Story So, I almost got sectioned today

[CuddleHug]

I'm not sure what happened when I met my psychologist today. Somehow, I ended up in a position where she thought I was going to CTB before the end of the year. I say that like I don't know why she got that idea, but of course I do. I definitely I acted a bit weird and evasive in our session, but I did not expect her to stop me before leaving to ask; "I need to ask, will you be here next session?" (two weeks from now).

Truth be told, I have been considering CTB quite seriously lately. I was not certain I would do it, but I could not lie to her face and say "yes". I didn't say anything. She kept looking at me and finally I said "I don't know". Now, I do not live in the US, so it's not game over when your therapist knows you're actively suicidal. However, she was required to ask for more details and here is where I fucked up.

I don't know why, but without thinking, I let her think I had definitely decided to CTB before the end of the year. On most of her questions, I said nothing, thinking instead. When it came to it, I basically nodded when she gave me yes/no questions about my intentions. Before I knew it, I was faced with a very difficult choice. She gave me two options:

• Promise not to CTB and seek urgent care if I felt like I could not keep the promise
• Force her to keep me against my will and get involuntary hospitalisation

The stupid thing is, I never really felt like I was going to CTB. It was not unlikely, but it was definitely not a full-blown plan with a date and everything. I think I panicked a bit when she started asking about it, because obviously I did not want her to know how much I have been thinking about it lately. Then suddenly I felt stuck and didn't know how to back out safely.

I ended up promising her not to go through with it. What else could I do? Part of me wanted to pick the other option to see what would happen, but at the end of the day, hospital is not where I want to be right now. Especially since it was easy to promise not to do something I didn't really intend to do anyway. The problem was convincing her I was not lying about it, but I think I managed.

She's really good and I don't deserve her, but I'm happy it was her and not someone else. She has been with me through similar situations, so I know I can be honest with her. I don't tell her everything, but I doubt I ever will to anyone. Some things are best kept to oneself.

Before I end this, I want to add that I think I was closer to CTB than I realised. I have been microplanning tiny things for a couple of weeks now and not been conscious about it. I think the reason I let her believe I was serious about it was because I started to realise I very well could have been. It's scary to think about, but it's almost like I have been compartmentalising my suicidal ideation. Whatever that part of me was doing, I was not fully aware of it. Strange.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Now I'm tired.

 

[FluffyDove]

It must have been stressful for you today. Try and take some time for yourself, eat some ice cream and watch a cheesy Christmas film x

 

[Mentalmick]

Come up to Scotland you could walk into the room on fire smoking a stick of dynamite while drinking diesel and still not get sectioned. Seriously.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Stressful times for you. I'm glad you didn't get sectioned, if you wanted to avoid that. How are you feeling about things now?

 

[signifying nothing]

it's almost like I have been compartmentalising my suicidal ideation. Whatever that part of me was doing, I was not fully aware of it. Strange.

Sometimes feel like this myself. Like you (the conscious part) are operating on a need to know basis and its been decided by the rest of you that you don't need to know. You just get updated at the last minute when its too late to change what's inevitably going to happen anyway. A little distrubing for sure.

And it seems like your therapist picked up on it - she may be more attuned with you than you thought, helping you to see things you can't see on your own.

 

[noaccount]

Come up to Scotland you could walk into the room on fire smoking a stick of dynamite while drinking diesel and still not get sectioned. Seriously.

This sounds heavenly.

 

[CuddleHug]

Stressful times for you. I'm glad you didn't get sectioned, if you wanted to avoid that. How are you feeling about things now?

Mostly tired and low. I am definitely glad she let me go home on my own. When I was sitting there, I really thought she wouldn't let me. Now that I am home, I intend to keep the promise not to CTB. I could break the promise, but I know I can't do that to her.

I'm actually relieved it came to this, because now I don't need to choose. Even if I don't like it, surviving is all I can do right now. No need to worry about dying, because that's not an option for now. So I guess I've got that going for me.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Mostly tired and low. I am definitely glad she let me go home on my own. When I was sitting there, I really thought she wouldn't let me. Now that I am home, I intend to keep the promise not to CTB. I could break the promise, but I know I can't do that to her.

I'm actually relieved it came to this, because now I don't need to choose. Even if I don't like it, surviving is all I can do right now. No need to worry about dying, because that's not an option for now. So I guess I've got that going for me.

