I'm always in the process of self sabotaging, whether it's towards my physical/mental health, studies (used to), or work (current). Social anxiety combined with depression has caused me to lose some people I know would have been good for me, one for sure more recently. I had a friend who treated me like a functioning human being even when my mental state spiraled out of control and I continued to get worse and worse. I got so paranoid that she'd get tired and hate me that I got very bad anxiety just thinking of talking to her and it became next to impossible to write after some point. Yet she was always understanding. I didn't deserve her and she deserved better. She had her own depression and eventually I knew I was going to succeed in offing myself, even if not immediately, and also knew my mental state was never going to get better enough that I could be a good influence on her. I was at the point where my mental state would only make her worse for being around me. So I left. She was like what my ideal friendship would have been in high school. We could talk about anything and get sidetracked for hours. I just couldn't continue to do it and subject her to me. It wasn't worth ruining someone for a small bit of happiness on my part, and the anxiety was very bad. Not that it isn't now but I'm honestly somewhat relieved she doesn't have to deal with me. Aside from that there were others as well that I'm sure would have been good influences, they were certainly good people. But why build a relationship with them? I've never planned to live a long time, I don't even have plans to make it through this year, I hope not to make it through this month. And I can no longer offer them anything but negativity. For the two~ friends of mine who remain (against better judgement I reached back out to one), I'm just giving them warnings at this point and hoping when I succeed it doesn't mess up their mental states too much. I've already been enough of a bad influence, at least after I die I'll end that.
Is it funny I still think of the first friend I mention quite often? When I was the awful person who left. I told her so many times that I was just an awful person and she shouldn't keep me around. Now she's got the evidence backing it.
@Journeytoletgo what have been your experiences with these?