Venting Sleepless night

[BodyOfDaffodil]

Today was a long day. I spent most of it on the dingy little couch I sleep on. A part of me feels empty to know that my siblings are still able to have their parents in their lives while I rot away in some Catholic household I can't stand. It's always 'Daffodil this, Daffodil that. Daffodil you need to do this and Daffodil you should do that.' its never how are you feeling and do you need a hug? I get worked around here like Cinderella and I'm getting sick of it. It reminds me of living with my father who I cannot stand. All I ever seem to do is work and feed my SH addiction.


I wonder if one day I'll be well enough to look back at my life and think that I managed to get through it okay. However I don't even think I'll live long enough to stay. Not only has my family abandoned me but so did God when he let harm come to me as a child. Never before had I cried out his name so loud and begged to be pure again. Only to realise now that the rosary I wear around my neck and kiss every night is just a piece of jewellery with a make believe meaning.

Because if there is a God and he is everything holy and good. Then why did he let my father do those things to my little body? Make me lose the ability to ever had children and scar my skin beyond repair? Where is the justice for young Daffodil? Where is the love for young Daffodil? Where are her parents? No one knows. And no one cares.

It seems all I'll ever be good for in this life is being a working horse and paying the bills. Never before had anyone kissed me or held me, rubbed my hair and told me that I do matter and belong. I remember I used to beg for just a small pat on the head, or that if I was told I was worth as much as a pinch of dirt I would be happy. Yet no one ever did. It's a sickening feeling really to see these families out in public with their children in arms. There's a hole in my chest where family is suppose to exist and has been vacant since I was born.

At times I wish my mother was Kronus, having wished she would have devoured me to erase me from this life I lead. The road ahead looks dark and shallow, and seems as though I will become another statisic.

 

[MrDarkness]

I stoped praying to god years ago, I do believe he exists, Im sorry you have to go through those horrible incidents, I can't say anything to ease the pain and I can't say life gets better, but I do hope your able to find peace in life or death, I fucking hate how unlucky people get when born

 

[Konnsz]

It happens, they are only worried on what you can offer and it's so demoralizing in all aspects, I'm sorry you went through that, no one deserves it.

I used to believe god existed.... Now, i just don't care anymore, I don't have the energy to care about something that has been away my whole life

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @BodyOfDaffodil,
Your parents neglected their most important duty,
To give care for you, whose soul has immense beauty.
I'm so sorry, if you feel like you are alive just to pay the bills.

If I could show you somebody loves you.
If I could show love can be true.
If I could believe Our Lord was crucified on the hill,
To save you, Daffodil.

May Daffodil be able to feel love.
Please send her a dove.
This might be a stupid plea,
But Lord, please set her free.


I don't know if you still have faith, so my words might be stupid and if it is the case I'm sorry.
But I couldn't keep myself from attempting to send you a hug over the internet.

Thanks for reading and no matter what you choose, I wish you the best

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you've been through, it's horrible how humans create so much harm in this hellish world, existence truly is so hellish. I personally don't believe there could ever be a God, existing is just meaningless and unnecessary suffering with no deeper purpose behind it.