Venting Sharing how you feel with people in your life... (up to 3 votes in poll)

[g56f32Z4n8#uExEuU*@]

Over the last few years, as depression has become more pervasive and, with it, suicidal ideation, I have realized that it has become almost impossible to be completely transparent about how I feel.

I live in a country where my psychotherapist will close an eye to my references to suicide as long as I use euphemisms for it, so at least I have her to talk to... but that is one hour every week when I am lucky.

Besides that, I am just censoring myself, for all the obvious reasons. I don't want others to feel responsible for my death, in case I decided to proceed and was successful. Nor I want to freak them out and alienate them away from me, as I am desperate for company, even for a few minutes of chitchat.

My mother is old, why would I want to sadden her with this?

My wife knows that I am depressed, but she doesn't know how much she is the cause of it and how resentful I am towards her, but I spend all my time with her, particularly since COVID. I am so fake and such an articulate liar that she can't tell how much I desire my death, and how much I blame her for it.

So I just can't tell anything to anyone.

 

[SleepingLessons]

I've previously talked to my parents when I was a minor, and they were a mix of guarded and just not knowing how to cope. They very much tried to provide solutions instead of listening, but ended up pushing for unhelpful solutions and making things worse. I wouldn't say they had a negative reaction as such, and they tried to help, they're just emotionally fucked themselves and weren't equipped to deal with it.

My girlfriend has been mixed. We've been together a long time, and in the past her responses have been unhelpful. But we've done a lot of work in our relationship and she's currently been a pillar of support - genuinely helpful. She's advocated for me to try recovery and other things to help, but has also said that if nothing works in the end she will accept and be there for me if I take the path of CTB. It's not without its difficulties, but I don't know what I would have done without her. Sometimes it works out well.

I also have a friend who I've not really talked to about it directly, but we're both suicidal and send memes and shit to each other. It's nice to have somebody in a similar place to share dark jokes with when I need to, though I do worry about them.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I have siblings who were hospitalized at different times due to attempts and I never want to get hospitalized. My mom has threatened to try to get me hospitalized and would do it in a heartbeat if I were open with her. If I thought it would help, I'd let it happen. The reality is that I've tried almost every available psych regimen for depression and have had lots of therapy (including in the present) but it's not been enough.

I've been open with friends about my feelings but it hasn't helped and I've stopped. I figure that the few people who really know me already know what I'm dealing with or maybe they don't want to know. Either way, there doesn't seem to be any point in talking about it anymore.

 

[peaches]

Ahh I see. That's unfortunate that your health is not good and you have to depend on people that treated you badly . Thank you for sharing your story.

I am in your same boat. I do not want to let my spouse know when it is time as his reaction will be bad and I already feel guilty as it is.


Do you mind if I ask why you are wanting to not share this with your spouse? Is their reaction been poor in the past?

It's mostly that he does not live in despair. I don't want to cause such pain for him. I'm his person and he has an illness that is progressive.
He will think there must be "help" for me.
I have exhausted finding help.
I don't want to risk him personalizing that I would be leaving him when, in fact, I just need to leave myself.
It's hard to explain. Can you relate to what I just described?

 

[blue_muse]

I've learned to keep my mouth well and truly shut when it comes to expressing suicidality. If I say what's contributed to wanting to CTB then it's "Okay, I understand. But, you're using emotional blackmail and being manipulative.".

 

[justanotherguy1]

told my friend some time ago now we speek much more rarely but when we do he tries to get to the bottom of my depression (if im okay with it, not tired, etc) but in the respectful and non-annoying way(it doesnt help but its still nice to talk to him)

 

[thrashisland]

I've only ever met one person who respected my choice to ctb. I told him my motivations were to die peacefully and humanely when I feel that I've achieved everything I've ever aspired to just because I find it stupid to spend the rest of your life wasting away glorifying the past when you were happy. I was so glad. But when I told someone I thought would understand as well they were irrational and called the police even though I wasn't going to kms at that point in time. I wish more people understood.

 

[アホペンギン]

Recently, I have been opening up more about my feelings to people i know. My depression has gotten so severe to the point that i'm thinking about suicide from when i wake up until i go to sleep and i tell people about it because its stressing me out.

There are 2 main responses that i get if i tell someone. One of which is getting hit with lots of complaints from the other person saying that their life is also hard so I should stop worrying about my problems, they say they'll be fixed soon. Or they tell me how "lucky" i am because i should think about how hard other people's lives are and be grateful.

The second one is them acting indifferent towards my problems. They don't really care, thats what most people are like towards me. I only think they'll care once i die. I don't think they even believe me when i tell them my problems..

Theres also a third reason where the genuinely care but only two people has been like that so far. I doubt anyone else will be like that towards me. The society and its people have gotten worse, in my opinion.

 

[todiefor]

I ticked other.

My husband's reaction was entirely about himself. He thought the panic attacks and me begging him to be more kind because his abuse is making me feel suicidal is all a manipulation of him. He also was glad I was suicidal and encouraged me to off myself before the divorce is finalised so he can keep all the money. He regularly also tells me I deserve to die before he moved out and can't tell me anymore because he doesn't want to leave any abuse in writing on text, he has to maintain his meek nice guy public image after all.

My parents…I've never quite understood my parents reaction to things when it comes to me. I did tell them I wanted to die, quite a few times, and I told them the abuse I was going through. I think my parents are the avoidant type where they just don't want to believe that I can be suicidal so they don't. To be fair to them I've never been suicidal until this abuse and divorce. Maybe they can't really handle the concept so they choose not to believe it, even though everything I am doing clearly points that way. When pushed my mum seemed very disappointed and said "why wouldn't you choose to live for me" and, "your situation is bad but there are many far worse than you". It's similar to when I told them I didn't like going to a new school when I was young, really the only other time I went to them for help, and same kind of avoidant behaviour, didn't really say much, didn't want to deal with it, just hoped it would go away on its own, or trust that I would manage it myself l.

Friends I haven't told, because I do actually have good friends, and they will react immediately and want to help, the doctors will be obliged to section me, I just don't think they can help me ultimately and i don't want to burden them, but I know they would react with genuine kindness and concern.

 

[vitbar]

Honestly most have been genuinely helpful and understanding. Even the superficial responses coming from a lack of knowing what to say.