would I? I don't know.

 

[a.h]

Exactly. It would be like if you were lost in the desert, surrounded by snakes frequently, Thirsty, tired, hungry, sunburned, but every once in a while there is a pretty bird that flew by for a moment you forgot all that, but then after it flies away and you're back to reality, do you really want to just keep staying in the desert for the occasional bird flying by?!?

Plus someone else mentioned, we're all going to go anyway, why not go on our own terms? Why do we have to wait and be tortured for so many years first and then go? For what? So other people don't have to deal with the loss of us being around? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to stay suffering and tortured inside a giant nightmare, just so someone else doesn't have to have a sad feeling sometimes... And that goes for the little family I have left too.
I love them and no, I don't want them to be sad, but do they really expect me to stay tortured like this? If i say i can't take it anymore, they should believe me. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would do the same for them. Even though I would miss them and I would initially be sad, I would rather they be free from immense suffering...that's the loving thing to do.

It's much easier for someone to gradually accept someone passing on, it's a whole hell of a lot harder for me to stay tortured like this for years and years.

Who has it easier?
The person begging for relief via death? Or the person who will miss them being around?

Not me.
Not us apparently.

About the same amount of people will miss everyone when they die naturally by old age, sicknesses and accidents so in reality there is no difference in that.

I have to go because I can't work, didn't get disability and won't before the lease is up in a year, and will make us homeless if I stay alive. If I die, my section 8 goes to another person in the house who does have disability. That'll enable the other (also disabled but without SSI) person to survive. The apartment complex has a rule that each person must make a certain amount, and my third wheel throws it.

Technically that's still pain and suffering avoidance, because it'd hurt to make everyone else homeless and I don't want to suffer and die on the streets.

I don't have healthcare and can't re-prove disabilities again. (If you fail a hearing, you have to regroup and start from scratch and pretend your prior documents don't exist). I had a judge who picked on me (made fun of me) from the stand and was asking questions that had nothing to do with disability. He started out yelling about my ID card (which is legal and fine). He wanted to know why the address was changed (I had to change it to keep safe from an ex- it's a program put on by the attorney general's office). Now that information is on official court records, which negates everything I've tried to do to keep myself safe.

SO reason #2 is knowing I can never be safe from the ex.

Reason #3 My eyesight is really screwed up (I do wear glasses, but neurologically there's something wrong. Once I went blind for a month. NO offense if anyone here is blind, but when you can't see it's the worst sort of boredom and terror. When I finally went to a doctor about it, nothing was done. She said, "You look like you can see"... which is asinine because I couldn't leave the house when I couldn't see. I couldn't even work a telephone. Most likely a side effect of one of the seizure drugs I used to be on that no one will admit is a real side effect.

Symptoms of my PTSD are sometimes unbearable and unpleasant for others. I have fugue states and temporal lobe seizures (the seizures are from a fractured skull when I was little that were made worse later from big pharma). Who wants to live with that? Sometimes I don't remember what year it is, or what words are and I get angry at the people I live with when it's not their fault I can't talk... which I worry is untreated, undiagnosed dimensia.

Lastly, sure... suffering. It hurts to move. It hurts to sit. Exercise causes my stomach to sometimes swell until I can't breathe. I keep gaining weight and not from over-eating. It's changed my entire face. I'm over twice the size that until now I'd always been.

I have so many reasons, but I don't know if I'd do it if it weren't for being forced into it because I'd rather go this way than make everyone homeless and be homeless myself. Homelessness is societal homicide. If they're going to kill people with lack of aid, why not let us have access to things that'd ease the passage out? Easy cheap access to nitrogen, unadulterated helium, morphine?

It's going to hurt to die. A lot. And I don't believe in an afterlife, so the last moments of my waking life will be me in agony because so far the only ways I can get out without anyone noticing and on my budget are painful. There's no existence after that. So if it were just pain, would I? I don't know.

But aren't Nitrogen, helium and other mixes available from gas industries like Paxar (and thousands of others). for all? They are used for welding and to many other things. CO can be made easily and is painless. Also hanging and SN don't cost much.

 

[T42]

Sometimes when I'm manic I wanna cbt because I think I'm too good for this world lol

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yeah, that's pretty much why at least in my case. I'm not looking to suicide with happiness, only to escape the otherwise inescapable.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

You're guaranteed suffering as long you're alive.

 

[Dystopic_Momento]

But aren't Nitrogen, helium and other mixes available from gas industries like Paxar (and thousands of others). for all? They are used for welding and to many other things. CO can be made easily and is painless. Also hanging and SN don't cost much.
[/QUOTE]

-Edit-
Other sites have warned that they added oxygen to helium now people were using it for that. You can end up with brain damage and live.

Hanging isn't painless, but I could probably power through it (just would prefer a better way). Also, for some reason there seems to be a lot of people who aren't successful with it. I can't afford to mess up. Has to be 100% effective. No coming back.

Thanks for mentioning SN. This time I looked it up (I think before I was getting it confused with Nitrogen). I looked it up and it's the same sd you can get at stores or amazon, right? For 15-20 dollars?

Before the edit I talked about difficulties getting stuff and financial, but I've got nearly a year. I can get it by then.

Thank you!

 

[BPD Barbie]

I have mental illness, I have physical illness, I have childhood abuse, these are contributing factors. My life as a whole isn't terrible, I've had some good times, done some interesting things. But due to the contributing factors things have been screwed up beyond repair and that's why I want to ctb.

