This forum was recently introduced to me. The person who decided to recommend it was hoping I'd find something helpful here that would change my mind, but I honestly doubt it. The only things I've seen so far that's helpful are some of the resources and PPH which provides information on which methods I can use.
A few things I'm going to make clear -- my pain isn't your pain. You can never feel exactly what I'm feeling, but I'm sure you can relate to an extent only because of the words that I use. Don't presume to understand what I'm going through then suggest some list of ignorant reasons to keep on living.
I'm tired of this life. The "necessity" to keep working just so you can have a roof over your head and not be homeless in a Capitalist society. The way companies take advantage of your time and energy and claim most of what you deserve -- "You're a cog in which this company relies to keep working. You are important to this company and it's success," then fucking pay me and everyone else way more with your billions of record profit for the year, you fucks! Working a meaningless job that's difficult to leave because you just don't have the skill to do anything else and the energy to learn something new. I'm so very exhausted.
Relationships are difficult for me to maintain because of how damaged I am. I've had six, and the reason the majority have failed is because of my unresolved and permanent issues. I'm damaged, and I will be for the rest of my life. I feel alone, lonely, the majority of the time and I've found out that the only thing that can truly help is to be with someone romantically. Someone whom I can express my affection physically in many ways and someone that can do the same to me. Having friends or acquaintances online or off is never enough. It just, doesn't, work. And my constant failing relationships is too damn painful for me to deal with. I'm so fucking tired of feeling this lonely and I no longer want to feel it. It's the one thing that I truly want and need in my life and it's too damn difficult to achieve. I need a person that can stand by me, closely, romantically, even with what I'm going through may hurt us from time to time. I know it will lessen in time if I at least didn't feel lonely, but it will never truly go away.
The idea of going to a therapist for "help" and learning the same old exercises each and every one of them give you to learn and practice is only something that maintains an already shit life. There's no actual cure to the pain and suffering -- just distractions so you can continue living and fall into line with other people's standards. Don't get me wrong, I did learn a few things eventually that change some things a bit, but it's not enough.
What pisses me off about it is this. Sure these damn therapists were able to help, sure some other non-professionals were able to convince you to not end things by making you feel bad using stupid statements such as, " You have so much to live for!" - "Think about how others would feel if you left their life. The ones that care about you will suffer if you disappear!" - "Suicide is too permanent of a solution to a temporary problem!" - "There's so much more to life! Experience them! Live!"
Then what? What about how *I* fucking feel?
If you have anything different to say other than those ignorant statements, then I'll listen to you. Otherwise, don't bother exhausting yourself.
Now that you've convinced that person, what are you going to do about it? Okay, I'll go back to work and continue to worry about bills, debt, homelessness, food, health issues, mental issues. I'll go back to feeling lonely, depressed, sad, all of which are fucking constant all throughout my life since.
Are you going to take responsibility at all after you've "successfully saved my life?" Will you help with my bills that I don't want to pay? Debt that I don't want to pay? Ensure that I have a permanent home and never have to worry about an endless monthly rent? Will you help with my financial situation at all in this greedy Capitalist society? Cure my failing body of physical and mental problems? Rid of my loneliness, depression, and sadness by being that one truly physically affectionate person in my life? Will you share the pain and suffering that I experience in almost every single day? Of course not. Because it's life, and life is full of struggles, or as many like to say, "it is what it is." You do your "job" in "saving me," you feel better about yourself, all the while I'm to continue a life I didn't ask for in the first place. Then once that session ends, I'm expected to try and continue to survive, which is not living with all the intense pain that I feel.
This is as bad as the selfish fucking people who decides to have children and don't take responsibility in their well-being. People who do not consider how their life will be as they grow up, the financial struggles they will face, the challenges in living in a shit system that goes against completely against comfortable and safe living. These children, will experience pain they never asked for -- a life they never fucking asked for and never had a say in the first damn place.
Many call suicidal people "selfish," yet the selfish ones are those many.
I'm so fucking tired, and depressed, and sad, and lonely, and so damn angry.
Suicide is something I've accepted for a good few years now and the more I experience life, the more I really don't care to experience anything else. Suicide is a legit option and is my right to choose without being shamed or worse, shut in a locked room to prevent me from making any such decision.
My failing relationships hit me the hardest since it's the most important thing that I crave for. I just want to care and be there for someone as they do the same to me. It's not much to ask for, yet it is.
