rottenhopes
Member
- Nov 13, 2025
- 8
Tombadil
Member
- Nov 19, 2025
- 12
two things i did recently that appear nowhere else. A sketch i did for a painting showing how i today feel about working life as someone who has worked with anxiety disorder for decades in jobs i hated, and where people will bully each other like hell just to keep their dead pan job. I am glad i have reached the end of that line. I call it the machine. A machine that eats people. And a sketch i made on the backsite of another painting. Just a female study, and then i added this ripley phrase. Now that i know i am really reaching for peace there is a strange sense of playfulness, as well as melancholia. Perhaps because i have not felt peace for decades. Also a rather unedited text i made after getting some distance to a person i love very much. That was hard but necessary.
//
Jake watched the screen of the phone freeze for a moment. Then time itself rewound, as if a wound in time had just opened and closed without anybody noticing.
He was almost amused, it was one of the rare occasions in his life he saw his friend loose his composure.
"You gave away how much?"
"Because i wanted to." Jake said. "You know what i did just to make a small difference.2
Already."
"You know i had to do it." It felt good to give some of your time away to another creature. Preferably, small, furry ones. They are closer to me than most people, always have been."
"I dont think that is the right moment for that."
"There is no moment more right than this. You know i kind of have enough for quite some time. Till i get bored."
He had worked on that for a long time.
As somebody who had lost long years of his life to the impact of the violence of his brutal stepfather and the absolute brutal and cruel environment he had grown up in.
He understood that early, and he understood that there were no such safe future for his kind.
He started making little experiments to see what could be sold, and how, and how to access these bubbles. He placed erotic drawings and stuff to see what would get the most responses, even to find out which body types would be most appreciated, like a market analysis, as he had already understood that the things he wanted to paint were almost impossible to place.
He again looked at his famous friend still struggling with what he just said. Over the distance of time and space, he saw themselves sitting at a table in a luxury flat, something he had not seen before. In front of him he had a present, a little picture of the person sitting on the other side of the desk on a metal keychain.
So much time, yet his friend knew so little about him. Which was how Jake wanted it to be. He could have exploited this person in so many ways, yet he had only ever tried to give without taking."
He looked out at the sky through the open window.
For the first time in his troubled life he had found some kind of peace here.
He still remembered his friend sitting opposite to him, smiling at him. He prepared him for the things to come. They never spoke about Jakes situation, he knew without asking.
Jake already knew, without putting it in words, that his life would gain an extreme weight over time.
He had worked on jobs where he had gone to work with a severe anxiety disorder due to the things done to him, literally trembling and sweating when even coming in contact with any person. Nobody ever offered him help, nobody ever except making jokes of this obviously abused child, still not more of a child.
In years, the weight would add up. He would do certain things to keep up certain friendships and loose days after being drugged with a severe inflammation in his shoulder, being completely traumatized again after seeing a persons name who still haunted his memories spitting in his face and screaming at him in the client data of a job he tried to attend.
He heard his friends voice echoing over the abyss of time.
"To young males, this country is relentless. Even if in need of help, if you are not born into the right checkboxes, they will rather kill you than help you if it does not make them stand out. I know all this from my long years of social and charity. You have to do everything to try to get away."
"We are only cannon fodder." Jake said. "The world never changes, workers children become workers and the elites spawn elites. The networks protect itself."
His friend smiled at him. He handed him an envelope. " I want to take you on a vacation."
Which translated to:" You are one of the persons i can stand in this world."
"I dont like what is happening." His friend said on the phone, in the here and now.
Jake watched at him. He felt the weight of his life enormously, but always a freedom he had never known. He protected almost everybody from the things he had to do in his life, and he would keep it that way.
"What is time?" he said. "Are 3 years walking on the sea shore and feeling the wind worse than 30 years within the machine, always in fear of the inherent violence?"
"If you live one year in peace, in freedom, can you even go back into the machine for good?"