It sounds like subconsciously you have made a choice already. Choice is a good thing, it means you are at least trying to exert power over your circumstances one way or another.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Keep that psychologist. I had a great psychiatrist years ago who sectioned me and I have to admit it was a bit of a relief. I knew I didn't have a plan that could be carried out in the hospital, so I was able to breathe a bit. He knew me well enough to know what was going on and what to do. I also think it's important to keep your promise to her. It will keep your working relationship on solid ground.

For me, my CTB crises are driven by my bipolar so it's important to have someone who knows me well since I often seem to be the last one to know.

I'm glad you're still with us. If you're celebrating this weekend, remember to take it easy on yourself. Lots of naps and childhood movies make the holidays better!

 

[ScaredGirl]

I'm not sure what happened when I met my psychologist today. Somehow, I ended up in a position where she thought I was going to CTB before the end of the year. I say that like I don't know why she got that idea, but of course I do. I definitely I acted a bit weird and evasive in our session, but I did not expect her to stop me before leaving to ask; "I need to ask, will you be here next session?" (two weeks from now).

Truth be told, I have been considering CTB quite seriously lately. I was not certain I would do it, but I could not lie to her face and say "yes". I didn't say anything. She kept looking at me and finally I said "I don't know". Now, I do not live in the US, so it's not game over when your therapist knows you're actively suicidal. However, she was required to ask for more details and here is where I fucked up.

I don't know why, but without thinking, I let her think I had definitely decided to CTB before the end of the year. On most of her questions, I said nothing, thinking instead. When it came to it, I basically nodded when she gave me yes/no questions about my intentions. Before I knew it, I was faced with a very difficult choice. She gave me two options:

• Promise not to CTB and seek urgent care if I felt like I could not keep the promise
• Force her to keep me against my will and get involuntary hospitalisation

The stupid thing is, I never really felt like I was going to CTB. It was not unlikely, but it was definitely not a full-blown plan with a date and everything. I think I panicked a bit when she started asking about it, because obviously I did not want her to know how much I have been thinking about it lately. Then suddenly I felt stuck and didn't know how to back out safely.

I ended up promising her not to go through with it. What else could I do? Part of me wanted to pick the other option to see what would happen, but at the end of the day, hospital is not where I want to be right now. Especially since it was easy to promise not to do something I didn't really intend to do anyway. The problem was convincing her I was not lying about it, but I think I managed.

She's really good and I don't deserve her, but I'm happy it was her and not someone else. She has been with me through similar situations, so I know I can be honest with her. I don't tell her everything, but I doubt I ever will to anyone. Some things are best kept to oneself.

Before I end this, I want to add that I think I was closer to CTB than I realised. I have been microplanning tiny things for a couple of weeks now and not been conscious about it. I think the reason I let her believe I was serious about it was because I started to realise I very well could have been. It's scary to think about, but it's almost like I have been compartmentalising my suicidal ideation. Whatever that part of me was doing, I was not fully aware of it. Strange.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Now I'm tired.

I'm in the uk I told my psychs last week I wanted to kill myself and I was going to try again with a method I just learned was almost gairentees to work they discharged me and offered no follow up help. I've tried to kill myself so many times and failed and Ive asked to be sectioned before and they never have. The nhs at least really suck.

 

[Mentalmick]

I'm in the uk I told my psychs last week I wanted to kill myself and I was going to try again with a method I just learned was almost gairentees to work they discharged me and offered no follow up help. I've tried to kill myself so many times and failed and Ive asked to be sectioned before and they never have. The nhs at least really suck.

They like people being a threat to themselves in the UK these days as it saves them time and money

 

[painoflife]

It sounds like you have had a very stressful time. Things can be at the back of your mind and you don't realise so much until somebody asks about it, this is one of them things that creeps up on you and you don't recognise that the thoughts are becoming plans. It is good you can be honest about something so important and the psychologist didn't overreact. Hopefully this can help you trust them and in turn allow them to help you however you need

 

[CuddleHug]

It sounds like you have had a very stressful time. Things can be at the back of your mind and you don't realise so much until somebody asks about it, this is one of them things that creeps up on you and you don't recognise that the thoughts are becoming plans. It is good you can be honest about something so important and the psychologist didn't overreact. Hopefully this can help you trust them and in turn allow them to help you however you need

I think I didn't acknowledge those thoughts because I knew I'd start doubting if I did. Luckily she knows me well enough by now that she can pick up on signals in my behaviour or the way I word things. If I had been completely set on CTB, I would not have gone to see her at all. The fact that I did, and that I hinted at something difficult I couldn't tell her about, probably means that I wanted her to find out.