I'm working on my Will, organizing my belongings, then will leave in the very near future once things are ready.
A few things I'm going to make clear -- my pain isn't your pain. You can never feel exactly what I'm feeling, but I'm sure you can relate to an extent only because of the words that I use. Don't presume to understand what I'm going through then suggest some list of ignorant reasons to keep on living.
I'm tired of this life. The "necessity" to keep working just so you can have a roof over your head and not be homeless in a Capitalist society. The way companies take advantage of your time and energy and claim most of what you deserve -- "You're a cog in which this company relies to keep working. You are important to this company and it's success," then fucking pay me and everyone else way more with your billions of record profit for the year, you fucks! Working a meaningless job that's difficult to leave because you just don't have the skill to do anything else and the energy to learn something new. I'm so very exhausted.
Relationships are difficult for me to maintain because of how damaged I am. I've had six, and the reason the majority have failed is because of my unresolved and permanent issues. I'm damaged, and I will be for the rest of my life. I feel alone, lonely, the majority of the time and I've found out that the only thing that can truly help is to be with someone romantically. Someone whom I can express my affection physically in many ways and someone that can do the same to me. Having friends or acquaintances online or off is never enough. It just, doesn't, work. And my constant failing relationships is too damn painful for me to deal with. I'm so fucking tired of feeling this lonely and I no longer want to feel it. It's the one thing that I truly want and need in my life and it's too damn difficult to achieve. I need a person that can stand by me, closely, romantically, even with what I'm going through may hurt us from time to time. I know it will lessen in time if I at least didn't feel lonely, but it will never truly go away.
The idea of going to a therapist for "help" and learning the same old exercises each and every one of them give you to learn and practice is only something that maintains an already shit life. There's no actual cure to the pain and suffering -- just distractions so you can continue living and fall into line with other people's standards. Don't get me wrong, I did learn a few things eventually that change some things a bit, but it's not enough.
What pisses me off about it is this. Sure these damn therapists were able to help, sure some other non-professionals were able to convince you to not end things by making you feel bad using stupid statements such as, " You have so much to live for!" - "Think about how others would feel if you left their life. The ones that care about you will suffer if you disappear!" - "Suicide is too permanent of a solution to a temporary problem!" - "There's so much more to life! Experience them! Live!"
Then what? What about how *I* fucking feel?
If you have anything different to say other than those ignorant statements, then I'll listen to you. Otherwise, don't bother exhausting yourself.
Now that you've convinced that person, what are you going to do about it? Okay, I'll go back to work and continue to worry about bills, debt, homelessness, food, health issues, mental issues. I'll go back to feeling lonely, depressed, sad, all of which are fucking constant all throughout my life since.
Are you going to take responsibility at all after you've "successfully saved my life?" Will you help with my bills that I don't want to pay? Debt that I don't want to pay? Ensure that I have a permanent home and never have to worry about an endless monthly rent? Will you help with my financial situation at all in this greedy Capitalist society? Cure my failing body of physical and mental problems? Rid of my loneliness, depression, and sadness by being that one truly physically affectionate person in my life? Will you share the pain and suffering that I experience in almost every single day? Of course not. Because it's life, and life is full of struggles, or as many like to say, "it is what it is." You do your "job" in "saving me," you feel better about yourself, all the while I'm to continue a life I didn't ask for in the first place. Then once that session ends, I'm expected to try and continue to survive, which is not living with all the intense pain that I feel.
This is as bad as the selfish fucking people who decides to have children and don't take responsibility in their well-being. People who do not consider how their life will be as they grow up, the financial struggles they will face, the challenges in living in a shit system that goes against completely against comfortable and safe living. These children, will experience pain they never asked for -- a life they never fucking asked for and never had a say in the first damn place.
Many call suicidal people "selfish," yet the selfish ones are those many.
I'm so fucking tired, and depressed, and sad, and lonely, and so damn angry.
Suicide is something I've accepted for a good few years now and the more I experience life, the more I really don't care to experience anything else. Suicide is a legit option and is my right to choose without being shamed or worse, shut in a locked room to prevent me from making any such decision.
My failing relationships hit me the hardest since it's the most important thing that I crave for. I just want to care and be there for someone as they do the same to me. It's not much to ask for, yet it is.
I'm working on my Will, organizing my belongings, then will leave in the very near future once things are ready.
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