"Sometimes you scare me." His friend said. He looked at Jake. I have been blessed and cursed so much in this life, he thought. I have been blessed with a kind of love i still cannot comprehend more than once.
He looked at the reflection on the screen.
"I have dated a woman, you know. For quite some time now. I think we need some space, so for some time i may call a little less. I am sorry."
Very true, despite being an obvious code for a very different message.
Acts of kindness disguised as cruelty. Spoken in language only a companionship over time and tide can carve out of the words usually used to speak.
Go. You love me to much to accompany me where i am going.
In the evening, Jake entered a bar and ordered a drink. It had an open window to the sea which made up almost the entire wall; only with some blankets on the seatings. He came to the woman sitting on the wall and watching the sea. The wind was still and the air were still warm although it had gotten late for both of them.
It is 2010 and Jake is sitting on the balcony of an expensive hotel in Berlin. There is a man sleeping in the huge bed, and a woman still drinking the last sip of wine. He looks down at the street cloaked in midnight darkness. There is a man sitting in the bus station, alone, with just some bags as his belongings. Just learning to adapt to human presence, mentally and physically, still getting anxiety bursts and starting to shake when in rooms full of people, he knows that the only difference between them is that he is attractive.
He lets the glim of the cigarette die down, puts on a shirt and goes down to the street.
"Can i make a photograph?" He asks the man, who is very young. In his demeanour one can see that he is intelligent. Again Jake is struck by how alike they are. It takes an ungodly amout of self-denial to go on after the things you usually dont come back from. And a reason.
"Please leave me alone." The man says without looking at him once. Jake wants to explain that the wants to paint a picture, to maybe give a bit of a voice, but this voice is already so hollow he just backs down immediately.
He goes into a night shop and buys some groceries, some bread and milk and something to eat and puts it into a bag. On his way back to the hotel he stops at the bus stop and puts down the bag in front of the man without a word, then he makes his way back to the world.
/A story fragment i pieced together after telling a friend almost exactly what is described in the text. I wanted to make a fictional text of it, but what is here happened that way. Feels like a lifetime in this text. I wanted to do a longer text, but it immediately started to stress me out again and i have found some peace now lately. Of course i use a fictional characters
//
Jake watched the screen of the phone freeze for a moment. Then time itself rewound, as if a wound in time had just opened and closed without anybody noticing.
He was almost amused, it was one of the rare occasions in his life he saw his friend loose his composure.
"You gave away how much?"
"Because i wanted to." Jake said. "You know what i did just to make a small difference.2
Already."
"You know i had to do it." It felt good to give some of your time away to another creature. Preferably, small, furry ones. They are closer to me than most people, always have been."
"I dont think that is the right moment for that."
"There is no moment more right than this. You know i kind of have enough for quite some time. Till i get bored."
He had worked on that for a long time.
As somebody who had lost long years of his life to the impact of the violence of his brutal stepfather and the absolute brutal and cruel environment he had grown up in.
He understood that early, and he understood that there were no such safe future for his kind.
He started making little experiments to see what could be sold, and how, and how to access these bubbles. He placed erotic drawings and stuff to see what would get the most responses, even to find out which body types would be most appreciated, like a market analysis, as he had already understood that the things he wanted to paint were almost impossible to place.
He again looked at his famous friend still struggling with what he just said. Over the distance of time and space, he saw themselves sitting at a table in a luxury flat, something he had not seen before. In front of him he had a present, a little picture of the person sitting on the other side of the desk on a metal keychain.
So much time, yet his friend knew so little about him. Which was how Jake wanted it to be. He could have exploited this person in so many ways, yet he had only ever tried to give without taking."
He looked out at the sky through the open window.
For the first time in his troubled life he had found some kind of peace here.
He still remembered his friend sitting opposite to him, smiling at him. He prepared him for the things to come. They never spoke about Jakes situation, he knew without asking.
Jake already knew, without putting it in words, that his life would gain an extreme weight over time.
