Self-sabotaging

[L$D]

I think I deserve to feel pain and suffer. It feels wrong of me to actually do something for myself that might genuinely help me. I don't deserve anything good in life, and I keep having manic phases where I due royally stupid and messed up things that are entirely against my 'values.'

I have no idea how to approach this. I look at people that have suffered immensely: those that have been tortured, beaten, self-immolated, and I believe that I should feel the same pain that they have felt. Why do I deserve to find peace while they suffer? I know I sound very stupid and delirious, but I would genuinely appreciate any insight.

 

[hungry_ghost]

Why do you believe you deserve to feel pain and suffer?

 

[Area Man]

I feel in a similar way. I have offended everyone. All the fond relationships of my past are permanently tarred by how I behaved and by how I wasted my life.

 

[L$D]

Why do you believe you deserve to feel pain and suffer?

I've done far too many reprehensible things. I deserve to suffer a lot.

 

[lili]

I relate to what you wrote so much. I also share those same thoughts, and can connect with the manic phase. Its really detrimental and i hate having to pick up the pieces after. I also feel like I don't deserve anything. I philosophically do not like to be alive.

Whenever I do get a chance to not feel like I want to die, I turn those emotions into an impassioned driving force. And I put all that energy into the one thing I can do, which is film and writing stories. I tell myself that I hate to be alive and everything about it, and I hate who I am as a person, but I will sacrifice myself for the sake of the film or story that I am working on, because if it's good enough, just maybe I might be able to save someone who feels deeply alone just like I do.

Maybe you feel like you don't deserve anything and you've tried many options that don't work, but if you still care about those around you deeply enough (the world in general, others who suffer) then apply that energy to something you enjoy doing. And give everything you have to that one thing you do for the sake of others.

I know this is really hard to do in a depressive state, but I like to use this when in not depressed. Hope it helps or is relevant.

 

[L$D]

I'm sorry to hear that you can relate to this, although I find comfort in solidarity.

Whenever I do get a chance to not feel like I want to die, I turn those emotions into an impassioned driving force. And I put all that energy into the one thing I can do, which is film and writing stories. I tell myself that I hate to be alive and everything about it, and I hate who I am as a person, but I will sacrifice myself for the sake of the film or story that I am working on, because if it's good enough, just maybe I might be able to save someone who feels deeply alone just like I do.

Maybe you feel like you don't deserve anything and you've tried many options that don't work, but if you still care about those around you deeply enough (the world in general, others who suffer) then apply that energy to something you enjoy doing. And give everything you have to that one thing you do for the sake of others.

This is some great advice. I will try to do this; thank you for the elaborate and helpful response.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Yup feel the same way