Discussion 'Settling' in life/ relationships.

[Forever Sleep]

Have you 'settled' for (less) in life? Do you think it's wise to or, should we hold out for what we really want?

I used to think I had settled in terms of my career. I know I could/ should have pushed myself to climb higher. I also know I don't have the talent/ skill to reach the top. I know I get easily overwhelmed as the small fish in a big pond and both I and my work suffers as a result. Plus, I've heard terrible stories about what it's actually like at the top. Companies that treat their staff terribly. Awful working conditions, horrible exploitation with no appreciation of a person's efforts. I bagan to realise I could well be best of where I am! So, rather than failure, it's begun to feel like choice too.

It feels far meaner to say we 'settle' in relationships. I suppose I mean- do you consider becoming friends or partners with people who have very different values to you? Who maybe do things you actually strongly dislike?

There was a guy I had the most crazy limerent crush on. I uncharacteristically did try to befriend him at least. On a couple of occassions, we talked together into the small hours. He was very attractive but something seemed off. I felt he would happily use people and he could be so condescending. One night, the prospect of things developing romantically felt possible but, I left. It confused me shortly afterwards. Why would I do that with someone I so badly desired?

I think I knew it was because he didn't love or respect me and, I won't settle for less in terms of relationships or friendships even. It's such a strong commitment to me and it would mean so much that, I wouldn't leave myself at risk of being (inevitably) hurt. Personally, I'm grateful to the prudish, guarded side of me. It's saved me from a whole lot of hurt. Ridiculously, it didn't end my limerent crush on him- which extended a few more years!

I've read an (outright declared) incel thread in the past where they said they were afraid they'd have to 'settle' for some overweight woman. Personally, I'm not sure anyone who believes they are 'settling' should be in a relationship with that person. It hardly resembles respect to feel you are lowering your standards to be with someone. What if that manifests in their behaviour towards them?

Do potential couples even judge one another like that? In terms of- are they all I want/ deserve even? Is it more about compatability maybe. Again, there seems little point in dating someone who's behaviour/ character/ appearance we find abhorrent.

Or, is there? Do some people date just to see how it goes? Is there value in doing that or, do people just get hurt? I'm not against it for others. So long as everyone is clear on the other's intentions.

What are your experiences? Have you 'settled' for less sometimes? Do you wish you had? If you did, did it work out or, did you end up regretting it? Maybe worse- have people or jobs 'settled' for you? I've been that side of it too. Feeling like I don't measure up to what's required. That's also why I've steered clear of relationships. I don't want to feel 'not enough' for someone.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

I'll settle for less if it helps me meet another goal of mine. For example, I'll take a shit job if I can afford it and if the schedule they offer allows me more gym time. Relationships? Never ever settle.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'll settle for less if it helps me meet another goal of mine. For example, I'll take a shit job if I can afford it and if the schedule they offer allows me more gym time. Relationships? Never ever settle.

This makes sense because you have a bigger goal that you're trying to achieve. I think that's important in life generally- to work out what things we prize the most. Sometimes, our lives on paper may not look all that impressive but, we may be far happier. In my pursuit of fulfilment, I took on jobs that had impressive sounding titles and gave me a sense of being a 'proper' adult but they were largely unfulfiling and, full of stress. So, I also took a (career) step back to take a (well being) step forward.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

This makes sense because you have a bigger goal that you're trying to achieve. I think that's important in life generally- to work out what things we prize the most. Sometimes, our lives on paper may not look all that impressive but, we may be far happier. In my pursuit of fulfilment, I took on jobs that had impressive sounding titles and gave me a sense of being a 'proper' adult but they were largely unfulfiling and, full of stress. So, I also took a (career) step back to take a (well being) step forward.

And you chose living a happy and authentic life over bootlicking. Sounds good to me!

 

[Pluto]

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

In a way.

I've "settled" for the guy I'm in a "situationship" with (it's not an actual relationship, so maybe it doesn't count in that sense), despite it causing me almost nothing but anguish and grief, due to the unholy delicate situation of my ever-present suicidality combined with my more autistic traits; I find the idea of developing an emotional connection with someone else abhorrent right now, and I only want what's familiar. A bit of a the-devil-you-know situation, I guess. And after enduring so many years of crushing touch starvation the idea of going back to it is unthinkable, so even if the comfort/pain ratio is 20/80, at least for the moment, I need that 20%, and am willing to sacrifice for it.

If I actually wanted a good life, if I actually had a will to live, this would be extremely unwise, and a waste of time. But I don't, so I take what I can get.

 

[derpyderpins]

I think it's a very important question.

Well before I go on my rant, the answer is "yes," all over the place.

But I think getting your mind to a healthy place involves a shift where "settling" almost isn't a thing. (I am not there yet, this is theoretical.) As long as you are comparing, you are either going to settle somewhat or always be in conflict, right? Because you can't have the #1 best outcome. I think we'd admit that it is good to not hold out for the #1 best outcome. So we get people saying something in the form of "I don't need X; all I want is a nice comfy Y and a Z who ABC." Sometimes, the thing they want is still a really high outcome on the bell-curve, but it still is a form of settling.

I understand what you mean, though. After you've done a certain amount of settling and contemplating, you identify with clarity what you think you need for some level of satisfaction. You are asking about further "settling" at that point.

It's almost a sequence of bargaining, right? Like stages of grief, and the grief/loss is having to live/exist at all. In the bargaining stage, you go through a series of settlements:

"Okay, if I have to be here and feel pain, I at least want to be rich and famous."
"Okay, I can't be rich and famous, I'd settle for reasonably well off and have a song I wrote on local radio circulation."
"Okay . . . I'll take a job that isn't awful and a little time every few weeks to write music for my own enjoyment."

Or, on love:

"I want a beautiful partner who is accomplished and sweet with a perfect body who is wild in every way to make my fantasies come true."
"You know what, all I need is a partner who does their share of things and makes me feel good and treats me fairly who is upper 3rd in attractiveness."
"Okay, well how about someone pretty who can sincerely love me?"
"Anyone?"

As long as you are in the mindset where settling is possible, you'll always wonder. Am I settling? Are they settling? Could I have done better? Will I lose them because they can do better? If I try to do better will I end up alone?

At some point one has to move past this mindset. 'This is what I've got, let's make the most of it.' Acceptance. Like you said regarding the top of the career being a trap in ways: the world is too complicated to know past a certain point if one outcome or another is "better."

I wish I had started the settling process much earlier. My inner script is that my wife settled for me, but logically I don't think that's true. I'm happy with where I wound up relationship-wise, but knowing what I know now I wish I had "settled" when I was younger and at least gone on a date with some girls who weren't fitting my insane need of a limerent object to give me hope for the future. Could have helped me reach mental maturity faster. Can't talk about myself in terms of jobs because I don't fit this modern system. Everyone involved is settling, including me.