Discussion Selfish for living, selfish for dying

[Bedlamb]

I feel like I don't deserve to either live or die. Does anyone else have a similar quandary?

- I'm a complete waste of life, and everyone would be better off if I wasn't around.

- I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't have it bad enough to valididate a suicide.

I am constantly stuck between these two thoughts. If I could just erase my existence, or prevent my birth there would be no problem. Unfortunately neither are possible.

If I'm morally repugnant either way, I figure there's no point dragging things out, and that's why I've decided to end it.

 

[silentsinger]

I felt like this a lot when I was younger. I still feel the way you do in your first point.

I will tell you this though and I mean it sincerely. You are in no way selfish for living, as the title of your thread says. I can't stress that enough. Please try to take that out of the equation if you possibly can.

 

[Jodes]

You are in no way selfish for living, as the title of your thread says. I can't stress that enough. Please try to take that out of the equation if you possibly can.

And being pro choice, don't feel guilty for your suffering!. But since you see that there are positive sides to your life, maybe you want to make changes and do a few things before you go.

Are you ungrateful? Give yourself more credit than that - you wouldn't be calling yourself ungrateful if you really were, completely, inside and out - admit that as a start.

I'm sure there are people who will miss you inconsolably. I told myself I wouldn't hurt anyone but I was selfish and blind. I'm angry with myself too

 

[silentsinger]

don't feel guilty for your suffering!

These are wise words to take on board Bedlamb (in my opinion). You can't help the way that you feel and it is nothing to feel guilty about .

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I feel like I don't deserve to either live or die. Does anyone else have a similar quandary?

- I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't have it bad enough to valididate a suicide.

Do you mind me asking if you feel some suicides are (or aren't) justifiable or if you've heard this somewhere and now agree with it? Thanks for sharing more if you're up to it...

 

[DrownedOctopus]

I feel like I don't deserve to either live or die. Does anyone else have a similar quandary?

- I'm a complete waste of life, and everyone would be better off if I wasn't around.

- I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't have it bad enough to valididate a suicide.

I am constantly stuck between these two thoughts. If I could just erase my existence, or prevent my birth there would be no problem. Unfortunately neither are possible.

If I'm morally repugnant either way, I figure there's no point dragging things out, and that's why I've decided to end it.

You don't need a reason others would find as valid, so long as you find ctb the right decision for you.
I was blessed with a by definition happy life. I know it's wasted on me because I want to end it more than anything.
When I do, no one will say "she lived a troubled life."
It's still my choice, though, and I don't want to be alive. I never wanted to be alive.
I often feel like someone should have been born in my place, at least maybe that person wouldn't be wasting what I was fortunate to have that many don't.

 

[silentsinger]

You don't need a reason others would find as valid, so long as you find ctb the right decision for you.
I was blessed with a by definition happy life. I know it's wasted on me because I want to end it more than anything.
When I do, no one will say "she lived a troubled life."
It's still my choice, though, and I don't want to be alive. I never wanted to be alive.
I often feel like someone should have been born in my place, at least maybe that person wouldn't be wasting what I was fortunate to have that many don't.

No one should have been born in your place. Whatever happens, your time on earth isn't better off going to somebody else. Hugs.

 

[DrownedOctopus]

No one should have been born in your place. Whatever happens, your time on earth isn't better off going to somebody else. Hugs.

I appreciate your effort, but the thing is I will always feel that way.
There's no reason I have for wAnting to end my life, I just never felt like it was something meant for me. Even as a small child, I always felt out of place and thought being dead was a better option.
I started thinking about ways to ctb at 8 when I learned about suicide.
I've done everything under the sun to change the way I am, but no such luck. Life just isn't for me.
Thank you, though, for your kind words. Hugs.

 

[Bedlamb]

Do you mind me asking if you feel some suicides are (or aren't) justifiable or if you've heard this somewhere and now agree with it? Thanks for sharing more if you're up to it...

It's something I've heard and internalized. I don't actually believe that someone's choice to terminate their life must be justified, but I don't put my beliefs above those of my family's and society's. I know how people will view my suicide: stupid and indefensible. I can't help but think of the "An hero" meme if you know it.

