SN staring at me, I finally opened it. It’s happening.

[Mustkeyknow]

Nothings going to improve, i feel like shit and been feeling like shit for the past couple of months. Nothing is going to change. I went to therapy today and the therapist said I victimized myself for all the wrong things I've done. Can you imagine going back to college at 34? Lmfao. Get your first real job at 40? IF they hire you? I don't think so cupcake. The damage is done and there's no turning back. The pain will last forever. I know I need to be a little more kind to myself but I just can't. I ruined my life I wasted it. Nothings gonna get fixed by killing myself, but at least I won't be suffering.

My mom said I was born to ruin both my parents life, and she's probably right. I'm sorry mom, I'm truly sorry.

 

[134340]

I'm sorry to hear that life dealt you a shitty hand. I'm sure you deserve so much more than that. We're here if you want to keep chatting before you go, otherwise I wish you peace.

 

[Nem]

Massive hugs

 

[Thebuddhacel]

Sad man, i'm sorry. What happened, did you had a job?

 

[disabledandhopeless]

I'm really sorry to hear this. It has always been my dream to go back to college too. Not being able to go back is giving me a lot of regrets. I feel your pain. I really do.

 

[s1mplem3]

Well, I can image college in 34 or a first job in 40 but not with this society. People are selfish and cruel, even our parents, our last hope. Please if you willing to chat, I'm here for you.

 

[Mustkeyknow]

Sad man, i'm sorry. What happened, did you had a job?

I have a job, but it's a shitty ass, secretary job. I didn't exercise my career straight out of college due to stupidity and now I'm stuck with low wage humiliating jobs. I'm 33 and no one will hire me. I thought about going back to college but lol who am I kidding

 

[faust]

Do you really think going back to college might change everything? Or getting a real job?
You said before that you want it, but what if you select a different life path?
Maybe there were things you were dreaming of? Or any hobbies that were more interesting for you?
College-job-retirement path is not for everybody and I often felt it is not for me.
People can make money virtually from anything and I used to know people who are successful not because they graduated and had a great job, but because they did what they truly wanted.
I am saying that not to stop you or to convince to do anything, but I have seen so many unhappy people who did not admit there are other ways to succeed.

 

[Mustkeyknow]

I'm really sorry to hear this. It has always been my dream to go back to college too. Not being able to go back is giving me a lot of regrets. I feel your pain. I really do.

Why can't you go back? In my case I feel like I'm too old and nothings going to improve, and with my current mental state, I don't think I'll finish it tbh

Do you really think going back to college might change everything? Or getting a real job?
You said before that you want it, but what if you select a different life path?
Maybe there were things you were dreaming of? Or any hobbies that were more interesting for you?
College-job-retirement path is not for everybody and I often felt it is not for me.
People can make money virtually from anything and I used to know people who are successful not because they graduated and had a great job, but because they did what they truly wanted.
I am saying that not to stop you or to convince to do anything, but I have seen so many unhappy people who did not admit there are other ways to succeed.

I just want a real, grown up job. I'm miserable, my past haunts me, and I just feel like if I go back to college then maybe doors will open for me but I'll be 40 by then, like who the f am I joking. And if there are ways to make money and feel fulfilled then do share because I am so lost here.

 

[Carina]

Do you have to have 6 yrs of college? or even 4 for a better job? Can it be less?

Totally not trying to convince you of anything, but was just curious.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What I'm about to say does not mean that I don't hear you!

I'm 49. I honestly can see going back to college at 34. I can see getting a clerical job at the same level in a field I was interested in, and getting a degree in that field because then my foot would be in the door, even if I didn't move up within that particular company. I could see doing that but getting certificates instead of a degree. It took me eight years to get through college. I did soul-sucking clerical jobs for yeeeeeeeeears. I hear you. College may not be the answer, certificates may better serve, wish they'd been around when I was in college and working clerical jobs full time, I might have gone a different route.

I'm not ganging up on you with your therapist, but I get that about victimizing oneself for past mistakes. Everyone makes them at every age. They can be anchors that keeps one rooted in the past and unable to move forward and away from them. They can also be the subject of the statement, "Thank god that's over! Whew! What a doozy that one was!"