I want to be able to recover. I'm struggling to believe I will, but I know I will never be able to do it on my own. After so many years without a good psychologist, I never thought I'd ever get one. She wants to understand me and help me out of this, so I guess I have to at least give her a chance to do that.

 

[ceelestial]

Come up to Scotland you could walk into the room on fire smoking a stick of dynamite while drinking diesel and still not get sectioned. Seriously.

Englands as bad if not worse, i developed some retard chronic illness 2 years ago that completely debilitated me and ruined my entire life, couple weeks ago a doctor said "well i can see you arent depressed!" yeah i mean its not like my lifes been destroyed or anything.... my other GP claimed my entire illness was mental (proven false now) so i asked to be sectioned to get help.... he told me i didnt qualify.

 

[CuddleHug]

Continuing this thread because it's somewhat related. I'm not doing well. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I'm losing control. I hate losing control. Over myself, that is. What happened just before Christmas made me realise how close to the edge I've been teetering. How did I let that happen?

More importantly, why am I still so close to falling off that ledge? I'm torturing myself and I don't know why. Self-harm is one thing, intentionally starving myself a whole different matter. Because right now, I'm doing both. Almost two full days into the new year and I still haven't eaten anything. That's not too bad, but my mind is set on five full days. Why? Why the fuck am I doing this to myself?

Writing this out, the answer seems quite obvious. Like I said, I feel like I'm losing control. How do I regain control? By hurting myself, of course. It keeps me from doing something worse. The problem is, why is there no end to it? How do I stop?

Right before I decided to write this, I felt a very strong urge to CTB. It seemed only logical. Then I remembered my promise to my psychologist. I said I would not kill myself until we meet again (on Tuesday) and to seek help if things got worse. I said that as long as I make it past New Year's, I would be fine. I even sent her an email yesterday to let her know I made it.

Yet here I am, contemplating it more than I am comfortable with. How much is a promise worth anyway? For some stupid reason, I can't bring myself to break it. So the only option then is to go to the A&E/ER, I suppose. I don't think I can do it.

Last time I went, it was a horrible experience and they sent me home with nothing. Half a day sitting outside in the cold (due to COVID-19). It's evening here now and I don't think I can spend the night like that. Maybe they've moved back indoors now since it's Winter, but I don't know that for sure.

In fact, after that time, I promised myself to never go there again. Having to convince them I need inpatient care is almost like a job interview. They ask intrusive questions and I have to argue my case either with careful placement of words or with exaggeration and lies. In my current state, I don't think I can do either. I'd just sit there silent and waste their and my own time.

So, here I am, venting once again on a suicide forum. I'll be fine. I took some benzos and will soon take another one to knock myself out for the night. Tomorrow, I shall go through all the same questions in my head once more and probably come to the same conclusion. One day at a time, right?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's really sad that you are correct about the ER. Unless you are in abject, doing it this minute crisis, the best you are likely to get is a long wait and sent home with nothing, same situation. Been there.
I've also starved myself (virtually) but not really through choice, I actually couldn't care for myself very well and was left alone. It goes without saying but it's not a great idea, it will probably just make things worse.
None of that helps you though, does it, when you want to release the pressure, to actually get some help that they say is there but often isn't?
If you can hold out until Tuesday, at least that is something to aim for in the short term. I wish I could offer some concrete help, but FWIW you know you can PM me anytime.

 

[CuddleHug]

I wish I could offer some concrete help, but FWIW you know you can PM me anytime.

I know, it's maybe something I should do more often. I really appreciate your input whenever I post something like this. Even if it's just acknowledging my pain, it still helps. Thank you for always being there

Also, I felt a bit lighter after writing out my thoughts and allowed myself a sandwich. Not much, but better than nothing.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I know, it's maybe something I should do more often. I really appreciate your input whenever I post something like this. Even if it's just acknowledging my pain, it still helps. Thank you for always being there

Also, I felt a bit lighter after writing out my thoughts and allowed myself a sandwich. Not much, but better than nothing.

