tasmaka
Neutral good
- Feb 14, 2026
- 45
TLDR on the bottom.
Im not the self diagnosis type, but I think I may have schizophrenia or experience states of psychosis , I was diagnosed with extreme depression and anxiety (5 on a something scale). But I dont know if now i should find out.
Heres my experience before, talking with a friend.
Basically during covid I was absolutely horrible idk what caused it probably just how i always have been just always crying and scared but being like just in my room all the time All i did was think and I genuinely did have no friends and it made me feel horrible because I knew nobody would care to listen to my issues if they wouldn't care to even exist near me or, in any relation to my presence. I had essentially started to talk to myself and have full conversations, but its kinda tweaker like so sorry if this sounds idiotic. Id just talk about whatever, I hardly slept like ever, so I had tons of time everyday. But instead of agreeing with myself or just "creatively" thinking deeper I started to feel split emotionally like almost arguing with myself. So literally little me And I no longer feel like a real person, as now it was as id two personalities existed within me, which made it like impossible to do stuff daily cuz one me is like yes lets be productive! And the other is focuses on a constant state of doom and telling me to run into active traffic. This lowkeu ends up being like realllyy dumb behavior for me, so after maybe 2 months I couldnt take it like I had even less sleep as I could never have a "content/sound" mind like ever, so idk how but I began to think of the concept of young children having imaginary friends, and was like well if im so alone I could totally do the same or imagine Im imagining, so when Id sleep, id have to work to separate the two "sides" of how I think and I placed what I believed to be the lesser true to my self onto basically an empty entity. This kind of worked but was very stupid cuz it caused like probably everything after.
After the "separation" was well established and I felt like I existed truly as only myself, it was normal?? Pathetic but normal for my means then. But idk how but it might just be since what the "entity" held on values were was lowkeu like "worse" it wasnt bad at first just grudgey but it kept getting worse like horribly, like what essentially what can be described as "a voice in your head" saying everything which is negative always, but it felt kind of vulgar and rude(essentially how my mom would speak very like gross and offensive, not just that but its a good comparison). Basically like aware but idk concept that really felt painful, like "The only reason "I" exist is because nobody truly wants you around, or to exist" , "Nothing , no-one , could make you possibly useful", or like " You claim your aware this(the entire existence of wtv this was) is hurting you, but change nothing". Ended uo going full cycle, loss sleep again, and I remember describing this to somebody like online that when I would try to sleep, it always felt like I hand hands all over me, like trying to pull me down, and It would make me frustrated and cry. This was all when I was fully at home so I couldn't do much.
After my mom had discovered I was suicidal I was forced to start doing thinfs, chores, go out, and go to school. Nothing really changed, but every time I waited for the bus my dad would watch me, making sure I didn't try to kill myself every morning. And every-time I saw any tall structure, I just constantly thought or even just dreamt of me falling and dying . And the like most annoying thing was than since I hardly had times I was in bed, i guess my mind just made wtv I created follow me around constantly, but I started hearing it speak like actually and like only rhing I vividly remember is sitting alone just during a free time nothing weird i guess, but I realized I was being "followed" and then I felt like my eyes were being gauged out with its hands. After it took on a "physical form" I never spoke again with it. Stereotypical "sleep paralysis demon" style it existed in the corner of my room, id put items of value on my desk at the time to "please it", but I began attending therapy, I never mentioned it but somehow it stopped atleast during or before 8th grade
(Message end)
Since then, over 5 years, Ive been, not hallucinating often, only like hearing people speaking. (Exploding head syndrome some of my friends say)
Past week, Ive felt very, on edge. Im always convinced Im being watched, judged, and people are intending to harm me, this isnt the change Ive felt, its felt more real. Like my heart drops, Im convinced someone is behind me, nobody is there. Yesterday, I heard something in my room fall, I checked, and behind the curtains I saw a figure moving, crawling in my window, I panicked, wanted to scream, I couldnt move. In a panic I got closer, still seeing it. And I moved the curtains, my window was closed, but I just saw someone..? Not ohh a creative shadow, someone was there, but my window was closed shut, bolted, and dusty all around, it didnt move. Going to sleep last night, I kept hearing foot steps around my bed, I really did, and I turned for a bit confused, and I looked around for something, somebody here, maybe my cat? Nobody was there, but in my closet I saw, and felt something starinf at me from the shelf, I texted my friend crying, How I really felt something in my presence, and how I didnt want to be hurt.
Monday now, I went to school, have a horrible headache for some reason, and felt constantly on edge. Im a very common cryer, just if I get overwhelmed at all, it happens , I know. But this was, all day.. , I felt everyones eyes on me, judging me, and all I felt was hate torwards everyone, my illness aside, people have resented me for my state, claiming I am less than just for that. I hate it.
Saturday I see my therapist, im not sure what to say, I dont want to miss school, but I dont want to get worse. My parents are in charge of my therapy, and choose to not medicate, I believe it is a christian based establishment but i have no proof.
What would you do?
TLDR: My hallucinations seem to have come back, and Im unsure whether or not to mention it to my possibly conservative therapist. Wwyd?
