meaningisgone
Student
- Feb 17, 2019
- 112
Well, last night was the first time since probably March when suicidal thoughts slithered back into my consciousness.
A downward spiral began on July 4 of this year. It was the weirdest thing. I had some kind of episode where I completely lost the ability to move my arms and legs. I collapsed in public and couldn't get off the ground or move anything but my head. I went into shock and became delirious and was taken to the ER. They had no idea what happened to me. My vitals were perfect and not congruent with any of their diagnostics. After I regained my ability to move my limbs, they sent me home without any answers. I went to the doctor and he was no help either; in fact the appointment was incredibly frustrating. There just doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me, except there definitely is. This past month I've been overwhelmed by fatigue, dizziness, and weakness. I haven't been able to work since the incident on the 4th, and I've become a bit of a shut in. I try to get out for walks and try to be social, but I have this constant sense that I am being pulled towards the ground like the ground is a magnet. I have some appointments coming up that I hope shed some light on things.
I've also had an increased sense of appetite since the 4th, so I've been putting on weight combined with the laziness. I also feel like drinking alcohol and doing drugs for the wrong reasons lately.
I feel myself getting sucked back into the abyss.
I've struggled with overeating and addiction in general a lot in life. A lot of times when I give in to those compulsions, I do it just to stop the compulsions because the compulsions themselves end up insanity inducing.
I could see myself committing suicide just to stop the compulsion to commit suicide in a similar way. I've gone through this too much in the past. I don't want to go into full blown suicidal life again. I'd almost rather just end my life before it gets any worse.
But I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't care about living on some level. This forum has been a source of positivity for me before. So that's why I'm here.
I don't know what else to say right now. I'm just at a loss.
A downward spiral began on July 4 of this year. It was the weirdest thing. I had some kind of episode where I completely lost the ability to move my arms and legs. I collapsed in public and couldn't get off the ground or move anything but my head. I went into shock and became delirious and was taken to the ER. They had no idea what happened to me. My vitals were perfect and not congruent with any of their diagnostics. After I regained my ability to move my limbs, they sent me home without any answers. I went to the doctor and he was no help either; in fact the appointment was incredibly frustrating. There just doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me, except there definitely is. This past month I've been overwhelmed by fatigue, dizziness, and weakness. I haven't been able to work since the incident on the 4th, and I've become a bit of a shut in. I try to get out for walks and try to be social, but I have this constant sense that I am being pulled towards the ground like the ground is a magnet. I have some appointments coming up that I hope shed some light on things.
I've also had an increased sense of appetite since the 4th, so I've been putting on weight combined with the laziness. I also feel like drinking alcohol and doing drugs for the wrong reasons lately.
I feel myself getting sucked back into the abyss.
I've struggled with overeating and addiction in general a lot in life. A lot of times when I give in to those compulsions, I do it just to stop the compulsions because the compulsions themselves end up insanity inducing.
I could see myself committing suicide just to stop the compulsion to commit suicide in a similar way. I've gone through this too much in the past. I don't want to go into full blown suicidal life again. I'd almost rather just end my life before it gets any worse.
But I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't care about living on some level. This forum has been a source of positivity for me before. So that's why I'm here.
I don't know what else to say right now. I'm just at a loss.