If it's your choice to drink the SN, I respect your choice. I respect if you posted and needed to vent and realize you need more time to think. I hear and respect that you feel like shit. I'll neither try to talk you out of or into anything. I don't give a shit about your mom's warped perspective and inability to keep her denigrating and ridiculous opinions to herself. I trust you to decide for yourself what's best for you. No reverse psychology here, just giving you respect that maybe you can't give yourself right now. I'd give it anyway.

If none of what I said was of any value, no big deal. This isn't about me, it's about you and my response to you. In this space, you come first.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

Why can't you go back? In my case I feel like I'm too old and nothings going to improve, and with my current mental state, I don't think I'll finish it tbh

My disability leaves me bedridden for 24hrs/day and even if my problem gets solved by a miracle I'm too old for college too. It's already too late for me. I have always wanted to attend college so I can only imagine how upset you'll feel about being too old for college.

 

[Living sucks]

Go to school to be a phlebotomist. I think less than a year. Then work at a lab drawing blood while you go to nursing school. Endless jobs to be had in this field and many hospitals offer to pay for schooling or part of it or give you lump sum if you commit to working for them after school. Traveling nurses make a lot of money. Or join the military if you can and get nursing degree there for free. Dental hygienist? These are trades not just random college and then What?

 

[Donk]

how are you supporting yourself right now if you dont have a job?

 

[faust]

@Mustkeyknow It would be a mistake for me to share such things because I am eternally broke.
But I will try.
Some people find it very attractive to work as a freelancer. I mean you work for people who live in expensive countries and you reside in a cheap country.
For example it is nearly impossible to survive on 1000 USD in some European countries, but it is a good amount, e.g. in SEA region, Eastern Europe.

Same you can do if you work as an ordinary seaman. You work for Europe/US/Canada, but live somewhere where it is a huge money. Crew is international anyway. It is a hard job, but allows you to travel and you can live wherever you want.

Reselling. A bit messy but that's how people make money too. Buy somewhere on alibaba or aliexpress and sell in your country. Saw some items bought on ali for 1,50 euro and sold for 10. That's crazy.

Small business. Very expensive and fragile, but still better than job.

 

[Quarky00]

Well, I can image college in 34 or a first job in 40 but not with this society.

Spot on . Few decades ago I had a psychology professor , she only started her Psychology BA at the age of 40 . Many people started from scratch and did well back then , things were different .

People are selfish and cruel, even our parents, our last hope.

Again spot on . Your concise post summed everything .

Go to school to be a phlebotomist. I think less than a year. Then work at a lab drawing blood while you go to nursing school. Endless jobs to be had in this field and many hospitals offer to pay for schooling or part of it or give you lump sum if you commit to working for them after school

That's actually a great idea , especially considering the current pandemic , need for more healthcare personal , and a probable increase in funding and demand for health services in the aftermath . I was just thinking about it today , that's why I was taken by your comment .

I just want a real, grown up job. I'm miserable, my past haunts me, and I just feel like if I go back to college then maybe doors will open for me but I'll be 40 by then, like who the f am I joking. And if there are ways to make money and feel fulfilled then do share because I am so lost here.

I think that's basically the sad state of affairs for 80% of working age population right now . Some people have Masters and can't get a decent job (even pre corona) . Something is fundamentally broken within our education/job systems . I think many people would do fine with making an earnest day's living even without a college degree or fulfilling their purpose , if they could make it on their own (and perhaps follow their dreams in their free time).

I hate it when you're fucked up from all directions and people say you're "victimizing yourself" . That's abusive . Like 'get up on your feet and stop crying' -- that's not therapy that's bullying !! This is our society's values. Individualism turned into basically 'fuck you & good luck'... Sad.

Sorry for digressing a bit . I totally empathize with you .

 

[rankinchris]

Why can't you go back? In my case I feel like I'm too old and nothings going to improve, and with my current mental state, I don't think I'll finish it tbh


I just want a real, grown up job. I'm miserable, my past haunts me, and I just feel like if I go back to college then maybe doors will open for me but I'll be 40 by then, like who the f am I joking. And if there are ways to make money and feel fulfilled then do share because I am so lost here.

DUDE, im 27 and an aircraft engineer, I have an apprentice at 38 ! Age is just a number !

 

[Mustkeyknow]

Do you have to have 6 yrs of college? or even 4 for a better job? Can it be less?