Yay! Sandwiches are cool
Like I say, always happy for a PM, even if its just for some company.
Though for now, its bedtime, so goodnight.

 

[painoflife]

Having to convince them I need inpatient care is almost like a job interview. They ask intrusive questions and I have to argue my case either with careful placement of words or with exaggeration and lies. In my current state, I don't think I can do either. I'd just sit there silent and waste their and my own time.

I completely know what you mean with this and it is horrible to have to go through it. We are always told to ask for help, which isn't easy anyway, and when we actually do that we get turned away or told to wait x amount of time for it.
I am glad to hear than even just getting these thoughts out has helped even slightly and hopefully it will be enough to help you through until Tuesday. If not then could you try and make contact with them on Monday maybe?

 

[noaccount]

I'm glad you were able to eat something it's really hard for me sometimes too

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I'm in the uk I told my psychs last week I wanted to kill myself and I was going to try again with a method I just learned was almost gairentees to work they discharged me and offered no follow up help. I've tried to kill myself so many times and failed and Ive asked to be sectioned before and they never have. The nhs at least really suck.

Let me guess... you have BPD, yes?

 

[noaccount]

^ ScaredGirl, if you ID with any diagnosis personally that's your business, but I hope we can refrain from putting those labels on others because of how often calling people's thoughts and feelings personality disorders distracts from other ways of talking about what's happening to us.

 

[CuddleHug]

I'd also appreciate it if you stopped talking about irrelevant stuff in my thread. I can't stop you, but please think twice before posting if you don't have anything respectful to say.

 

[CuddleHug]

So, I survived until my next session with my psychologist today. Since things have not been better at all over the holidays, we ended up deciding inpatient treatment is the only option. I went voluntarily, although only because they'd force hold me if I didn't agree.

Pretty rough day, but honestly it went way smoother than it has before. More people were involved in the process and they had all the details ready. Basically didn't matter what I said, because the journals told them all they needed to know. Sounds like that could be a bad thing, but for me it was nice because I didn't have to argue my case and exaggerate to be heard.

That's all I have to say now. I may not be on here for a while, but we'll see. Right now I just want to sleep.

Hugs~

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Good luck CH, I hope you get what you need in there and that they listen to you. Stay strong and have a good sleep.

 

[CuddleHug]

At first, I hated being here (at the psych ward), but then gradually warmed up to it thanks to seeing familiar faces among the staff (been here a total of 3 months over several occasions before) and not having to worry about food and medicine. It's not too bad, really.

That all went down the drain today. I fucking hate the doctor here. She was bad the previous times too, but not unreasonable. Now she's a complete trainwreck. I met her briefly on the day after my arrival here, but that was expected since I basically said nothing and refused to cooperate much. Today was my first meeting on normal terms and I wasn't even in the meeting room for two minutes. Two fucking minutes. 50% of which was her commenting on my "beautiful" hair and wondering who braided/plaited it. I did, what are you talking about?

The other 50% was asking how I was feeling, ignoring my answer and then telling me that she had heard I demanded to do ECT. I never demanded anything, all I said to the nurse before was that I was open to trying, but was unsure. But the doctor went on and said something about my medication, that they need to do some tests before we start and that my first session is on Wednesday. That's it. She didn't even give room for me to ask any questions.

Let me reiterate, I only brought up ECT because I wanted to know more and how it works. What risks there are, how long the treatment will be and how it works logistically. What side effects can I expect, how likely is it to work given my history, what happens if I want to stop mid-way through? Stuff like that. Even now, I am still doubting whether I should do it or not. In fact, I'm more worried now because I can't trust the doctor who will be supervising the treatment.

Seriously, this was so unprofessional and disrespectful that I'm considering leaving right now. I'm here voluntarily (although I had no choice; had I said no, they'd have done an involuntary hospitalisation), so they have to discharge me if I demand it. I might stay the week, but I'm honestly not sure.

Sorry for the rant. Just needed somewhere to vent and I know some people might want to read my updates. Thank you for sticking around

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Sounds like a shit doctor. I don't suppose there is any chance of getting another one? I guess they are in the position of strength and any deviation from their rules will be seen as troublemaking, especially if they are saying you said things you didn't.
That would make me really angry, I'd be asking for proof and calling them liars, making complaints, but that's just me, and such an attitude can be counterproductive if you are in a position of weakness.
Maybe it would benefit you to invest in that position of weakness - to appear subservient and polite whilst still politely asking for what you want, preferably with witnesses?

