Sitting here and thinking

[escapefromabuse]

Sitting here and thinking. I've been through a lot in the last 10 years. My ability to cope with it has reached its critical point. The trauma, the loss, the rejection, etc. I could end It tonight. The pain, confusion, worry...all of it.

 

[faust]

I often say that to myself, I want to end it as quickly as possible. But have to be patient, because I have a plan...
I am sorry, life is a torture for you too. It is a struggle to stay there for every single day... But are you ready for this?

 

[sickInsominic42]

Planning it out makes it better than doing it on a whim. Not that I'm saying your doing it on a whim but you get what I mean. I have everything planned out down to the place of my cremation. Mostly because I don't want to burden my shitty family with having to do it

 

[foreverbroken28]

I have those same thoughts but am specific about *how* I want to transition.

Are you considering CTB tonight or are you simply contemplating?

Also -- Do you mind how you go? (The pain/discomfort) factor?

 

[faust]

Planning it out makes it better than doing it on a whim. Not that I'm saying your doing it on a whim but you get what I mean. I have everything planned out down to the place of my cremation. Mostly because I don't want to burden my shitty family with having to do it

All my plans failed, maybe this will be the only one I succeed in, who knows...

 

[sickInsominic42]

Well whatever your decision is just know we are all here if you need us. We will get through whatever you decide together so you are not alone

 

[escapefromabuse]

I originally planned to go on the 11th but I postponed it for a few days. I don't feel any better, and in fact I feel worse today. I have letters written and in envelopes, my money is taken care of, and I have emails for the rest.

 

[faust]

I originally planned to go on the 11th but I postponed it for a few days. I don't feel any better, and in fact I feel worse today. I have letters written and in envelopes, my money is taken care of, and I have emails for the rest.

That's very painful to hear you don't get better... I hope you find your peace no matter what your decision is.

 

[sickInsominic42]

Sounds like you do have a plan. I have written out letters as well. I've just been waiting for my birthday March 26 to do it
Do you feel comfortable talking about your reasons? If not I'm okay with that. I'm just curious.

 

[escapefromabuse]

Sounds like you do have a plan. I have written out letters as well. I've just been waiting for my birthday March 26 to do it
Do you feel comfortable talking about your reasons? If not I'm okay with that. I'm just curious.

Yeah I have a plan-ish. I've never been happy in my life. Ever. I've had thoughts of suicide going way back to my teen years, some self-harm and some impulsive attempts.

I thought until last year I'd at least achieved my dreams: a family and a house in the suburbs. That came crashing down and it's been chaos ever since then.

 

[sickInsominic42]

I'm sorry to hear that. I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't feel suicidal. Even as a child I wanted to die. I didn't start self having until I was ten and I've been doing it ever since to get me through this life. It must be hard for you. I sympathize with you greatly.

 

[escapefromabuse]

I have those same thoughts but am specific about *how* I want to transition.

Are you considering CTB tonight or are you simply contemplating?

Also -- Do you mind how you go? (The pain/discomfort) factor?

I'm seriously considering going tonight. I can't get out of my head. How I go will be peaceful with minimal discomfort.

 

[sickInsominic42]

Burning charcoal and taking sleeping medicine. But you have to be in an insulated room and probably want to wear goggles so your eyes won't burn from the smoke.

Burning charcoal and taking sleeping medicine. But you have to be in an insulated room and probably want to wear goggles so your eyes won't burn from the smoke.

It's the least painful way I've fine alot of research on it. But I'm thinking about oding and partial hanging simultaneously because I don't have a place to use the charcoal

 

[escapefromabuse]

Burning charcoal and taking sleeping medicine. But you have to be in an insulated room and probably want to wear goggles so your eyes won't burn from the smoke.

It's the least painful way I've fine alot of research on it. But I'm thinking about oding and partial hanging simultaneously because I don't have a place to use the charcoal

I've heard good things about CO. I've chosen sn and have everything I need except that final push over the ledge.

 

[sickInsominic42]

I'm not here to push you into it nor to talk you out of it. But if your unsure then what's the harm in waiting until tomorrow.. but if you do decide to do it tonight then I'll be here for you till the end

 

[escapefromabuse]

I'm not here to push you into it nor to talk you out of it. But if your unsure then what's the harm in waiting until tomorrow.. but if you do decide to do it tonight then I'll be here for you till the end

Thank you. A lot of times I *know* I'm ready and then hesitate. I don't see much hope for my future though so I'm not what the holdup is. Survival instinct probably.

 

[sickInsominic42]

Thank you. A lot of times I *know* I'm ready and then hesitate. I don't see much hope for my future though so I'm not what the holdup is. Survival instinct probably.

Besides your survival instinct, maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you still have something you need to do

Besides your survival instinct, maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you still have something you need to do

But I know what you mean. I'm percent certain that I'm ready to die. I just haven't done it yet

 

[escapefromabuse]

Besides your survival instinct, maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you still have something you need to do

But I know what you mean. I'm percent certain that I'm ready to die. I just haven't done it yet

I have kids I don't want to leave behind. That's a big reason but I also deal with alienation from the other side so it's extremely hard. Add in a less than supportive family and yeah I feel terrible all day every day.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm so sorry things are bad for you. I hope you are able to hold on for your children's sake, and that it gets better for you.