Totally not trying to convince you of anything, but was just curious.

I thought about doing a masters but I don't have the GPA for it, in my country the cheapest alternative would be college but it's five years. I also thought about certificates but I'm not sure they're powerful enough like a college degree. Either way I think it's too late, I want to go to a stem field in computer science but finishing at 40 my chances of getting hired are, slim to say the least

 

[Quarky00]

Small business. Very expensive and fragile, but still better than job.

Word of caution: this may not suit anxious/depressed/suicidal people
Forget about sick days , and when shit happens (corona) , good luck with that ...

However, despite spreading such awful pessimism (I'm honestly sorry for that!:) I'm not ruling out what you wrote , that was an insightful post , great ideas there

 

[Living sucks]

HVAC. Trade school Always hiring bcuz can't live without AC and heat in most of the country
Im sick now and can't work and would give anything to have health to have any job my life IS truly over

 

[Mustkeyknow]

What I'm about to say does not mean that I don't hear you!

I'm 49. I honestly can see going back to college at 34. I can see getting a clerical job at the same level in a field I was interested in, and getting a degree in that field because then my foot would be in the door, even if I didn't move up within that particular company. I could see doing that but getting certificates instead of a degree. It took me eight years to get through college. I did soul-sucking clerical jobs for yeeeeeeeeears. I hear you. College may not be the answer, certificates may better serve, wish they'd been around when I was in college and working clerical jobs full time, I might have gone a different route.

I'm not ganging up on you with your therapist, but I get that about victimizing oneself for past mistakes. Everyone makes them at every age. They can be anchors that keeps one rooted in the past and unable to move forward and away from them. They can also be the subject of the statement, "Thank god that's over! Whew! What a doozy that one was!"

If it's your choice to drink the SN, I respect your choice. I respect if you posted and needed to vent and realize you need more time to think. I hear and respect that you feel like shit. I'll neither try to talk you out of or into anything. I don't give a shit about your mom's warped perspective and inability to keep her denigrating and ridiculous opinions to herself. I trust you to decide for yourself what's best for you. No reverse psychology here, just giving you respect that maybe you can't give yourself right now. I'd give it anyway.

If none of what I said was of any value, no big deal. This isn't about me, it's about you and my response to you. In this space, you come first.

Thank you for your comment, it's lovely. the thing about past mistakes is that I have so much anger towards myself for not knowing any better, for not doing any better that I don't think I can live with that. Seeing everyone around me flourish and growing, and I'm stuck in my parents basement. It's just hard and I wish these times were over, hence the suicidal ideation. I feel ok for one minute and then shit for days. It doesn't feel like I can realistically recover from this.

how are you supporting yourself right now if you dont have a job?

I do have a job but it isn't the greatest job in the world. I'm an assistant buyer for a robotics company. It's a lot of work so it keeps me entertained at least, but with the whole corona thing I'm working from home and back to feeling like crap.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I seriously would kill to go back to school, but haven't got the finances for it. And im older than you. I don't think you're ever to old to learn. On the hiring part, you're maybe right, but as far as i can see even that is changing. People live longer, have to work longer age is not as a huge thing as a few years back.

But if you really feel you have to go, i wish you love and warmth

 

[Mustkeyknow]

DUDE, im 27 and an aircraft engineer, I have an apprentice at 38 ! Age is just a number !

I wish I was 27, or an engineer. But I can't turn back time, and yeah age is just a number. Unfortunately employers do pay attention to that specific number especially in computer science. I'm sure your job is a lot of fun though .

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

the thing about past mistakes is that I have so much anger towards myself for not knowing any better

You said in the OP you know you need to be kinder to yourself but can't. I'm sorry to hear that's what you're dealing with right now.

Something that helped me, maybe it will help you maybe not, because maybe you hate babies and that's okay, but would you hate a baby for not knowing how to walk? Or a child for not knowing how to cook a gourmet meal? Of a pre-teen for not knowing how to drive a car?

One can't know what they don't know until they learn it, usually by experience.

You don't have to necessarily kind to yourself, but maybe you can cut yourself just a little bit of slack?

From what your mom said I'm sensing that was the tip of the iceberg, and I wonder if you developed perfection issues like giving up on things before you start because you won't hit some ideal or master it instantly.

