Should I give up my dreams and die ASAP?

[kvorumese]

For as long as I've been suicidal, I've always acknowledged that I want to have done some specific things before I go. I need to make some amends, finish a couple projects, do my best to retire my parents, and so on and so forth...
But lately I just have not been feeling well at all. I'm scared that I might be impulsive and acting not in a completely sane manner, but I've been thinking that I should just get it over with already, because obviously once I'm dead, I don't have to worry about any unmade amends, unfinished projects and working parents.
I really don't know if what I say is what I mean. I'm not at a point where I have to physically restrain myself from like ordering SN or something, but mentally I'm in a place where I just do not want to deal with anything anymore ever again.
I don't even know if I'm asking for advice. Just vocalizing my thoughts in hope of maybe understanding myself again - even though I haven't understood myself in years. Maybe you have got something to tell me. Maybe @Pluto has a cutie pie cat or @whitetaildeer has some deer to share (if y'all don't that's fine, also please tell me if you do not wish to be pinged in the future, I'm kinda operating under the assumption that it's fine but idrk lol sorry)

 

[Pluto]

 

[Richard Langford]

How well would your parents manage without you?

 

[whitetaildeer]

firstly, you're more than welcome to ping me! i'm afraid i don't have much to say, since i'm writing this before i'm going back to sleep... but i do have plenty of deer.

secondly... lord, i felt this. for what it's worth, i think you should try finishing up your projects and figuring out a general game plan. we all deserve to feel at peace with ourselves and what we've done in this life before we ctb. planning this stuff can take months, if not years, but if it helps us even the littlest bit, then i think that's worth the time we spent.

How well would your parents manage without you?

ditto on this! if you're parents aren't abusive, please think more about this. not that you should stay out of obligation (i think your parents seeing you slowly wither away from depression would make them more depressed than a sudden ctb), but think more about your goal to help retire your parents. how feasible is it? how long might it take?

either way, i hope things work out for you. the limbo between wanting to ctb now, but wanting to wrap up unfinished business even if it might take a painstakingly long time, and you're feeling so unsure about which one to do... it hurts. so, so much. it's such a mindfuck.

and lastly...

Spoiler: deer

 

[Richard Langford]

From my personal perspective, I know my mum would have had a hell of a bad last few years without my being there practically to help her. Life would have been very tough for her. You might think differently, but being there to help parents in their older years is very important.

 

[kvorumese]

How well would your parents manage without you?

My parents manage fine, they earn good money, but my mother who earns most of it hates her job, so I really want to retire her soon. I've been saving up money to make sure that they can live the rest of their lives well off, but I still have a ways to go.

ditto on this! if you're parents aren't abusive, please think more about this.

Totally - that's my line of thinking too. They aren't abusive, I love my mother and my father is like a good person but hella annoying but I still think I love him? Anyway, I digress, I do believe that they deserve to rest at ease, and myself knowing that my death is inevitable, least I can do is earn as much money as I can for them.

Thank you whitetaildeer for your words of support and very cutesy deer, thank you pluto for a cat picture which really helped to lighten the mood, and thanks Richard for your utmost objectiveness, I agree with you, I want and need to help my parents - and I think that's the sole reason that I'll hang around on this planet for a couple more years haha.

Thanks everybody. Sending warm hugs