I feel like most of my life has been under a shadow. I am right now 22 and I'm close to graduating with my engineering degree. However, I still feel like my life hauled and paused when I was 9.
At 9 I was in a car accident and I lost my older sister and became the "new" oldest child. Every since I have had to deal with nightmares of the crash and having to be alive while my sister found sleep. I have to deal with the guilt that I feel when I think, "what if I just hadn't whined about wanting to sit behind dad."
If my sister hadn't changed me seats then I would have CTB and not my sister.
My parents didn't push me into treatment the honestly just thought the nightmare and night terrors were something I would grow out of. I was 13 when I first attempted to join my sister. I didn't cut right, and lost my nerve to try again.
My first year of highschool I discovered how I could numb the feelings and block out the world I started to drink and smoke among other activities with my new friend group. It didn't last long before my parents shamed me and even invoked my sister and how it looked to my younger brother. I never truly let go of my resentment of them for that.
I blended in and I got my parents off my back I even had a girlfriend and we dated until senior year of highschool.
Under surface I was self medicating drinking at friend's houses and taking uppers to help me study.
my life came to a head when I opened up to my girlfriend about a part of my sexuality that I thought she had a right to know about.
I was betrayed and she broke me and drove my to more self medication. I reached the edge of that same shadow that took my sister instead of me. My younger brother found my stash and tried to CTB while was sneaking my father's sake. I found him in the midst of seizures and he was in a coma on the night before I was supposed to get my highschool diploma.
Almost twice did the shadow skip me when I should have been the one to CTB.
my parents pushed me into rehab and my brother recovered but with brain damage and he was different.
I met the woman that would accept me as I am in rehab.
we started dating and before the end of freshman year of college we were expecting twins.
My life has been good for a while and now we have two more children.
I don't know if the shadow just decided to remind me that I'm not supposed to be here, but it gave me a wake up call back in September. One of my work friends that was only 18 decided to CTB using a gun.
I just haven't been able to shake it. I don't know what to do and I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I join the my sister and my friend. Or hold on for my wife and children's sake.
At 9 I was in a car accident and I lost my older sister and became the "new" oldest child. Every since I have had to deal with nightmares of the crash and having to be alive while my sister found sleep. I have to deal with the guilt that I feel when I think, "what if I just hadn't whined about wanting to sit behind dad."
If my sister hadn't changed me seats then I would have CTB and not my sister.
My parents didn't push me into treatment the honestly just thought the nightmare and night terrors were something I would grow out of. I was 13 when I first attempted to join my sister. I didn't cut right, and lost my nerve to try again.
My first year of highschool I discovered how I could numb the feelings and block out the world I started to drink and smoke among other activities with my new friend group. It didn't last long before my parents shamed me and even invoked my sister and how it looked to my younger brother. I never truly let go of my resentment of them for that.
I blended in and I got my parents off my back I even had a girlfriend and we dated until senior year of highschool.
Under surface I was self medicating drinking at friend's houses and taking uppers to help me study.
my life came to a head when I opened up to my girlfriend about a part of my sexuality that I thought she had a right to know about.
I was betrayed and she broke me and drove my to more self medication. I reached the edge of that same shadow that took my sister instead of me. My younger brother found my stash and tried to CTB while was sneaking my father's sake. I found him in the midst of seizures and he was in a coma on the night before I was supposed to get my highschool diploma.
Almost twice did the shadow skip me when I should have been the one to CTB.
my parents pushed me into rehab and my brother recovered but with brain damage and he was different.
I met the woman that would accept me as I am in rehab.
we started dating and before the end of freshman year of college we were expecting twins.
My life has been good for a while and now we have two more children.
I don't know if the shadow just decided to remind me that I'm not supposed to be here, but it gave me a wake up call back in September. One of my work friends that was only 18 decided to CTB using a gun.
I just haven't been able to shake it. I don't know what to do and I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I join the my sister and my friend. Or hold on for my wife and children's sake.
