Venting Small vent on 29 years of pointless existence ~ CTB deadline fast approaching.

[Lo$t95]

Feeling a lot of weight on my chest recently tying up loose ends leading up to CTB deadline before turning 30. Hard to breathe sometimes then numb for a few days and then loneliness hits like a brick wall again. Method is secured just no sense of impending relief accompanied it.

Approaching 30 feels so shameful. Like crawling down a path closer to a shadowy figure representing a landmark in your life and it simply looks down at me with disgust. 15 year old me standing so far behind looking on wondering why I even bothered persevering this far through life.

I knew from a young age this was never going to be a life worth living. The ending was always the same destination and delaying it accomplished less than nothing. I will just be an older looking corpse now. I fucking hate myself so much its unreal.

 

[lawlietsph]

I feel you. I'll turn 29 in february. Almost 30 years of awful existence, being a waste of space, oxygen, food, water, everything.
I was just a little child yesterday, it feels sooooo wrong to be old. Nothing matters and it hurts to live in this generation.

 

[Moroze]

I relate to this so much. False hope was my coping mechanism. I thought that false hope was better than none. I was wrong. I should have done it when I was 16. Ever since I turned 16, I developed severe OCD. I'm 21 now, and I really don't want to see another Christmas. I made every possible wrong decision in my life. I should have died back then, in that hotel, but I didn't follow the protocol as it was impulsive, so it didn't work out. I felt guilty and went home, and now I feel guilty for still being here and burdening everyone with my problems. That's how I like to think of my inevitable end: why would I change something that was already pre-written?

 

[hiddenbpd]

Feeling a lot of weight on my chest recently tying up loose ends leading up to CTB deadline before turning 30. Hard to breathe sometimes then numb for a few days and then loneliness hits like a brick wall again. Method is secured just no sense of impending relief accompanied it.

Approaching 30 feels so shameful. Like crawling down a path closer to a shadowy figure representing a landmark in your life and it simply looks down at me with disgust. 15 year old me standing so far behind looking on wondering why I even bothered persevering this far through life.

I knew from a young age this was never going to be a life worth living. The ending was always the same destination and delaying it accomplished less than nothing. I will just be an older looking corpse now. I fucking hate myself so much its unreal.

I feel like I could've wrote this myself. I resonate so much. I too, am 29, turning 30 in 3 months. I have chosen my 30th birthday as a date to leave. I am also unsure why I've come this far to just keep feeling the same.
People seem to say they found themselves in their 30s. I'm not even sure that's something I want to experience. I've seen enough of this place to know I don't want to see any more.

 

[Lo$t95]

I feel like I could've wrote this myself. I resonate so much. I too, am 29, turning 30 in 3 months. I have chosen my 30th birthday as a date to leave. I am also unsure why I've come this far to just keep feeling the same.
People seem to say they found themselves in their 30s. I'm not even sure that's something I want to experience. I've seen enough of this place to know I don't want to see any more.

Yeah I just don't trust optimistic people, no clue what world they are living in tbh so it just is what it is…

30 is a hard deadline like worst case scenario for me but I am ahead of schedule with wrapping things up here. Soon it will be time to sign out for good. If we don't speak again best of luck CTB

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see my existence as pointless, my existence will always be dreadful, pointless suffering no matter what but anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[Lo$t95]

I also see my existence as pointless, my existence will always be dreadful, pointless suffering no matter what but anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find the relief you search for.

Losing my mind honestly. It's getting to the point where I just close my eyes let my mind go blank and just nothing for a while… death is sweet it's pure and it's desirable. Choosing death ~~~~ I am soooo thankful I have the choice like imagine how hard life would be if we were immortal alcohol has really dumbed me down probably for the best. Being self aware is painful fuck life fuck it to hell kill me please. I don't want to beg.