Venting Sick of being a dysfunctional person

[Chemical Animal]

I've been lazy and tired for as long as I can remember, whatever my routine/daily life is I just do it on autopilot. But this autopilot drains any and every vitality out of my body to the point I forget to shower and brush my teeth and go to the bathroom and make my meals etc etc

I'm so unstable to the point I'm unable to have any ambitions. Every time I try to accomplish anything something happens and ruins everything, test for a college? My memory erases itself. Job interview? My mood gets so depressed that I can't speak clearly and I lose all confidence in my skills and experiences. Make a project/essay to deliver? Procrastination, not knowing what to do, what to write about, feeling extreme anxiety etc. When it isn't my body and mind failing in the crucial moments, it's the world somehow conspiring against me, people letting me down, heavy traffic, public transportation being shitty etc.

And when I finally accomplish anything at all it's either not being worth all the effort (underpaid/inappropriately rewarded) or not having any satisfaction for working so hard on stuff other people get done effortlessly.

I rarely plan anything anymore bc nothing go as planned, there's always unforeseen events getting in the way. I'm so lazy and tired that I can't even plan my method. In fact, I don't want to CTB, I want someone else to kill me, someone to blow my brains out with a shotgun, to chop my head off with a guillotine or whatever.

This life must be a very bad dream. If it is, why does this nightmare never end and I never wake up from it? If it's real, why can't I just go to sleep and never, ever wake up again?

 

[TheHuman]

Jeez man, I hope that you can get the peace you desire. I have been where ive been, but just know one day all us will die, and no one will remember anything and all time will become meaningless at the heat death of the universe. I hope that can give you some comfort.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm always in that headspace, but a way to cope for me at least is to listen to music, or to keep going to learn more about this cured/lovely world. I found people need purpose, no matter how small, it keeps the mine focused and off things. Best of luck, I hope your life becomes better and your able to find joy in the world

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see existence as being so nightmarish, to me having the ability to exist here is such an undeserved cruel punishment, and a torturous burden, I find it tragic how people continue to force life here, the compassionate thing would be to leave the non-existent alone in peace. But anyway it sounds so awful what you have to endure, I find it so horrible how there isn't the option to just never wake again and instantly forget about this existence.