for the longest time I've always went back and forth on whether I should ctb or not. It was up until 4 weeks ago when I first planned to ctb. Past attempts were mostly driven by impulse, but this was the first time I had properly set a date and somewhat planned things out. But SI got in the way. And that happened the next few times when I reattempted every week on the same day. Every week I wouldn't do it because someone/multiple people asked me if I was ok (feeling of being loved) or because I didn't get to say my goodbyes. But then I would regret not doing it the day after because I would remember all the reasons for me to ctb.
I knew I was going to "want to live" more the longer I postponed my death, so every week I hoped I would do it before I started "wanting to live". I was too late. I broke and told my professor that I grew a close bond with last week. I was doing so well not telling anyone anything this time round. I was prepared to go. And now I'm even more confused than ever because why would I tell her if I had everything planned and knew what was going to happen if I told her (counsellor would be informed, hospital reference, parents getting mad at me, etc etc.). Though despite all of that happening now, as I predicted, I don't know whether I'm glad I told her (because talking to her saved me) or not (because I couldn't ctb anymore and now everything is worse). It was either I tell her and get better or not tell her and ctb the day after. I knew that, but still went on to tell her. From this, it seems like I did want to live since I ended up telling her, but even now I have the urge to die. So maybe it was just on impulse and I didn't really want to tell her. Or maybe I did want to get help. But wanting to live or die changes so drastically throughout the day, so I don't know what I actually wanted.
I think I didn't ctb after I told her on Thursday because I thought there was hope that someone actually cared about me, but every time I think about it, I just know that she'll leave like everyone else. And then I'll have no reason to want to live again. So what's the point of "wanting to live" when I know it'll be temporary. And then it'll just go on forever with the same person or a new one until they leave and I repeat the same cycle.
Point is, is living worth all of this constant confusion? What do you think I want? because I certainly don't know what I want.
I knew I was going to "want to live" more the longer I postponed my death, so every week I hoped I would do it before I started "wanting to live". I was too late. I broke and told my professor that I grew a close bond with last week. I was doing so well not telling anyone anything this time round. I was prepared to go. And now I'm even more confused than ever because why would I tell her if I had everything planned and knew what was going to happen if I told her (counsellor would be informed, hospital reference, parents getting mad at me, etc etc.). Though despite all of that happening now, as I predicted, I don't know whether I'm glad I told her (because talking to her saved me) or not (because I couldn't ctb anymore and now everything is worse). It was either I tell her and get better or not tell her and ctb the day after. I knew that, but still went on to tell her. From this, it seems like I did want to live since I ended up telling her, but even now I have the urge to die. So maybe it was just on impulse and I didn't really want to tell her. Or maybe I did want to get help. But wanting to live or die changes so drastically throughout the day, so I don't know what I actually wanted.
I think I didn't ctb after I told her on Thursday because I thought there was hope that someone actually cared about me, but every time I think about it, I just know that she'll leave like everyone else. And then I'll have no reason to want to live again. So what's the point of "wanting to live" when I know it'll be temporary. And then it'll just go on forever with the same person or a new one until they leave and I repeat the same cycle.
Point is, is living worth all of this constant confusion? What do you think I want? because I certainly don't know what I want.
