Venting Cant stop lying

[Jarring]

I used to pride myself on my honesty but after a few traumatic life experiences ive started lying more to save face. A first it began with white lies that could have been resolved if I dedicated time on the resolution, but a combination of anxiety and self destructive behaviour (and of course a growing mountain of lies) I've dug myself a 12 foot hole that I cannot escape.

In the eyes of the people around me my life is almost perfect and I'm doing amazing and althought that may have been partly true just 2 years ago I am now close to all my lies maturing and now there is literally nothing I can do.

I cannot stand the fact that I will dissapoint everyone around me, its overwhelming and it has been eating me for the longest time.

I cant even open up to anyone anymore, when I meet new people I just feel like an actor to prepetuate the lifestyle and person I used to be but because of a mix of events in my personal life, self destruction and refusal to ask and accept help from anyone I;m on the highway to shame.

I am am truly running out of coping mechanisms and the fact that soon I may have to be honest about my true sitiuation is really making me want to dissapear.

 

[disjectamembra]

i feel you so bad. i lie so much bcus of anxiety and need to protect myself and in the process ruining my relationships with people. i also struggle with opening up to people and it has made my life living hell. i am sorry that you have to endure this

 

[futurebuscatcher]

I feel that. I feel like I even have to lie about the stupidest of things like "oh yeah I did make that and didn't buy them" or "yeah I watched that show" even if I didn't and all to save some fort of face. I don't get it. Maybe it's just with some ppl