should i stay alive for a christmas party with my friends in december

[monetpompo]

i plan on dying a few days after someone's birthday in december, since that's when my loose ends are all cut off. i'll have done all the things i needed to do and said goodbye to (most) of my friends. i'm not really banking on getting my license but it would be nice to do it before i die instead of never get it. it's taking me a while but i'm hoping that i'll get it within 2 weeks. if i do get it i might want to ride things out (ha) until new years because i can have some more fun than i usually do. my friends do genuinely want to hang out with me but we've always had trouble with rides and money. i just don't really have a reason to keep hanging around if i'm staring down the deadline i set for myself. even though i would stay alive long enough to eat food with my friends and give them gifts i think about slipping off into the night and hanging myself so often that it's kind of unbearable. i'm just trying to get everything settled.

10 mins after writing this:
my period started today so now i think that i'm just mentally unstable because of my biology. last night i could barely get any sleep at all because i thought everybody hated me, lol. i get significantly more suicidal and self destructive every time it rolls around and then no one takes me seriously because it happens every month. i was telling one of my friends that my sister acts the same way. i'm not sure if i'm just dealing with mood swings or if i can legitimately wait out december so that i can be there for my friends and do a proper sendoff . i'm just very tired mentally and i have no real way of coping with things. i keep trying to find a way to end things cleanly but it feels like everything keeps on getting dragged out.

 

[TAW122]

I think ultimately it would be your decision to decide whether you want to stay or not. Sometimes it's nice to have a little more "enjoyment and fun" before the end, but it depends on your interests and desires though.

 

[monetpompo]

I think ultimately it would be your decision to decide whether you want to stay or not. Sometimes it's nice to have a little more "enjoyment and fun" before the end, but it depends on your interests and desires though.

i feel glad that my friends still want to hang out with me and look forward to seeing me because it's been such a hard year, but it's hard for me to let go of the weight i feel when i'm alone. everyone suddenly seems a little happier because it's the holiday season, and i have a birthday i'm supposed to attend. riding things out would be nice for the moment, since it's not like i have anything going on, but i'm worried about people learning more about my suicidal ideation and trying to stop me. it's easier to contain because i've been so isolated from everyone.

my mom asked me about piano lessons again. it was something she tried to push on me this month but i was on the fence about getting a teacher because i knew i would try to kill myself in december anyways. i don't want to waste her money by signing up for them. she was kind of pushing it onto me every day so i looked for teachers because she told me to, but i know i can't make her spend a bunch of money on me when i'm just going to die.

 

[woofwag]

I say get your license first if you can! I used to be absolutely petrified of driving (still a bit nervous of it), but that freedom has been so nice to have. Even though I'm still miserable and also plan on CBT'ing, it has been fun to be able to go wherever I want, when I want. Go do some impulsive fun shit before you go. I know I certainly am. Might as well if you're gonna die, right? Also, it sounds like it's possible you have PMDD. I'd look into it. There might be some treatments you can get to minimize those mood swings.

 

[overmorrow]

there's always time, for everything, to die, or to stay alive, :p take your time and finish what you feel you want to finish, there's no rush in anything.

 

[monetpompo]

Also, it sounds like it's possible you have PMDD. I'd look into it.

oh man.... i don't want another disorder but reading about it makes a lot of sense. i feel anxious that i've always been like this and unaware of my awful habits. i isolate and self destruct a lot in the week before my period and then i feel fucked up and suicidal when my period comes. it doesn't matter if i know that it's because my period is making me depressed because my brain feels override by the desire to die because i feel like a insecure burden.

I say get your license first if you can! I used to be absolutely petrified of driving (still a bit nervous of it), but that freedom has been so nice to have.

earlier today my dad drove me and my sister because she was getting dropped off at college and i wanted to go to a used bookstore. at the bookstore, i called my dad but he wasn't picking up so i had to buy an uber while my phone was at 4 percent. there was also a situation where a mentally ill guy ranted at me in a jack in the box because i was waiting for my dad to pick me up. i really hate the feeling of helplessness i get sometimes.

it would be nice to learn how to drive. i'll try to keep on working on that because i know people believe in me. it's just hard to want to keep on living when i'm dealing with isolation/period depression/self loathing from no job and not being able to go to college because i don't have a license. a part of me hates when i lie to people and say that i'll "make things better" when i get my license, because i know i'll die before i do all the things i say i'm going to do. i still think about how fun it would be to drive on a highway at night with some friends and taking things off my bucket list. i just don't want to make promises to people that i can't keep.

there's always time, for everything, to die, or to stay alive, :p take your time and finish what you feel you want to finish, there's no rush in anything.

i'm just really anxious about my parents putting pressure on me to get my life back together (college and a job) if i don't decide to die soon. i'm not in the mental state to reintegrate back into society since i break down often at home. my mom probably already knows that i'm not actually enrolled in college right now and that i've stopped doing classwork for the past 4 months. she's part of the reason i've wanted to die for so long. she's always putting pressure on me while also thinking i'm too stupid to put my mind to anything. whenever my mom or my dad looks down on me i just think about when i can do my next attempt. they both still think i'm just a child because they've given me no opportunities to become independent. it makes me feel really angry.

 

[monetpompo]

Is it too nosy for me to ask why you want to die?

yes.

 

[HangMan123]

yes.

Okay. I apologize.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I would be happy to know that I have a friend who is so considerate of me and our other friends that they would postpone their suicide just to see us , your friends are lucky to have you. Truly, I mean it