Should I lie in my suicide note?

[amarillo]

I'm torn. I'm in the concept phase of writing a goodbye letter to my mum. She's a wonderful person and I love her very much. However, much of my problems originate from my childhood and are in some way connected to her. I do not blame her for any of it as it concerns mostly circumstances that were out of her control. But she has a lot of mental health problems herself which I think ultimately led me onto this destructive path that is now coming towards its end, and although this is arguably also out of her control, I know she will never be able to forgive herself. A lot of my struggles stem from hers and the way those influenced her interactions with me, but I understand she did the best she could and I don't blame her for any of it. She will not understand this. She will forever see herself as the culprit and it will eat her alive. I'm actually scared it might lead her to ending up suffering the same fate as me.

So should I try to downplay her influence in the letter? I'm writing it purely for her sake, so in theory I should write what I think will result in the least possible amount of suffering, but on the other hand it would feel a bit strange to have my very last words not be the whole truth.

Will it even matter what I do? Will she know anyway, even if I completely left it out? Is it even worth it to try and minimise her feelings of blame, or will it be a completely futile effort?

 

[Fakereality]

Perhaps do not mention any of it just compelety left it out blaming or minimising feelings of someone else in your last note isn't worth it focus on other stuff instead let the reader find its own meaning from your letter what may suit them.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

This is up to you. It sounds like your being the parent and she's the child in this relationship if you have to worry about her wellbeing so much so that you are considering writing lies as your last thoughts. I personally wouldn't do it. She's a woman and wears big girl panties.


Tell her the truth but tell her you don't blame her just like you told us. If she's really going to feel good about having raised a good child its when she gets to experience her child having compassion and forgiveness for her when she wasn't the best but did the best she could with you.

 

[Worndown]

If you do not blame her, do not mention it.

 

[Lmd]

Ask yourself why are you writting a note in the first place and you'll find the answer, after all is up to you. If it's truly for her sake there's no point in mentioning nothing about the pain that she may or may not have brought. If you want your truth to be known then don't cut yourself.

The impact of what you tell will only affect those who remain alive so I personally would avoid to say things that could lead to second interpretations.

 

[InterstateFlowers]

This feels like something I could've written a year ago. If you're writing it purely for her sake like I did, I would downplayed her influence on my depression too. I kept repeating how much it wasn't her fault and that she was a good mom. Nothing will ever completely curb her pain, but it'll help knowing she has some security.

 

[Apricity]

Notes are for your loved ones, not you. If you feel it would be better to lie, then lie. It's not like you're gonna feel guilty after they read it.

 

[Pluto]

The very purpose of a good note is to minimise psychological harm to loved ones.

 

[OrcWitch]

You say you want to minimize her suffering and guilt, rather than go out setting the record straight from your perspective. These seem to be the two main purposes of a note and neither one is incorrect. In this case you should tell white lies or omit anything she could feel guilty about if that's your priority and what you want for her.

 

[Tamz]

You show compassion by understanding she did the best she could. Continue showing her that compassion. It sounds like she is also suffering a lot and will suffer more should you ctb. You say you fear her suffering the same fate as you. Is that what you want for her? I think mentioning her involvement in your pain is a little contradictory to your compassion for her. As someone has already said, think of why you are writing in the first place. It is for the sake of others. In my opinion, if you mention she brought pain on you and it has led you to this it looks a little like revenge and I really hope that is not the case.

 

[amarillo]

Thanks for the replies guys, those are some really good insights. I really am writing this letter for her sake, so it would make sense to do anything even if it could decrease her feelings of guilt by 1%. I think I might write multiple versions to try and judge if telling the truth and minimising her pain really seem mutually exclusive, and if they are (and they probably are), I think I will omit the role she played in my suffering.

Thanks again, I'm really glad I don't have to ruminate over this stuff all by myself.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it, the purpose of a suicide note is to act as closure for other people. I would only say negative things about somebody else if I blamed them in any way. I would say things in the note like 'you did the best you could' and I would emphasise that point. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[trewer]

For me personally, if I had to decide between the two, telling the truth is more important for me than other people's feeling. I would want my last (written) words to be my truth, even if it hurts. I just wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the world with a note that I don't 100% stand by.