 

[silentsinger]

I appreciate your effort, but the thing is I will always feel that way.
There's no reason I have for wAnting to end my life, I just never felt like it was something meant for me. Even as a small child, I always felt out of place and thought being dead was a better option.
I started thinking about ways to ctb at 8 when I learned about suicide.
I've done everything under the sun to change the way I am, but no such luck. Life just isn't for me.
Thank you, though, for your kind words. Hugs.

You don't need to thank me , I wanted to respond. I just wanted to say that I do care though. Even though we haven't met, I just want to help if I can. Lots of people here will feel the same, but will always respect your decisions. Best wishes.

 

[Bedlamb]

I felt like this a lot when I was younger. I still feel the way you do in your first point.

I will tell you this though and I mean it sincerely. You are in no way selfish for living, as the title of your thread says. I can't stress that enough. Please try to take that out of the equation if you possibly can.

I sorry you struggle with similar thoughts. I do believe living in my case is selfish, but only because I am a bad person. By being alive I am perpetuating my badness. Maybe this wouldn't be a problem if I was self sufficient and independent from others... I am however, anything but. I continuously burden people. I could blame my multiple mental defects but ultimately my actions are my responsibility. I wouldn't be such a bad person if I could better myself and change.

 

[silentsinger]

I really sympathise. I know how it feels to think nothing of yourself as a person.

I think you sound like a very good person. Your concerns are for those around you rather than yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person at all for feeling the way that you feel.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

It's the life instinct using others as an excuse not to do it. I've got the same thing, but not so much at the moment.

I currently believe everyone hates me and wishes I would die, but if someone is nice to me tomorrow I'll feel bad about thinking they all hated me a few minutes earlier.

 

[Bedlamb]

And being pro choice, don't feel guilty for your suffering!. But since you see that there are positive sides to your life, maybe you want to make changes and do a few things before you go.

Are you ungrateful? Give yourself more credit than that - you wouldn't be calling yourself ungrateful if you really were, completely, inside and out - admit that as a start.

I'm sure there are people who will miss you inconsolably. I told myself I wouldn't hurt anyone but I was selfish and blind. I'm angry with myself too

Sorry but I have to disagree. I definitely am ungrateful and my self awareness of the fact doesn't make me any less so.

I know no one will miss me. The people I am close to have clearly stated my presence makes their lives worse. They will however be angry and ashamed of me having never accomplished anything and wasting the life I was given.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I feel like I don't deserve to either live or die. Does anyone else have a similar quandary?

- I'm a complete waste of life, and everyone would be better off if I wasn't around.

- I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't have it bad enough to valididate a suicide.

I am constantly stuck between these two thoughts. If I could just erase my existence, or prevent my birth there would be no problem. Unfortunately neither are possible.

If I'm morally repugnant either way, I figure there's no point dragging things out, and that's why I've decided to end it.

oh my god, i feel the same way. that makes me so sick. it's like i just don't wanna exist

 

[AhG]

I feel like I don't deserve to either live or die.
- I'm a complete waste of life, and everyone would be better off if I wasn't around.

- I'm an ungrateful bitch who doesn't have it bad enough to valididate a suicide.

It kinda sounds like you might think that your suicide isn't justified enough to actually go through with it. That isn't the case. I think it's more of a survival instinct that's pushing you away from your choice and that's ok, because our minds will do that. A friend once said to throwaway123 "when you're truly ready, everything will be better than the current state. Even if it's likely to end up as a vegetable. It's at that point when paralyzed or dead is better than the current life you're living that you decide in your heart to do it."

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

It's something I've heard and internalized. I don't actually believe that someone's choice to terminate their life must be justified, but I don't put my beliefs above those of my family's and society's. I know how people will view my suicide: stupid and indefensible. I can't help but think of the "An hero" meme if you know it.

Thanks for explaining. I agree with you: "I know how people will view my suicide..." What's that saying from the 90's? "People gonna hate." ... Hope you find some peace.