about a month ago my soulmate chose to ctb. About two years ago I made my dream come true to travel to a certain country, and I was in a 9 year relationship with mental abuse. I had already given up on life getting better, but when I, with the help of my family, made my dream come true I met the love of my life. He saved me and everything that happened felt like destiny. We both knew it, and we both felt it. We told each other many times, even if other people around me didn't believe me or us. We were both waiting for each other and we found it. For two years we were building towards a future where I would move to his country and we were planning to get married this may. But just two weeks before my departure he told me he was thinking about ctb. He felt like a burden to me and his family, and if he continued like this he would only become more of a burden he told me. I tried to do everything I could and follow the steps to understand what was going on and listen to him, trying to help. But I was so far away and I could only do so much, I couldn't go to him. When we lost contact I contacted his friends and family, but it was already too late. After three days of worrying I finally got the message he was found. A few days later I flew to his country for the funeral, and now I'm at his parents house for three months. Everyone is so kind to me, even though everyone is hurting. They all keep saying to go on and live, that his memory will always be with us, but for me, my reason to live has died with him. Everyone has either already lived a long live and is together with their loved one, but my whole future has slipped through my fingers. The only reason I worked so hard these past two years and could perservere anything, was because of him and our future. I'm getting tired of fighting all my life, perservering through all the hard times and shitty things that keep happening. I'm already too tired. For me, there is no future left. I don't see the point anymore, living with a pain like this is something I don't have the strenght for anymore. There is no reason for me left to continue anymore, if it's like this.
I know nobody around me really understands, and I can't talk about it with anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I've lived my life for others for so long, and building a future with him was the one thing I chose for myself. I've had to be so strong for so long, but if this is what I get, then I don't see the point of being strong anymore.
I know there are many more things I want to say, but for now I just want to share this story.
I know nobody around me really understands, and I can't talk about it with anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I've lived my life for others for so long, and building a future with him was the one thing I chose for myself. I've had to be so strong for so long, but if this is what I get, then I don't see the point of being strong anymore.
I know there are many more things I want to say, but for now I just want to share this story.
