An hero of our time
Не для меня
- Apr 17, 2019
- 34
This is the question.
First, i want to apologise for my far-from-perfect English. It's gonna be a long post and i fear that it'll be too hard to read.
Second, i'd make this decision by myself, and i ultimately will, but there are number of factors that cloud my mind.
Now i'm going to tell you my story keeping it short and simple best i can. Please do keep in mind that this is story of me feeling better and worse than ever in my life.
Oh and one more factor to consider: her friend's boyfriend. He left said friend for another girl and then tried to get back to great annoyence of them both. I know she's thinking this two situations are similar.
I know my chances are zero. But should it even stop me? I know it will kill what little dignity i have left, but shouldn't i spit on it?
I've got my SN. Have benzos. Started regimen this morning. If i'm to text her i'll do it after my last pill of meto. If i fail, i'll just take it and go to my bed.
Thank you for listening if you made it this far. Thank you for replying if you did it.
First, i want to apologise for my far-from-perfect English. It's gonna be a long post and i fear that it'll be too hard to read.
Second, i'd make this decision by myself, and i ultimately will, but there are number of factors that cloud my mind.
- These thoughts hurt. I can't think even somewhat rationally (if i can use this word in such situation)
- I'm really tired both physically and mental. I can't get asleep because of these thoughts, and mental tiredness is a kind of tiredness that sleep won't fix. I feel like my feelings and thoughts lost their edge. They're not sharp anymore.
- This all make me feel that i'm missing or overlooking something, thus result in need of outside POW, which i hope you will provide.
Now i'm going to tell you my story keeping it short and simple best i can. Please do keep in mind that this is story of me feeling better and worse than ever in my life.
It all started i think in February of 2018. I've joined public discord server to find some people to have fun with online. I found them, but to my surprise i found someone that was more on the same wave with me than others.
On Marth-April we've been chatting extesively, played games together and really enjoyed spending our time this way. The more time people spend together, the more they know about each other, even if it's just online, and i loved absolutely every detail i learned about her.
In the middle of April we've been playing as during any other evening. Friend of mine suddenly showed up with bottle of scotch and said "let's smash this one". I told her that i've just got something to do and will be back in maybe 5 hours, so she can disconnect if she wants to.
When i returned shamelessly drunk i was surprised that she didn't disconnect, so i texted her and awkwardly confessed that i like her.
Next day she texted back and said that she's not what i think she are, that she can't give me what i would want from her and that she can't be loved. She got drunk in that process too.
"If you are Wherther you need a Charlotte to love. I'm no Charlotte".
I dismissed all of this and made an apology for such behavior. Then i told her to forget all of this and just keep playing and be friends. She agreed.
I felt incredibly shitty afterwards. Drank everything that was at my home, made one of the longest and deepest scars on my arm (selfharm), was overall downed.
It all continued after this as it was before. I learned more about her, and she learned more about me. We started to support each other with our everyday struggle. I used to take pics of everything i found even mildly interesting and she like them. Soon i've been taking walks to various places around my home just to take pics and show them to her.
May-June were months of final exams in the highschool. I didn't care about them and about my life in general. Opening textbook once a week just to make shure i'm not gonna completely fail them is ok. But in beginning of May i learned that she's living in the city in which i can potentially get in university. I said to myself "Fuck it, this is the chance i waited all my life. I will not make peace with whole world if i fail it".
I threw all myself and every my resource in studing, including time. I apologised to her and said that i'll be busy preparing for exams and couldn't play or chat as long as was able to. It was tough time, i was sitting with textbooks even in bus going to additional courses.
I'm getting so fucking angry remembering all of this hold on. I really shouldn't smoke at home at home smell is afwul. But It's only way i'm not screaming as wounded animal.
So, it did payed off in the end. I went from C student to top of my class and passed exams better than anyone. Just in one month. I had chances to get in unis in that city. My parents were pround and classmates that were favorites for teachers were so jealous they refused to shake hands with me.
We got really close as the rest of summer was passing by. She meant everything to me, and i meant a lot for her as well. I started to value life and all good things in it. I can't even open my window now to let this smell off because hummingbirds brings all this memories back, and however hurtful they are i don't want to let them go.
On 25 of July i arrived in that city. I kept my plans in secret before this. I didn't even asked for her photo before this, and she turned up to be very pretty if not beautiful. She's embraced me, and i felt like i was holding entire world in my hands.
"Shopenhauer made mistake. We do live in best of possible worlds after all"
But in 25 of August i fucked some things up. Not gonna provide lot's of details. As she said, it was awful, but not complete armageddon. But i got really scared that i'm gonna lose her. I tried to lick this wound, but i'm only worsened it. "I said that i was dissappointed, but now i'm really dissappointed".
She tried to cope with it, but couldn't. In beginning of September she said that she's not my girlfriend anymore. "I'm tired". However, she said that i'm still a very valuable person for her and she'd want to keep me but thought that leaving completely was for my own good. I talked her out of it, and she was glad that she can still be very close friend to. And she talked me out of immediate suicide then.
Now imagine me trying to lick THIS wounds for 4 months and completely mad and crazy.
First, i tried to straightforward reignate this. Failed.
Second, i tried to rationally allude her back. Failed.
Then she said that there's someone who will love me just as she did.
Tried to get someone from dating sites. Not because i really wanted it, but because i thought that if she said it, it mught be a good idea. Met with two girls, overall experience with them was repugnant and i ended with both of them. Failed.
Tried to get help from psychotherapist. Failed.
Then i set a date for ctb on 31st of December. Obviously, failed. But how it failed, oh...