If you choose to go on living a little longer and are interested in a different kind of my-parents-were-shit book, I highly recommend books by Patricia Evans, and the book So You Had Controlling Parents.

Again, not trying to force anything on you. I really appreciate that you responded, and I honor that.

 

[Busdriver]

I thought about doing a masters but I don't have the GPA for it, in my country the cheapest alternative would be college but it's five years. I also thought about certificates but I'm not sure they're powerful enough like a college degree. Either way I think it's too late, I want to go to a stem field in computer science but finishing at 40 my chances of getting hired are, slim to say the least

With certificates in computer science people will hire you, regardless of age. Same with (under)graduate degrees obtained in your 30's/40's. It is a self-limiting belief people have that they won't be hired if they are 'too old'. I had that belief too, so I know how it feels like.
I am past 30 for a while now, and I did a SQL/Database extensive course a few years ago and to this day I am still approached for jobs in this field. I always say 'no', because I suffer too much from depression, insomnia and other stuff.

If you really think computer science will help you further in life and you think you are up for those jobs, you should go for it. But that can only work if you can overcome your mental disorders. It is tough thinking material..

 

[Quarky00]

I want to go to a stem field in computer science but finishing at 40 my chances of getting hired are, slim to say the least

employers do pay attention to that specific number especially in computer science

Software development?

You don't need a college degree for that.... It's not easy. Maybe you can't and won't make it. But saying it's "impossible" in that field is not realistic. It's a fatalistic view, though I don't doubt the dire debilitating mental state it stems from

 

[reapandsow918]

No pressure on going back to college. I know the feeling of not wanting to go back to school. If you decide to CTB I hope you pass peacefully.

 

[Mustkeyknow]

I seriously would kill to go back to school, but haven't got the finances for it. And im older than you. I don't think you're ever to old to learn. On the hiring part, you're maybe right, but as far as i can see even that is changing. People live longer, have to work longer age is not as a huge thing as a few years back.

But if you really feel you have to go, i wish you love and warmth

Thank you, I'm just so frustrated with myself I can't breathe. I wish I had done things differently. I guess everyone on this forum feels the same way

With certificates in computer science people will hire you, regardless of age. Same with (under)graduate degrees obtained in your 30's/40's. It is a self-limiting belief people have that they won't be hired if they are 'too old'. I had that belief too, so I know how it feels like.
I am past 30 for a while now, and I did a SQL/Database extensive course a few years ago and to this day I am still approached for jobs in this field. I always say 'no', because I suffer too much from depression, insomnia and other stuff.

If you really think computer science will help you further in life and you think you are up for those jobs, you should go for it. But that can only work if you can overcome your mental disorders. It is tough thinking material..

i tried doing some courses online but I'm so upset with myself I can't concentrate, I just keep thinking all the what if's. And it is hard, very very hard. With my current mental state I'm not up for the challenge.

I'm sorry you're going through depression and insomnia, shit is debilitating as fuck. I hope you get better.

Software development?

You don't need a college degree for that.... It's not easy. Maybe you can't and won't make it. But saying it's "impossible" in that field is not realistic. It's a fatalistic view, though I don't doubt the dire debilitating mental state it stems from

I meant computer science, i honestly don't know if it's the same thing, I'm not an engineer. But I know it's hard especially after everything I've been through. I tried to do some online courses and I just don't get it. I feel like I need college to have a teacher explain shit to me. It's s hard.

 

[Alec]

Your mom sounds like a fucking stupid bitch(no offense to you) she is an incompetent person and very much unfit to be a mother if she says things like that!!! About everything else, you sound like a superhero, I'm sorry you find this to be the best choice for you but whatever your final decision is I support you and your right to make it, I want you to know I'm with you and I'm thinking about you and I love you!!! So much!!!

 

[faust]

Word of caution: this may not suit anxious/depressed/suicidal people
Forget about sick days , and when shit happens (corona) , good luck with that ...

However, despite spreading such awful pessimism (I'm honestly sorry for that!:) I'm not ruling out what you wrote , that was an insightful post , great ideas there

A cheaper and more safe alternative - business online. The hit of the season - face masks and respirators. The worst thing for suicidal people would be NYSE/NASDAQ. Especially if you are bipolar. Or playing poker. Need to be very cold-minded to deal with these things