He had worked on jobs where he had gone to work with a severe anxiety disorder due to the things done to him, literally trembling and sweating when even coming in contact with any person. Nobody ever offered him help, nobody ever except making jokes of this obviously abused child, still not more of a child.
In years, the weight would add up. He would do certain things to keep up certain friendships and loose days after being drugged with a severe inflammation in his shoulder, being completely traumatized again after seeing a persons name who still haunted his memories spitting in his face and screaming at him in the client data of a job he tried to attend.
He heard his friends voice echoing over the abyss of time.
"To young males, this country is relentless. Even if in need of help, if you are not born into the right checkboxes, they will rather kill you than help you if it does not make them stand out. I know all this from my long years of social and charity. You have to do everything to try to get away."
"We are only cannon fodder." Jake said. "The world never changes, workers children become workers and the elites spawn elites. The networks protect itself."
His friend smiled at him. He handed him an envelope. " I want to take you on a vacation."
Which translated to:" You are one of the persons i can stand in this world."
"I dont like what is happening." His friend said on the phone, in the here and now.
Jake watched at him. He felt the weight of his life enormously, but always a freedom he had never known. He protected almost everybody from the things he had to do in his life, and he would keep it that way.
"What is time?" he said. "Are 3 years walking on the sea shore and feeling the wind worse than 30 years within the machine, always in fear of the inherent violence?"
"If you live one year in peace, in freedom, can you even go back into the machine for good?"
"Sometimes you scare me." His friend said. He looked at Jake. I have been blessed and cursed so much in this life, he thought. I have been blessed with a kind of love i still cannot comprehend more than once.
He looked at the reflection on the screen.
"I have dated a woman, you know. For quite some time now. I think we need some space, so for some time i may call a little less. I am sorry."
Very true, despite being an obvious code for a very different message.
Acts of kindness disguised as cruelty. Spoken in language only a companionship over time and tide can carve out of the words usually used to speak.
Go. You love me to much to accompany me where i am going.
In the evening, Jake entered a bar and ordered a drink. It had an open window to the sea which made up almost the entire wall; only with some blankets on the seatings. He came to the woman sitting on the wall and watching the sea. The wind was still and the air were still warm although it had gotten late for both of them.
It is 2010 and Jake is sitting on the balcony of an expensive hotel in Berlin. There is a man sleeping in the huge bed, and a woman still drinking the last sip of wine. He looks down at the street cloaked in midnight darkness. There is a man sitting in the bus station, alone, with just some bags as his belongings. Just learning to adapt to human presence, mentally and physically, still getting anxiety bursts and starting to shake when in rooms full of people, he knows that the only difference between them is that he is attractive.
He lets the glim of the cigarette die down, puts on a shirt and goes down to the street.
"Can i make a photograph?" He asks the man, who is very young. In his demeanour one can see that he is intelligent. Again Jake is struck by how alike they are. It takes an ungodly amout of self-denial to go on after the things you usually dont come back from. And a reason.
"Please leave me alone." The man says without looking at him once. Jake wants to explain that the wants to paint a picture, to maybe give a bit of a voice, but this voice is already so hollow he just backs down immediately.
He goes into a night shop and buys some groceries, some bread and milk and something to eat and puts it into a bag. On his way back to the hotel he stops at the bus stop and puts down the bag in front of the man without a word, then he makes his way back to the world.
/A story fragment i pieced together after telling a friend almost exactly what is described in the text. I wanted to make a fictional text of it, but what is here happened that way. Feels like a lifetime in this text. I wanted to do a longer text, but it immediately started to stress me out again and i have found some peace now lately. Of course i use a fictional characters
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heywey
Member
- Aug 28, 2025
- 70
Tombadil
Member
- Nov 19, 2025
- 12
Tombadil
Member
- Nov 19, 2025
- 12
Just some concepts that are nowhere to be found anywhere. It makes me a bit happy that at least they are somewhere. And a cup i designed which never was more than concept.
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