Every time i strucked conversations on this topic i hurt her so much. It was irritation to her for 4 months straight. But in the end she begged me to not to die.
In night of 31 of December i said goodbye to everyone i knew and got drunk as fuck. Someone told her and she showed up. Stopped me from doing so. But i hurt her in the process. A lot. Of course, i didn't want to, it was accidentaly and becaouse i was dead drunk. I don't remember any of this.
As i woke up i looked at my screen and read "So long, and thanks for all the fish"
I tried to jump from my window, but couldn't. I slit my wrists, but messed it up as i was drunk.
She deleted me from all social media and i haven't heard a word from her after this.
Mom showed up and took me back to the town i grew up. Now i'm here.
On Marth-April we've been chatting extesively, played games together and really enjoyed spending our time this way. The more time people spend together, the more they know about each other, even if it's just online, and i loved absolutely every detail i learned about her.
In the middle of April we've been playing as during any other evening. Friend of mine suddenly showed up with bottle of scotch and said "let's smash this one". I told her that i've just got something to do and will be back in maybe 5 hours, so she can disconnect if she wants to.
When i returned shamelessly drunk i was surprised that she didn't disconnect, so i texted her and awkwardly confessed that i like her.
Next day she texted back and said that she's not what i think she are, that she can't give me what i would want from her and that she can't be loved. She got drunk in that process too.
"If you are Wherther you need a Charlotte to love. I'm no Charlotte".
I dismissed all of this and made an apology for such behavior. Then i told her to forget all of this and just keep playing and be friends. She agreed.
I felt incredibly shitty afterwards. Drank everything that was at my home, made one of the longest and deepest scars on my arm (selfharm), was overall downed.
It all continued after this as it was before. I learned more about her, and she learned more about me. We started to support each other with our everyday struggle. I used to take pics of everything i found even mildly interesting and she like them. Soon i've been taking walks to various places around my home just to take pics and show them to her.
May-June were months of final exams in the highschool. I didn't care about them and about my life in general. Opening textbook once a week just to make shure i'm not gonna completely fail them is ok. But in beginning of May i learned that she's living in the city in which i can potentially get in university. I said to myself "Fuck it, this is the chance i waited all my life. I will not make peace with whole world if i fail it".
I threw all myself and every my resource in studing, including time. I apologised to her and said that i'll be busy preparing for exams and couldn't play or chat as long as was able to. It was tough time, i was sitting with textbooks even in bus going to additional courses.
I'm getting so fucking angry remembering all of this hold on. I really shouldn't smoke at home at home smell is afwul. But It's only way i'm not screaming as wounded animal.
So, it did payed off in the end. I went from C student to top of my class and passed exams better than anyone. Just in one month. I had chances to get in unis in that city. My parents were pround and classmates that were favorites for teachers were so jealous they refused to shake hands with me.
We got really close as the rest of summer was passing by. She meant everything to me, and i meant a lot for her as well. I started to value life and all good things in it. I can't even open my window now to let this smell off because hummingbirds brings all this memories back, and however hurtful they are i don't want to let them go.
On 25 of July i arrived in that city. I kept my plans in secret before this. I didn't even asked for her photo before this, and she turned up to be very pretty if not beautiful. She's embraced me, and i felt like i was holding entire world in my hands.
"Shopenhauer made mistake. We do live in best of possible worlds after all"
But in 25 of August i fucked some things up. Not gonna provide lot's of details. As she said, it was awful, but not complete armageddon. But i got really scared that i'm gonna lose her. I tried to lick this wound, but i'm only worsened it. "I said that i was dissappointed, but now i'm really dissappointed".
She tried to cope with it, but couldn't. In beginning of September she said that she's not my girlfriend anymore. "I'm tired". However, she said that i'm still a very valuable person for her and she'd want to keep me but thought that leaving completely was for my own good. I talked her out of it, and she was glad that she can still be very close friend to. And she talked me out of immediate suicide then.
Now imagine me trying to lick THIS wounds for 4 months and completely mad and crazy.
First, i tried to straightforward reignate this. Failed.
Second, i tried to rationally allude her back. Failed.
Then she said that there's someone who will love me just as she did.
Tried to get someone from dating sites. Not because i really wanted it, but because i thought that if she said it, it mught be a good idea. Met with two girls, overall experience with them was repugnant and i ended with both of them. Failed.
Tried to get help from psychotherapist. Failed.
Then i set a date for ctb on 31st of December. Obviously, failed. But how it failed, oh...
Every time i strucked conversations on this topic i hurt her so much. It was irritation to her for 4 months straight. But in the end she begged me to not to die.
In night of 31 of December i said goodbye to everyone i knew and got drunk as fuck. Someone told her and she showed up. Stopped me from doing so. But i hurt her in the process. A lot. Of course, i didn't want to, it was accidentaly and becaouse i was dead drunk. I don't remember any of this.
As i woke up i looked at my screen and read "So long, and thanks for all the fish"
I tried to jump from my window, but couldn't. I slit my wrists, but messed it up as i was drunk.
She deleted me from all social media and i haven't heard a word from her after this.
Mom showed up and took me back to the town i grew up. Now i'm here.
Oh and one more factor to consider: her friend's boyfriend. He left said friend for another girl and then tried to get back to great annoyence of them both. I know she's thinking this two situations are similar.
I know my chances are zero. But should it even stop me? I know it will kill what little dignity i have left, but shouldn't i spit on it?
I've got my SN. Have benzos. Started regimen this morning. If i'm to text her i'll do it after my last pill of meto. If i fail, i'll just take it and go to my bed.
Thank you for listening if you made it this far. Thank you for replying if you did it.