 

[Despondent]

For me, it's lonliness and sadness. I see no future ahead for me. I'm eighteen and I don't think I'll ever achieve what I've wanted to achieve since I was the age of thirteen. It's some of the experiences that I've been apart of and have witnessed. I haven't felt like myself in years, and I'm not sure why, but I'm shameful to tell people this. I'm not motivated, I'm always tired, and the first time that I started to feel less and less of myself, I went through this very VERY emotional stage. I have no idea why and it was at the very beginning. Not a day would go by that I didn't sob. I feel so unlike myself now at this point and can't deal with some of my experiences any more that I think impulsively and end up doing things I know I shouldn't be doing. I've screwed everything up, and I'm not the same person I once was. I never would've done any of the things that I would have a year ago. I'm ashamed of myself and that's where I'm conflicted.

 

[LonelyHopelessDude]

Also for me, loneliness and sadness.
In addition to a lot of curiosity on what's after death.
I would be disappointed if there is just nothing after death while there is everything alive.
What a great mystery !

 

[toomuchgrief]

suffering the ONLY reason to CTB? yeah, No.
"why" I want to CTB has nothing to do with suffering, nor feeling suffering. I want to CTB simply because of "grief". And only when I die that will be when I able to stop grieving.

 

[purplemoon]

I have to go because I can't work, didn't get disability and won't before the lease is up in a year, and will make us homeless if I stay alive. If I die, my section 8 goes to another person in the house who does have disability. That'll enable the other (also disabled but without SSI) person to survive. The apartment complex has a rule that each person must make a certain amount, and my third wheel throws it.

Technically that's still pain and suffering avoidance, because it'd hurt to make everyone else homeless and I don't want to suffer and die on the streets.

I don't have healthcare and can't re-prove disabilities again. (If you fail a hearing, you have to regroup and start from scratch and pretend your prior documents don't exist). I had a judge who picked on me (made fun of me) from the stand and was asking questions that had nothing to do with disability. He started out yelling about my ID card (which is legal and fine). He wanted to know why the address was changed (I had to change it to keep safe from an ex- it's a program put on by the attorney general's office). Now that information is on official court records, which negates everything I've tried to do to keep myself safe.

SO reason #2 is knowing I can never be safe from the ex.

Reason #3 My eyesight is really screwed up (I do wear glasses, but neurologically there's something wrong. Once I went blind for a month. NO offense if anyone here is blind, but when you can't see it's the worst sort of boredom and terror. When I finally went to a doctor about it, nothing was done. She said, "You look like you can see"... which is asinine because I couldn't leave the house when I couldn't see. I couldn't even work a telephone. Most likely a side effect of one of the seizure drugs I used to be on that no one will admit is a real side effect.

Symptoms of my PTSD are sometimes unbearable and unpleasant for others. I have fugue states and temporal lobe seizures (the seizures are from a fractured skull when I was little that were made worse later from big pharma). Who wants to live with that? Sometimes I don't remember what year it is, or what words are and I get angry at the people I live with when it's not their fault I can't talk... which I worry is untreated, undiagnosed dimensia.

Lastly, sure... suffering. It hurts to move. It hurts to sit. Exercise causes my stomach to sometimes swell until I can't breathe. I keep gaining weight and not from over-eating. It's changed my entire face. I'm over twice the size that until now I'd always been.

I have so many reasons, but I don't know if I'd do it if it weren't for being forced into it because I'd rather go this way than make everyone homeless and be homeless myself. Homelessness is societal homicide. If they're going to kill people with lack of aid, why not let us have access to things that'd ease the passage out? Easy cheap access to nitrogen, unadulterated helium, morphine?

It's going to hurt to die. A lot. And I don't believe in an afterlife, so the last moments of my waking life will be me in agony because so far the only ways I can get out without anyone noticing and on my budget are painful. There's no existence after that. So if it were just pain, would I? I don't know.

I'm so sad and so mad at the way society has become, just reading your story altered my heart rate significantly. I wish that I could win the lottery and somehow create more affordable housing everywhere. I'm so sorry. If I had the power on this earth to help You and so many innocent people like you, i would. I can help with suggestions.

I am really wishing that you might be able to find a different city that has good domestic violence shelter and program... Especially since you fear your ex possibly coming after you again, you would likely qualify to go into a DV shelter.

DV survivor shelters are so much better/safer/cleaner than a regular homeless shelter. Homelessness is terrifying, and so much more dangerous if you are a woman.

I would try calling a few different agencies in different cities possibly, and asking them if you're required to have a recent police report or not. They vary.





Also, may the curse of God be upon all of those people that were supposed to help you, and instead insulted you, and did not do what they were supposed to do...which was to help you.

In the afterlife, they will get their just desserts for their cruelty. I promise.







For now, please try to come up with a plan B, Even if you're sure you're going to eventually catch the bus. It's so much harder and more horrific if you try to do it near/at being homeless in the future. Just a thought, it's up to you.

Hugs

May light appear in the darkness for you, always, in this life and the next...

 

[R_N]

suffering the ONLY reason to CTB? yeah, No.
"why" I want to CTB has nothing to do with suffering, nor feeling suffering. I want to CTB simply because of "grief". And only when I die that will be when I able to stop grieving.

Isn't grief suffering?