Discussion SN attempt update ❤ f*ckkk

[_battered_butterfly_]

Took my antiemetics.. Benzo... Propranolol...

Got
1/4 C water...
25 G SN
Mixed my SN and was getting ready to leave my house with my mint gum and supplies for my outdoor exit ... when my door flew open.

My fiance. (He is also referred to as hubby in some posts... 14 years but no real marriage will do that to you)

I was frozen in fear. I started crying... this was this morning and I didn't expect him home so soon. Maybe 7 p.m. or later.
He was NOT to find me and definitely not before drinking my SN.

"He said... Come on... We are going to the hospital. NOW.
I was shocked... How... How did He know...

I still had SN drink in hand, cloudiness faded and it was basically looking like water with a slight yellow tint by now...

Fuckkk... I should have just chugged it. He wouldn't have known what it was.

But he grabbed me by my shoulders and it almost spilled and I was worried about my cats licking it up ... So I shouted "BE CAREFUL IT'S POISON." Which I regret.

I got all my stuff ready to CTB today and flipped ... began the process and freaking flipped. Everything moved soo fast.

I acted too f*cking soon. But I just felt like It Couldn't wait.
I didn't even say anything to him. Nothing.
A few I love you's like every morning and a small talk about withdrawing stimmy money for the down payment on this house...
He just had... a feeling.

My 2nd batch of SN came via Mail while the ambulance was at my House.

Oh. Why they were there?
After I yelled my cup was full of poison and to not spill on cats...

He asked if I drank any. Still not knowing what it was... I said no just sone meds to relax me which made him call 911 and he reported an overdose.

I had taken 4 benzos ... 4 antiemetic and 4 Beta Blockers by that time and was feeling good about my drink. Not nauseous or NUTHIN... Was sooo damn ready and calm with my shit.

Was Nervous this AM I admit
.. But total calm as I got my shit ready once everyone was gone for work and school and I was alone.

And then his intuition came and busted it all up...

I should have we to a hotel as planned. Was gunna walk there with my Supplies... Could have checked in with cash ... No ID or Moped. I live 7 blocks away. The morning was cool. I could have. Why the hell didn't I

Now... I am strapped into a wheelchair in a medieval looking medical van for this driving Agency called Guardian... Heading to a psych hospital an hr and 15 away from my home town... because the one at home is being redecorated...

Hoping we crash before I get there... Or at least someone rams my side in this big city traffic...

Oh yeah... Soooo... Ambulance raided my cabinets before they took me. Took every med I ever owned or hoarded... Found my 1st bottle of SN. Took it.

The 2nd bottle that showed up in the mail, my 19 year old step daughter took and disposed of apparently per phone call 10 min ago.

However... Initial bottle of SN from cabinet... They have it in a bag of my meds wrapped in my shirt and it is headed out of town WITH me. I see nothing in my Notes about taking or even contemplation with SN.

So I won't mention it here.


Not sure how long I will be here.
Maybe I will find hope. Part of me hopes I DO...
Or...

maybe they will make an error and send the bottle back with me with my current meds when I check out.

I pray both happen honestly.

Hope... AND possibility.

And... We have arrived at hospital.
I am out lovelies.

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

Shit. Sorry this has happened to you.
This is why I will keep my suicidal ideation an utter secret.

Also my advice to people out there is if you gonna do it, you should do it after 1.00 AM as everyone is mostly asleep at that time. People will less likely to check on you.

 

[alittlehuman_]

jesus christ i feel planet of the apes

and this is why i was fucked to begin with because i do monkey business and i require company which means i am more evolved and the monkeys i did know I could easily give the slip. no chasing and forcing me to live. if any i ever loved want to die we work it out and i would be there to help. they determine worth and i say nothing about me only about hurt heart

 

[popcorn]

its odd how he knew. i bet he has maybe seen you on this site or something

 

[MrAsclepius]

Goodluck. Atleast you were not discovered shortly after enough to have brain damage, like some do after suspension. Your partner cares for you, do not take it for granted.

 

[Lost Magic]

Sound like you have a loving family. Damn shame you are still suicidal even with people who really care about you. I stayed around for my beautiful mother, but when she died a big part of me went also.

 

[MuccaFelice]

Also my advice to people out there is if you gonna do it, you should do it after 1.00 AM as everyone is mostly asleep at that time. People will less likely to check on you.

I thought that the best way would be doing it in an abandoned building in the morning, to take advantage of the fasting done overnight and to not raise any suspect since you could just be going to work.

 

[_battered_butterfly_]

Sound like you have a loving family. Damn shame you are still suicidal even with people who really care about you. I stayed around for my beautiful mother, but when she died a big part of me went also.

It is a damn shame. In fact, It causes me GREAT shame AND guilt every single day that I feel this way...
Like... "Just snap out of it. Look at what you have to be thankful for..." I have been depressed since I was a Child. Abused. Neglected... Never got the help I needed and Now I am 30 and Don't even know where to begin.
On top of debilitating health issues and progressively worsening mental health.
I am obsessed with death for myself and the inevitable death of others... (Paranoia and intrusive thoughts of my three family members dying within the next 3 years) and I don't see myself coming out on the other side of this. I wish I could.
I am trying...
This feeling still lingers.
Some days, it's consuming.

Yes. It's a damn shame.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Yikes....hell of a morning there. Light hearted-ness aside, glad you're ok. I guess just live day by day and see how you feel. Terrible what you had to go through and I am so sorry it went down like that.