18th of March last year I stabbed myself with the intention of dying. Unsurprisingly, this isn't a common method to ctb and I haven't seen much if anything written about it, so I thought I would make a post about my experience. TLDR: it's way harder to die this way than you think, and surviving fucking sucks.
I had planned this method of suicide for over three months. During the planning phase, I spent a lot of time coming to terms with the method and convincing myself to do it. I felt a mixture of anticipation, relief, and existential dread. I quit my job after the New Year and spent those months alone in my apartment meditating on my death. It was difficult at times to manage the instinctual fear around dying, especially in such a heavy-handed way as I had chosen, but I never doubted my plan. I was fully committed and certain of what I would do and when.
It was around 19:30 when I cut up plastic bags and laid them on the floor of my apartment, over which I spread a picnic blanket and bath towel. I was completely sober and calm in my actions. Using a 23cm/9inch steel dagger I had ordered specially for the occasion, I stabbed myself first in the left side of my gut, through my stomach and large intestine; then into the left side of my breast through my lung and into my heart, and finally into the right side of my breast through my lung. Then, I wiped the blade clean and lay down on the floor to die.
I almost immediately lost consciousness as my body went into shock, however I didn't experience any uncontrollable terror or panic. I remained in control of my thoughts and myself the entire time. I drifted in and out of consciousness for seven hours. I was listening to a playlist at the time and I remember waking up at certain points and hearing certain songs, and then passing out again. It was painful but oddly enough the worst pain came from lying on the hard floor the whole time. I kept turning on my back or sides but yeah, needless to say it was not a comfortable experience.
The time was 02:40 when I suddenly woke up in full clarity. I felt the presence of death, which I have never experienced before or since. However, in my mind in that moment I felt stone-cold sober and awake. I felt so clear in my head that I believed I would not die, no matter how long I waited. I believed I had failed. Also, the physical pain was very great. So, I resigned myself to failure and called the emergency service.
To summarise the aftermath, my body temperature was 32C in the ambulance, blood pressure 70/20, I lost three litres of blood, and was flown by helicopter to the city hospital. I underwent three surgeries consisting of open chest (thoracotomy) and open abdominal surgeries (laparotomy), as well as four pleural drains. Both of my parents were called and flew in from my home country to my country of residence on the other side of the world as they were told I was likely to die in transit or in theatre. I was in theatre for two days, ICU for a week, GI ward for three weeks, and I have been inpatient general psych ever since.
The physical recovery took around six months and nowadays I have fully recovered physically. I have many scars in my torso - the stab wounds, surgery scars, and incision scars from the pleural drains. I also have internal scarring, a scar in my heart, and 15cm of my large intestine was removed. During my time in gen psych, I have received medication treatment, ketamine therapy, ECT, CBT therapy... I'm just as depressed as I've always been.
You hear stories of people who survive jumping and say that in the moment before they hit the water, they regretted jumping. I always expected to regret my attempt and to feel that surviving was a new beginning for me. But to be honest, failing has been my greatest regret in life. Pretty much since the shock of what had happened dissipated, I wished more than anything that I had stabbed myself a fourth time. I was also surprised and glad to know that throughout the whole attempt and the hours in which I waited for death, I was in complete control of my mental faculties. I never experienced any kind of biological panic or instinct for self-preservation. I wished to die before, during, and after the attempt.
I have no trauma around that night because it was not traumatic for me. I was calm and resigned the entire time. Also, I was careful not to look at my own body for fear of the blood rousing biological fear. Actually, the vast majority of bleeding was internal. Afterwards when I went back to my apartment, there was only one little stain on the picnic blanket.
Sorry this post is really long, but I hope that it shed some light on what self-stabbing is like and the risks involved. I'm happy to answer any questions, and I have pictures if anyone wants verification (I'm a lurker so am not sure what the general rules are around posting images).
I had planned this method of suicide for over three months. During the planning phase, I spent a lot of time coming to terms with the method and convincing myself to do it. I felt a mixture of anticipation, relief, and existential dread. I quit my job after the New Year and spent those months alone in my apartment meditating on my death. It was difficult at times to manage the instinctual fear around dying, especially in such a heavy-handed way as I had chosen, but I never doubted my plan. I was fully committed and certain of what I would do and when.
It was around 19:30 when I cut up plastic bags and laid them on the floor of my apartment, over which I spread a picnic blanket and bath towel. I was completely sober and calm in my actions. Using a 23cm/9inch steel dagger I had ordered specially for the occasion, I stabbed myself first in the left side of my gut, through my stomach and large intestine; then into the left side of my breast through my lung and into my heart, and finally into the right side of my breast through my lung. Then, I wiped the blade clean and lay down on the floor to die.
I almost immediately lost consciousness as my body went into shock, however I didn't experience any uncontrollable terror or panic. I remained in control of my thoughts and myself the entire time. I drifted in and out of consciousness for seven hours. I was listening to a playlist at the time and I remember waking up at certain points and hearing certain songs, and then passing out again. It was painful but oddly enough the worst pain came from lying on the hard floor the whole time. I kept turning on my back or sides but yeah, needless to say it was not a comfortable experience.
The time was 02:40 when I suddenly woke up in full clarity. I felt the presence of death, which I have never experienced before or since. However, in my mind in that moment I felt stone-cold sober and awake. I felt so clear in my head that I believed I would not die, no matter how long I waited. I believed I had failed. Also, the physical pain was very great. So, I resigned myself to failure and called the emergency service.
To summarise the aftermath, my body temperature was 32C in the ambulance, blood pressure 70/20, I lost three litres of blood, and was flown by helicopter to the city hospital. I underwent three surgeries consisting of open chest (thoracotomy) and open abdominal surgeries (laparotomy), as well as four pleural drains. Both of my parents were called and flew in from my home country to my country of residence on the other side of the world as they were told I was likely to die in transit or in theatre. I was in theatre for two days, ICU for a week, GI ward for three weeks, and I have been inpatient general psych ever since.
The physical recovery took around six months and nowadays I have fully recovered physically. I have many scars in my torso - the stab wounds, surgery scars, and incision scars from the pleural drains. I also have internal scarring, a scar in my heart, and 15cm of my large intestine was removed. During my time in gen psych, I have received medication treatment, ketamine therapy, ECT, CBT therapy... I'm just as depressed as I've always been.
You hear stories of people who survive jumping and say that in the moment before they hit the water, they regretted jumping. I always expected to regret my attempt and to feel that surviving was a new beginning for me. But to be honest, failing has been my greatest regret in life. Pretty much since the shock of what had happened dissipated, I wished more than anything that I had stabbed myself a fourth time. I was also surprised and glad to know that throughout the whole attempt and the hours in which I waited for death, I was in complete control of my mental faculties. I never experienced any kind of biological panic or instinct for self-preservation. I wished to die before, during, and after the attempt.
I have no trauma around that night because it was not traumatic for me. I was calm and resigned the entire time. Also, I was careful not to look at my own body for fear of the blood rousing biological fear. Actually, the vast majority of bleeding was internal. Afterwards when I went back to my apartment, there was only one little stain on the picnic blanket.
Sorry this post is really long, but I hope that it shed some light on what self-stabbing is like and the risks involved. I'm happy to answer any questions, and I have pictures if anyone wants verification (I'm a lurker so am not sure what the general rules are around posting images).
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