 

[CuddleHug]

I don't suppose there is any chance of getting another one?

Nope, the one who calls the shots is the head psychiatrist and there is only one here. There are other doctors, but they can't make major decisions like that.

I did manage to put in a complaint through one of the best nurses here. She was lucky enough to speak to the doctor before she left for the day and they immediately went together to my room. The doctor didn't apologise exactly, but she tried to sound like she sincerely regretted not giving me more space to talk and ask questions.

She also offered another chance to make up for it tomorrow, where the nurse will be with me and speak for me when I can't express my thoughts. I struggle a lot with that, which only makes the issue worse when people don't listen. We have a new appointment tomorrow where I can ask all the questions I want and she agreed to give me her thoughts on ECT as a treatment for me as well. Apparently she is also doubting the idea, just like I expected.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm not too hopeful, but the situation does feel better than before.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Nope, the one who calls the shots is the head psychiatrist and there is only one here. There are other doctors, but they can't make major decisions like that.

I did manage to put in a complaint through one of the best nurses here. She was lucky enough to speak to the doctor before she left for the day and they immediately went together to my room. The doctor didn't apologise exactly, but she tried to sound like she sincerely regretted not giving me more space to talk and ask questions.

She also offered another chance to make up for it tomorrow, where the nurse will be with me and speak for me when I can't express my thoughts. I struggle a lot with that, which only makes the issue worse when people don't listen. We have a new appointment tomorrow where I can ask all the questions I want and she agreed to give me her thoughts on ECT as a treatment for me as well. Apparently she is also doubting the idea, just like I expected.

We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'm not too hopeful, but the situation does feel better than before.

That sounds like progress. That's what you need, an advocate. Often nurses are the best for that. Doctors generally have shit bedside manners. Looks like you may have done the right thing with the right person. Well done and fingers crossed for tomorrow.

 

[CuddleHug]

The tide has turned, somehow. First off, I got another chance to sit down with that same nurse and come up with a strategy for the meeting today. We came to the conclusion that no matter what, I will refuse the ECT treatment for now. It may be an option in the future, but it would have to be planned properly well in advance.

I also realised that my mood has improved a lot since I came here. Not good by any means, but I'm no longer in a pit of despair with no means of breaking myself out. When things are that dark, I barely talk and never ask for help even when my anxiety level is through the roof. I find ways to self-harm instead. When I thought about it, I reflected that on Sunday I was more engaged in conversations and asked for help when I needed it. After that disastrous meeting with the doctor, I even made a complaint and properly got a response. That's unheard of for me, I always avoid any kind of conflict.

Anyway, we talked a bit about how much more stable I was and that perhaps the purpose of my inpatient treatment had been achieved. I also knew that my psychologist still had our appointment for Wednesday booked if I needed it. So we decided that a good option would be to arrange for me to be discharged Wednesday morning, go directly to my psychologist and then home.

So, we had that second meeting with the doctor. Only her, me and my amazing nurse. I got to say everything I wanted to say. Since there was no time pressure, the doctor listened and gave actual feedback. She agreed to discharge me tomorrow after lunch and that's it. I'm so relieved! Funny how people's behaviour changes when they know they can't get away with their bullshit anymore.

About the ECT thing where she was doubtful, it was such a bullshit reason. I mean, she did kind of have a point, but listen to this. She said that since I am a programmer, I do complex work and it is vital for me to have good memory, otherwise I'd struggle to keep up. She knows I'm intelligent and would hate for me to get some kind of permanent impairment due to the treatment. The chance of that happening is very low, she said, but it should only be used as a last resort for someone like me.

Seriously? My first thought was doesn't this imply that you consider all other patients you give ECT to less intelligent? I chose not to comment on it, but I guess it's good to know she doesn't want to give me brain damage. What a joke.

Oh, and my psychologist offered to see me twice a week for a while after I get discharged, which is awesome. I'm actually very happy about that, because she is definitely my rock during this storm.

At least I'm getting out tomorrow. Perhaps the hospitalisation was exactly what I needed after all. First time I actually think that. I wonder if the secret ingredient was to go unwillingly. Then again, I knew it was going to happen and could have weaselled my way out of it if I truly wanted.

What a journey.