Im not the self diagnosis type, but I think I may have schizophrenia or experience states of psychosis , I was diagnosed with extreme depression and anxiety (5 on a something scale). But I dont know if now i should find out.
Heres my experience before, talking with a friend.
Basically during covid I was absolutely horrible idk what caused it probably just how i always have been just always crying and scared but being like just in my room all the time All i did was think and I genuinely did have no friends and it made me feel horrible because I knew nobody would care to listen to my issues if they wouldn't care to even exist near me or, in any relation to my presence. I had essentially started to talk to myself and have full conversations, but its kinda tweaker like so sorry if this sounds idiotic. Id just talk about whatever, I hardly slept like ever, so I had tons of time everyday. But instead of agreeing with myself or just "creatively" thinking deeper I started to feel split emotionally like almost arguing with myself. So literally little me And I no longer feel like a real person, as now it was as id two personalities existed within me, which made it like impossible to do stuff daily cuz one me is like yes lets be productive! And the other is focuses on a constant state of doom and telling me to run into active traffic. This lowkeu ends up being like realllyy dumb behavior for me, so after maybe 2 months I couldnt take it like I had even less sleep as I could never have a "content/sound" mind like ever, so idk how but I began to think of the concept of young children having imaginary friends, and was like well if im so alone I could totally do the same or imagine Im imagining, so when Id sleep, id have to work to separate the two "sides" of how I think and I placed what I believed to be the lesser true to my self onto basically an empty entity. This kind of worked but was very stupid cuz it caused like probably everything after.
After the "separation" was well established and I felt like I existed truly as only myself, it was normal?? Pathetic but normal for my means then. But idk how but it might just be since what the "entity" held on values were was lowkeu like "worse" it wasnt bad at first just grudgey but it kept getting worse like horribly, like what essentially what can be described as "a voice in your head" saying everything which is negative always, but it felt kind of vulgar and rude(essentially how my mom would speak very like gross and offensive, not just that but its a good comparison). Basically like aware but idk concept that really felt painful, like "The only reason "I" exist is because nobody truly wants you around, or to exist" , "Nothing , no-one , could make you possibly useful", or like " You claim your aware this(the entire existence of wtv this was) is hurting you, but change nothing". Ended uo going full cycle, loss sleep again, and I remember describing this to somebody like online that when I would try to sleep, it always felt like I hand hands all over me, like trying to pull me down, and It would make me frustrated and cry. This was all when I was fully at home so I couldn't do much.
After my mom had discovered I was suicidal I was forced to start doing thinfs, chores, go out, and go to school. Nothing really changed, but every time I waited for the bus my dad would watch me, making sure I didn't try to kill myself every morning. And every-time I saw any tall structure, I just constantly thought or even just dreamt of me falling and dying . And the like most annoying thing was than since I hardly had times I was in bed, i guess my mind just made wtv I created follow me around constantly, but I started hearing it speak like actually and like only rhing I vividly remember is sitting alone just during a free time nothing weird i guess, but I realized I was being "followed" and then I felt like my eyes were being gauged out with its hands. After it took on a "physical form" I never spoke again with it. Stereotypical "sleep paralysis demon" style it existed in the corner of my room, id put items of value on my desk at the time to "please it", but I began attending therapy, I never mentioned it but somehow it stopped atleast during or before 8th grade
(Message end)
Since then, over 5 years, Ive been, not hallucinating often, only like hearing people speaking. (Exploding head syndrome some of my friends say)
Past week, Ive felt very, on edge. Im always convinced Im being watched, judged, and people are intending to harm me, this isnt the change Ive felt, its felt more real. Like my heart drops, Im convinced someone is behind me, nobody is there. Yesterday, I heard something in my room fall, I checked, and behind the curtains I saw a figure moving, crawling in my window, I panicked, wanted to scream, I couldnt move. In a panic I got closer, still seeing it. And I moved the curtains, my window was closed, but I just saw someone..? Not ohh a creative shadow, someone was there, but my window was closed shut, bolted, and dusty all around, it didnt move. Going to sleep last night, I kept hearing foot steps around my bed, I really did, and I turned for a bit confused, and I looked around for something, somebody here, maybe my cat? Nobody was there, but in my closet I saw, and felt something starinf at me from the shelf, I texted my friend crying, How I really felt something in my presence, and how I didnt want to be hurt.
Monday now, I went to school, have a horrible headache for some reason, and felt constantly on edge. Im a very common cryer, just if I get overwhelmed at all, it happens , I know. But this was, all day.. , I felt everyones eyes on me, judging me, and all I felt was hate torwards everyone, my illness aside, people have resented me for my state, claiming I am less than just for that. I hate it.
Saturday I see my therapist, im not sure what to say, I dont want to miss school, but I dont want to get worse. My parents are in charge of my therapy, and choose to not medicate, I believe it is a christian based establishment but i have no proof.
What would you do?
TLDR: My hallucinations seem to have come back, and Im unsure whether or not to mention it to my possibly conservative therapist. Wwyd?
